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Original poster

DH and his excessive swearing in front of DC

29 replies

PennyPittstop · 31/07/2019 14:24

DH and I have been together for 12 years. He's in the military so he's used to everyone at work not being shy about using swear words. I work in a male dominated environment where everyone swears like troopers too including me but when I'm at home in front of the DC I rein it in. OK, an occasional oh shit slips out but generally I make sure that I use more child friendly language around the DC. DH on the other hand is constantly F this F that F the other in front of the DC despite me asking him to zip it. 9 year old DS gets upset by it. 3 year old DD has started copying Shock DM took her with her to the supermarket this morning and DD said the F word 3 times in one sentence even in the correct context. DM was obviously horrified and I'm mortified. How the hell can I stop DH from swearing all the time? I think he's at the point where it's so ingrained that he doesn't even know he is doing it. Every time I bring the subject up now he gets arsey with me and says that it can't possibly have come from him Hmm

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 31/07/2019 14:31

Why are you with him at all now?. What do you get out of this?

He being in the military is no excuse really and he is denying there is a problem.

Your children are copying and or are otherwise disturbed by their dad’s incessant swearing (they could also get into trouble at nursery and or school if such language is repeated there). Do you want to keep on showing them that your relationship with their dad is still acceptable on some level?

Original poster
PennyPittstop · 31/07/2019 14:41

Atilla he is a doting dad. He absolutely adores the kids and OK, he drives me insane most of the time but we sort of rub along OK. It's just the excessive swearing which I honestly don't think he is aware of doing. If he knew he was doing it then he would try and stop. But because its something he's not aware of doing it becomes very difficult to make him think about what he says before it comes out of his mouth... Usually with a few F's thrown in.

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 31/07/2019 14:46

Not so much a doting dad as much as a poor influence on his children, if he was doting he would make more efforts around them and in turn you to curb his bad language. It’s a habit that he needs to break for his own self too.

labyrinth · 31/07/2019 14:49

Film DD effing and jeffing and then send it to him. Tell him that if he doesn't curb his language that she'll be going to school and speaking to the teachers like that.
My DP swears like a sailor but after hearing his angelic daughter say tw@t in front of his mother that soon changed in front of the children.

Original poster
PennyPittstop · 31/07/2019 14:50

Attila yes, I agree that he is definitely being a bad influence at the moment. The trouble is that he simply doesn't realise how bad his language is. If he accepted how bad his language is then I think we would be half way there to fixing this problem. But at the moment he thinks that DD must be getting it from me/pre-school/my parents or anyone else he can dump the blame on.

OP posts:
53rdWay · 31/07/2019 14:51

Pick him up on it every single time he swears in front of them.

Original poster
PennyPittstop · 31/07/2019 14:53

Labyrinth that's actually a really good idea. I may have to enlist DS to record him on his tablet as I know he behaves slightly differently when he doesn't think I'm within earshot Hmm

OP posts:
AgentJohnson · 31/07/2019 15:26

Dear lord! Do not get your child to spy on his dad by making illicit recordings. The very suggestion is way more reprehensible than swearing.

His choice of language is scaring his child, if that isn’t enough reason to cut it out, then it says a lot about him.

You can’t stop him swearing, especially since you gone along with it for so long. Make it clear that you don’t like it and his choice not to be sensitive to the needs of his family make you think less of him.

AgentJohnson · 31/07/2019 15:27

Involving children in adult issues should never be the easier option Hmm.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 31/07/2019 15:30

You're already seeing how his constant use of bad language is affecting both your children here. Is this really how you want them to remember their childhoods?.

He saying it cannot possibly come from him is him with a flat denial of the problem and a shirking of responsibility. Such men do not change, you can only change how you react to him.

SeaToSki · 31/07/2019 15:32

Would he believe you if you counted the number of Fs he says in half an hour and told him later?

