DP texting his ex

[AndBeholdAWhiteHorse]

Please berate me and tell me I'm being stupid but I don't trust his ex and I can kinda of sense when he is messaging (they have children together). I'm sure nothing is going on but their relationship has always bothered me for reasons I think are justified. I can't bring it up with him anymore as we're in a good place and I don't want to go back to arguing over it. Just feeling hormonal today and stressed. I wish I knew what the messages were about but I know I can't know this and he is entitled to speak to her

Well, he's always going to be in contact with her because of the children.

So you can drive yourself nuts with it, or you need to come to grips with it. Or maybe you're not suited to being in a relationship with someone who already has kids?

I have children with my ex - we email and text regularly - we have to as we need to discuss the children but we talk about other stuff too - mutual friends, the horror of Brexit, our parents, our jobs... etc. We both have new partners and neither of them are the least bit concerned.

We shared 14 years together so it would seem odd not to talk on some level but I have no desire to get back with him nor him me and there is never the hint of anything other than friendship in our interactions. I guess what I'm saying is that it is quite possible to have an amicable relationship with an ex without there being anything else going on.

What is it about their relationship that has always bothered you?

How would you like them to communicate about their dc?

Contact regarding the children doesn't bother me as I understand that it has to happen. It's the casual chats I find hard as the past he has lied to me about contact and I just wish I felt more secure about it. I know it is the past and not what is going on now. I'm working it through in my head and I'm getting there. My mum and dad have a good relationship even though separated so I do understand it is important for them and the children. Just having a moment! Thank you for your reply though.

If you genuinely think he will get back with her then cut your losses and move on now.

Please whatever you do , do not make him feel guilty and uncomfortable for talking to his children's Mum. It's the children that suffer . He is in a relationship with you for a reason obviously you have nothing to be jealous about.
My ex's wife is the same but unfortunately for my DS , it's affecting their relationship when she has absolutely nothing to worry about. Let your partner be the father he was before you met him , you obviously knew he had children

I don't think they'll get back together. It's only my own insecurities doing this. It's the whole irrational side winning in the brain. Logically and rationally I know it's all ok.

He has a great relationship with the children and I genuinely am pleased he gets on with their mum as I know how it makes things easier for them all. I just need to get over my irrational self. All your comments are helping. Thank you.

While I agree he has to have contact I think just beware of how much contact and about what. I’ve had spells where I know I wouldn’t be happy if my dp messaged his ex like my ex does me at times. I agree with some others saying they are bound to have things in common. But still boundaries can be blurry. Hope he has totally moved on For your sake. Sometimes it needs to be contact about children only

Blurred boundaries were a past issue (conversations about sex) and whilst I don't think it is a problem now it has affected my ability to be rational at times (only in my head, not out loud).

How long have you been with him? Why did you decide to stick with it after the sexual messaging?

Why are you focussing on your distrust of her ?

He is your problem

Agree with AnyFucker, she sent the problem he is

Also you can ignore your instincts all you want, but they are the oldest sense we are born with
And they are screaming at you for a reason.

If he's been chatting sex with her then I'm not bloody surprised you feel this way

This clearly isn't a case of a doting father having a nice and amicable relationship with his ex. This is a man who's given you cause to distrust him.

Would he show you the messages? What reassurance has he given you that the sex chat has stopped? And how did you find out he was doing it?

Blurred boundaries. Ridiculous euphemism. You are keeping yourself in denial.

Sorry for my stupidity but please can you explain what you mean by "ridiculous euphuism" @towelnumber42 I don't really understand.

The conversations they had were a while ago and I was told about it after it came out during a conversation. I said I thought it was inappropriate and some other stuff has happened too but again a while ago. I would just like to let go all this insecurity and feel more certain. I genuinely don't think anything is going on and I do believe that, but I'm worried it will revert to how it was previously but obviously if it does it does. I can't do much to stop that.

He engaged in sex talk with his ex and also lied to you about their contact. Lying and cheating are dealbreakers for me.

Peace of mind is worth a lot more than any bloke.

Seriously, dump while you have no permanent ties to a cheating-inclined liar.

You have cause to feel unhappy about their conversations.
The fact that the inappropriate ones happened a while ago don't negate your feelings.

Sexting isn't a grey area, it isn't a blurred boundary. Sexting is firmly on the cheating side of the boundary. You calling it a problem with blurred boundaries shows you can't even describe what it is. The blurring is in your mind not in his actions. He's a cheater, you wish that weren't true.

How long ago was the sexting?