I can’t look after my entire family myself! Outside advise, perspective please

[PeppyPiggy]

Grandmum is in her late 80’s, none of the rest of our side of the family lives close by, I check on her weekly, spend a day with her, bring her food, take her for a walk, try to sort her home out while she is watching tv although she tells me not to because she is proud. I’m fine doing this, she’s old and I love having all this time with her.

My other side of the family grandparents are also coming up to their 80’s and beginning to have problems, they live in Manchester. Now my mum (who can barely walk) and dad (who is at work 24/7) have asked them to come live and retire down here in their own home. This is a great gesture but I am already the one taking care of their home as my stepdad works all the time and my mum has knee problems and shouldn't really be walking around. This set of grandparents will be coming down next week. And I have been informed that as neither my mum or dad will be able to drive them around and host the driving and hosting will be up to me.

AIBU in thinking that this a bit much? I look after Grand-mum once a week and I will always do this, I’m in the middle of my degree course which is heavy and it’s really important I pass with a first as I cannot move up in my field of work without this accreditation that I can only get with top grades. My mum and dads house is HUGE, like a proper mansion, it takes me a full day to clean (they do not want a cleaner so i offered), they refuse to live in a smaller place even though I have made it clear this is too much for me and me helping will not be long term. My grandparents have two very well, able sons that live incredibly close to them in Manchester both with great very well paying jobs yet these two uncles offer no help. Grandparents have no where to live once they retire which is why they have been offered to come down here. If my mum were well and able to actually look after herself I could understand them coming down but shes not. My DD is only three and not at school yet, I don’t want to spend all my time just literally looking after everyone, not that i don't care and I want to care for my family but it just seems a bit much doesn’t it? 3yo Dd, Old age grandmum, mum and dads mansion and now the other set of grandparents ...and my degree, my life ? Sorry for loads of typos and errors I’m tired

Yanbu. Do you have 2 years left to go on your degree? They should be supporting you through it, its for your future.

DD your life, your degree grandmum, this is the order of importance mum and dads mansion and other grandparents need to fend for themselveds and it sounds that they can well afford to pay for help

Stop being such a people pleaser and enabling your family's behaviour. Okay you enjoy supporting your Gran but stop doing your parent's cleaning etc and say no to lifts and hosting for your other grandparents.

Do you have your own home?

Its becoming too much and you will end up having a nervous breakdown or are otherwise ill if you keep on like this. Carer burnout is a real possibility here and your child could miss out on you because you are not available emotionally to fully engage with her.

Start saying no to requests now and look at your own behaviours in more detail too; enabling and people pleasing does you no favours (why did you offer at all to clean their house as they turned down a cleaner?).

You need to start saying 'no' to requests for help.

You seem happy to see your grandmum one day per week so, if I were you, I would carry on doing that but nothing else.

Although you offered to clean your parents' house, you will have to tell them you can no longer manage. They will have to employ a cleaner.

Equally tell them you are not going to chauffeur your other GPs around next week so they'll have to use taxis instead.

You need to take care of your DC and yourself first. Do your studying, enjoy seeing your nan but tell your parents that is as much as you can handle. You are not her just to be a servant to others.

Your DM should not have invited your other GPs down here if she is not in a position to help out if they need it.

You need to say no

Why did you offer to clean? Are they paying you?

Suggest reading up on assertiveness, eg “Woman in your own right”, and saying no.

As a start, stop cleaning your parents’ house FFS!

Way too much for you to do and I'm afraid you are going to have to take several steps back and not be guilted into doing more than you can/want to.

If your parents don't want to hire a cleaner, then they will have to sort something else. If they can't drive the other grandparents around, then they are going to have to sort something else. These are NOT your problems,

I understand you offered to do the cleaning, but as someone else said - you now have to make it clear that you can no longer do this. Don't negotiate or apologise. If you can't, you can't. Simple as.

Helping out when and where you can is one thing, but being taken for the family dogsbody when you have your own life and family to prioritise is just basically taking the proverbial.

Time to harden your heart and start saying "No I'm afraid I can't".

I think it's a disgrace when grandchildren look after their grandparents. That is a task for their children to do, if they can't, it's up to their children to organise professional care.

Your DD and your life and your responsibility no one else

You need to priortise them - what would happen if you say no

I agree with everyone above really.

Unless you live with your parents and pay rent by cleaning weekly I’d stop that ASAP and let them get a cleaner.

Don’t feel guilty and good luck with your degree

The life you live is a result of the choices you make.
You need to start choosing differently.
Stop cleaning your parents' house. I presume they don't want to pay for a cleaner. They will live with the consequences of that choice. The uncles choose not to help and facilitate an unfavourable living situation and why should they? I would choose not to as well and live my life more stress free as a result.
You and your DD are your priority. Why make life more difficult than it has to be?

There's an elderly parents board OP, you might want to get this moved there, or post another thread there, and look at the existing threads. You can't do this, you can't take on so much, it's not fair on you or your DD, who's your priority. You need advice on getting boundaries in place and standing up to people's demands and also finding out what other help can be commandeered.
Good luck. Here's the EP board. www.mumsnet.com/Talk/elderly_parents

They dump all this on you because they’re selfish and you’re a doormat. You can’t stop their selfishness but you can stop choosing to be a doormat.

My friend is in the same position. She cares for her elderly relative and now his late wife’s sister needs help so it’s just presumed she will be there for this relative too, to clean, shop, provide daily company and transport to medical appointments. She loves these relatives but
I think the oldies forget that women today don’t always choose to do what women did back in the day, ie their only job was housewife/carer of extended family as married women weren’t encouraged to work.
They need to be reminded of all the things you do and how busy you are and how things are different for you compared to their day. Nobody of their generation wants “strangers in my house” (a cleaner) but that’s the way it will have to be, providing they can afford it. You need to be honest with them and yourself. Re the other oldies, perhaps you can free a little time up for them but dont put yourself out too much, as this was arranged without consulting you. (Ps I am in no way insulting sahm or housewives/househusbands for choosing this lifestyle, just putting it in a way olds will understand).