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Original poster

Son - being reclusive

21 replies

TitatnTanya44 · 31/07/2019 18:17

My son is 19 and at university. He very rarely goes out, doesn't drink and has a few friends who are in to the same things as him (computer games). They are all male. They rarely meet up, just chat online.

I had a pretty mad time at uni...lots of parties, drinking and socialising. My husband said I'm worrying about nothing and that I shouldn't be comparing his youth to mine and that he just enjoys his own company and isn't outgoing. He doesn't see it as a problem but I'm worried that he's becoming a recluse.

He's never had a girlfriend and doesn't even know any girls.

He's such a lovely boy, kind, funny, clever and a good looking lad but he makes no effort with his appearance and isn't interested in socialising. As a result, he struggles a bit with social anxiety (he doesn't really speak to anyone!)

We are a close family and I love him to bits. I just wish he didn't choose to spend ALL of his spare time sat at a computer rather than getting out and embracing life.

I don't think he's depressed. He seems happy enough but I want more for him.

I've tried to persuade him to get a part time job so he gets out of the house a bit but he says he doesn't want to because he manages on his student loan (due to not going out!)

Is it me just worrying unnecessarily or am I right to be concerned?

OP posts:

AnastasiaBeverleyHills · 31/07/2019 19:30

I didn't want to read and run. My DP is a gamer, and was one in college. He struggled for a while but is a wonderfully rounded adult and father. It's easy to get caught up in our children's struggles but if he is happy maybe it's time to let him live for himself ( I genuinely mean this with love and not judgement)

TitanTanya44 · 31/07/2019 19:38

Thanks for the reply Anastasia.

I suppose I just have to accept that he is very different to me and that he'll never be the 'life and soul'. It's just hard when I see other teenagers out and about, mixing and having partners, traveling and having hobbies that involve other people.

I also worry that he will lack the social skills to be able to meet a partner because he has not given himself the opportunity to develop them by engaging with other young people.

He is moving into halls this year so I am hoping that he will mix a bit more but I know that people might see him as rude or stand-offish because he can come across that way (even though that's not his intention).

You're right though, I have to let him live his own life and make his own decisions but I just think he's wasting his life sat at a screen when he could be enjoying life to the max.

KOKOtiltomorrow · 31/07/2019 19:44

My DS us 20 and just like this. He has a part time job though but if it wasn’t for that, he’d probably be out 3 or 4 nights a year max. No girls, holiday with friends etc. He’s lovely though just a bit socially anxious but happy in himself. I don’t worry as such but do hope he’s not like this away into his 20s

YourSarcasmIsDripping · 31/07/2019 19:55

but I want more for him.

What about what he wants? As long as he's happy and ok with the way his life is, then it's all good.

TitanTanya44 · 31/07/2019 19:59

That's exactly it KOKO, I want him to come out of himself before it's too late.

I suspect it's a vicious circle for them, they feel awkward and shy and so they withdraw, but then by being withdrawn they aren't developing the skills to engage with people.

I am a bit of a worrier generally to be fair and I have a couple of friends who have teenagers who are out and about all the time and really experiencing 'life'.

My brother keeps telling me that I'd be more worried if he was out sleeping with lots of girls and taking drugs which I suppose is true but at least it would be more 'normal' (whatever that is).

TitanTanya44 · 31/07/2019 20:01

Yes you're right Your Sarcasm, I know what you mean but I just see him isolating himself and it scares me a bit. I don't let him know though. I just make the odd suggestion to him without nagging or making him feel as though there is something wrong with him.

YourSarcasmIsDripping · 31/07/2019 20:06

I get you're worried,just keep an eye and ear out. Ask him about his life,his interests and be there for him if he does need it.

I was like your son at different points in my life for years at a time. My mum's outrage at me not going out to play and preferring to stay in and read a book !!

However at 23 I somehow managed to move countries, completely start over with a relationship, friendships,jobs etc. Then I became a recluse again for a bit and now in a pretty boring,average,normal life.

FelixFelicis6 · 31/07/2019 20:09

If he does have some social anxiety then yes you are right to be worried. Though it might be natural for him to be more introverted than you were at that age, doesn’t enjoy going out and drinking a lot, staying at home barely talking to people in real life is not healthy. University can be a very isolating time for many people, especially when you see everyone else seemingly enjoying them self so easily with no worries. I don’t think it’s a case of him just being happy as he is.

However, I’m not quite sure how you go about changing this given it’s really up to him now he’s an adult living away from home. Does he have any help with his social anxiety? Would he see a GP to see what might be available? University counsellor? Are there any societies he would join? Do they have a gaming one? Does he have any friends on his course? It can be so hard when there seem to be so many fully formed cliques already

Skittlenommer · 31/07/2019 20:27

He may just be introverted. I’m the same and there is nothing at all wrong with it although people often thing extroverts are the ideal. I have 3 main friends, I’m very reclusive and I ADORE it. I recharge by spending time alone. Now in my 30s and I no longer feel the need to explain myself when people challenge me on it anymore. I am who I am.