Original poster
PennyPittstop · 31/07/2019 15:32

Agent Johnson I have done all that numerous times already. He agrees that swearing in front of the DC is not acceptable. The issue is that he isn't aware of what he is doing and somehow I need to make him aware of just how bad his use of offensive language is. I have brought this very subject up numerous times ever since DS was a baby 9 years ago. We were lucky that DS never really copied swear words. DD is a different kettle of fish and is like a little parrot. I'm not prepared to be the mum with a swearing 3 year old at pre school.

OP posts:
Original poster
PennyPittstop · 31/07/2019 15:35

SeaToSki I've already tried that. He said that I was exaggerating Confused

OP posts:
SeaToSki · 31/07/2019 15:52

Is his mother around? Can you get her on board to chat with him - so he realises its not just you noticing?

hellsbellsmelons · 31/07/2019 15:58

Electric shock collar?
You need to pull him up on it every single time you hear it.

GiggleMcDimples · 31/07/2019 16:10

Was also just going to ask if his mother was around. Does he swear in from of your mother too? I personally think it's incredibly disrespectful to swear in front of parents. And if he doesn't swear in front of them then he is clearly able to rein it in and is just choosing not to.

Original poster
PennyPittstop · 31/07/2019 16:40

Had a giggle at the electric shock collar!
He swears in front of my parents on a daily basis. His mother lives the other end of the country but he also swears in front of her. However, I know he is more than capable of not swearing at certain official occasions so he ought to be able to pack it in when at home in front of the kids. I guess he's more relaxed at home though so probably doesn't think to watch what he says.

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Haworthia · 31/07/2019 16:46

If he’s able to rein it in at certain times then he’s able to rein it in at home. Forget all this nonsense about not knowing he’s even doing it. He just needs to use his brain before he opens his mouth, and - most importantly - care about and respect his family enough not to use offensive language around them. Is his son being upset not enough? Is his three year old swearing like a trucker not enough either?

rightteous · 31/07/2019 17:24

Ok this isn’t ideal but if this is the only thing wrong with your DH then you’re not doing bad. To be honest, they are going to pick this stuff up at school (mine have) so the best thing to do is to educate your kids not to make poor choices. We say to our kids that these are swear words and make people feel bad so we don’t want you saying them. Then hammer it home. Now if my DH says the F word my kids say Daddy’s using a bad word. Try and use some reverse psychology. Other than that, swear jar. Hit his pocket.

ChocOrCheese · 31/07/2019 17:34

Can you not simply say "stop" every single time an unacceptable word comes out of his mouth? If you pull him up on every single use surely he will quickly see just how often he does swear.

TurnOffTheTv · 31/07/2019 17:37

Pick him up on it EVERYTIME without fail

Original poster
PennyPittstop · 31/07/2019 19:06

Thanks righteous, that's a very helpful comment. DH isn't perfect but he's certainly not awful like some men are. The biggest issue as you say is the fact that he doesn't think about what is coming out of his mouth in front of the kids. DS knows that they are bad words and regularly pulls his father up on them. I think your approach re our DD may be the way forward. I'm also going to record a 5 minute conversation with him and get him to listen to it so he might hopefully realise how awful it sounds when he starts spouting expletives.

OP posts:
theunrivalledjoysofparenting · 31/07/2019 19:11

He doesn’t realise he’s saying it? He must know what’s coming out of his mouth, surely? He needs to try harder.

Sounds awful. It’s horrible to hear a young dc swearing. And they’ll get into all sorts of trouble at school.

ExpeditionEverest · 31/07/2019 19:48

Honestly, he sounds really unpleasant and full of excuses.

What would happen if he was ordered to watch his mouth at work? He would soon stop it then, wouldn't he? I bet he doesn't swear constantly when he's in front of a senior officer, so he does have control, he just can't be arsed to implement it at home.

There is no justification for this, really.

AgentJohnson · 03/08/2019 07:49

The biggest issue as you say is the fact that he doesn't think about what is coming out of his mouth in front of the kids.

Yeah but... he knows what’s coming out of his mouth when he’s talking to people above him. He knows that he does it because you’ve told him and his son has told him. He doesn’t modify his language at home because he simply doesn’t care to. There’s no way he doesn’t modify his language with his superiors.

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