I don’t know what to do.

[BrutusMcDogface]

Hi all, I’m really struggling right now and just need some outside perspective.

-been together 15 years
-4 dc
-won’t marry me (has said we will in the future, but not when. And he won’t accept a proposal from me. Fucking ridiculous.)
-needs to grow up. Makes me feel like the only adult in the relationship.
-does bugger all around the house, apart from the occasional thing. No regular jobs; won’t even empty or load the dishwasher if it needs doing.
-swears in front of the kids.

I do love him but I’m just not sure if I like him much and I’m just wondering if it’s a rough patch/things will get better. I guess I’m wondering how rough a “normal” rough patch gets, in an otherwise happy relationship. I just don’t know if we can get through this.

I feel like the fact that you’re coming here for advice speaks volumes. I fought for a similar sounding relationship for years and years for the sake of our child and it was a waste of time. Looking back I wish I’d walked so much sooner.

Really sorry to hear things aren’t great, but trust me, don’t waste your time, you can be happier and more appreciated x

Thank you so much Monica x
I feel like I need him to change but I don’t think he’s able/willing. Therefore, you’re probably right.

Won't marry you - why would you want to marry him?

You have one life - do not waste it on this man; nor continue allowing your children to be influenced by his bad example.

Good point, Mis.

I guess I’m wondering how rough a “normal” rough patch gets, in an otherwise happy relationship.

Please elaborate on what makes your relationship a ‘happy’ one? What you’ve described sounds bloody miserable. And anyone refusing a wedding proposal after 15 years when they said they do ‘eventually’ want to get married needs binning. I really don’t see what you’re getting out of this relationship OP. You can do better.

Hi OP. I agree with the previous posters. It doesn't sound like he's setting a good example for your children with his reluctance to do his share around the house. I've got to say, swearing in front of the children would be a real problem for me too.

He doesn't sound like a very nice person. If you have any desire to get married, don't waste your time on this man. If it's taken him this long, and he's refused your proposal, he's not going to marry you.

I hope things work out for you.

Why would you want to marry someone who you don't think you like much, does bugger all around the house, is immature, lazy and swears too much in front of your children?

As for him saying you'll marry in the future but not when and he won't accept a proposal from you, who put him in control of your life?

I would probably be thinking of getting rid of him. Sounds like a rubbish relationship. I bet he'll suddenly propose if he thought you wanted him out of your life.

Do you work outside of the home?
Does he?
How do the finances work?

Thanks again.
I also wonder who put him in control of my life! I really do.
I don’t work at the moment, Of.

He works full time and earns all the money. I think that makes him feel like he’s absolutely exempt from all housework, even when he’s off work.

OP, this man is never going to marry you. He has no need to. You do all his housework, you’ve produced four children for him, and he sits on his bum and gets waited on, with no financial commitment to you, and he can walk out whenever he feels like it, without paying you a penny apart from token child maintenance.
Whose name is the house in? Because if it’s just his, you have no security there either.
I’d see a lawyer and find out your financial position at present, then take steps to secure your future - with or without the useless cocklodger you currently live with.

Fuckssake!!

Two of my kids are playing tea parties or something; daughter just said “don’t make mess for me to clean up!” And son said “I’m the man!!”

It’s bad, isn’t it.

Is this where you want to be in 10 years? Can you imagine growing old with this man?
Do your spirits lift when he comes home?

No?

Then you need to start planning your own future.
The only person who is putting him in charge is you.

Food for thought. I think so....but like I said above, things need to change, and if they don’t.... 🤷🏻‍♀️

Why do you want to get married if you feel like this?

I do love him. 😔

Do you have any security? Is the house in your name as well? Has he made a will?

If you wen back to work, would the dynamic shift, or would he still expect you to do everything at home?

House is in my name, but no will.

So if he died, you'd be up shit-creek.