If he seems happy enough let him get on with it.

Someoneontheweb · 31/07/2019 20:34

Just because he is different from what you were at his age it doesn't mean there is a reason to worry about. He is happy with the way he is, pushing him to do things he doesn't want to and is not comfortable with is bound to lead to anxiety on its own. I am introverted, rarely drink, did gaming and married my first boyfriend. I'm very happy with the life I chose for myself. We are not all the same, let him choose his path.

stucknoue · 31/07/2019 20:37

Dd is at university, lives at home and only socialises by attending her music things (orchestra, choir etc) it's just the way they are

Gimjax · 31/07/2019 23:40

My daughter is the same although she has a job which gets her out of the house but works with all older people so doesn’t socialise. She comes home from work and watches TV every evening doesn’t go out or drink doesn’t seem to have any friends. She is 19 and I do worry about her getting older and not changing she treats me like I’m her best friend. We just want the best for them 😔

daisybecs · 01/08/2019 10:03

I have a son exactly like this ...he's 20 & not a mad gamer but very much a home bird. Has a good bunch of similar friends at uni but they do meet up to go out occasionally.

I think I used to worry more so because he has an older sister who is the complete opposite to him & partied her way through the first couple of years of uni but has finally quietened down....myself and my husband would be angst ridden about how on earth any college work was being done at all.

I accept now, that they are just different people & I shouldn't try to change that

Middersweekly · 01/08/2019 10:24

My 16yr old DD is like this also, she has so far spent her summer holidays in her room and only seems to appear for food. She likes gaming also. She converses with friends online but rarely makes an appearance out of her pit! At her age I was out partying with friends etc so I don’t really get the mentality of being a recluse but I think that is her personality. She prefers her own company. I am sure there will come a time when she turns the corner. I was hoping that would be at university but by the sound of it, it doesn’t end there! They will have to adult at some point though by getting a job, their own home etc! They can’t make a life from sitting and gaming (unless they are a career gamer). Hold tight OP you’re not on your own!

TitanTanya44 · 01/08/2019 19:12

Thanks all. I'm glad I'm not alone with this.

I think a lot of it now is that they have everything they need at home...computers, tv etc and they don't really see the need to go out.

I suppose things are different these days (God I sound old!)

Yes, we want the best for them! It's not necessarily about what I want but that I want my son to have a fulfilling and well rounded like for him.

Time will tell I suppose. Thanks again. It's helped to hear other people's take on it.

TitanTanya44 · 01/08/2019 19:12

life not like.

HypatiaCade · 01/08/2019 21:12

This hasn't happened overnight though, has it? I mean, all the way through secondary school, was he liked this? How did he socialise then?

TitanTanya44 · 02/08/2019 13:10

I suppose it was gradual. He was very outgoing in primary school, then he went to secondary school and got into computer games and began to withdraw. He had a few friends but all they ever did when they spent time together was play/talk about gaming.

I'm not into gaming at all so don't really understand. It seems to be quite niche and they formed a bit of a clique.

I assumed he'd come out of his shell a bit more at uni. But he didn't. In fact, it got worse.

I know it's not a massive problem in the grand scheme of things and hopefully he'll come into his own when he's good and ready.

Sophiesdog11 · 02/08/2019 14:02

Op, unless your DS is doing a degree which guarantees work (eg medicine), please try and get him to do some PT work or volunteering, as otherwise he will leave uni with nothing on his CV but qualifications, which often isn’t enough these days, when so many go to uni. Most employers want to see that graduates also have soft skills and some life experience eg can time keep, work in a team/with public, take orders.

My friends son is a less extreme version of yours, does have friends and plays an instrument, but also spends a lot of time gaming. He was hoping for a summer internship (just finished 2nd yr) but didn’t get any interviews after flying through online tests.

But he must have a very thin CV, as he has no volunteering or work on it (he and his parents are snobby about PT work, and they also say it isn’t needed as he doesn’t spend much)

Having had a DS go through recruitment for Year In Industry jobs, it was a hard lesson in lots of applicants for too few jobs. Some students got no interviews, DS was lucky to get some AND land a job, but it wasn’t an easy ride, even though he had work and volunteering experience.

Friends son landed 1 week work experience at a local firm vaguely related to degree, I suspect it won’t be enough on his CV for when he applies for YII jobs in the autumn, in competition with lots of other kids.

FuriousVexation · 02/08/2019 16:05

What is he studying at uni? Is it something he actually wants to work in or is it just something he's done because you expected him to go to uni?

TitanTanya44 · 03/08/2019 17:38

He's studying History. We had no expectations really, just wanted him to do something he was interested in/would enjoy.

That's good advice Sophie, not just for career purposes but to get him out of the house! I'm going to have a good chat with him about it tonight.

I've looked online and his university has a Gaming society that he can look into.

Thanks.

Kids eh?

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