AIBU to be frustrated at this

[Shelby43]

I see my partner every fortnight for an evening. This is due to his childcare situation. His ex and him have swapped weekends and it means now I won't see him for most likely a month due to childcare issues generally on both our parts. He is so blase about it whereas I'm so frustrated at it all. I feel like ending things because he isnt as frustrated as I am!

He's putting his kids first, and rightly so. Is it because of distance that you don't see each other?

He has his kids full time over the hols, I also always have my kids full time and try and arrange things so I see him that one day. I just wish he was as upset as me for not seeing each other but he says can't be helped. The time he is free later on, I have no childcare options unless he comes when my kids are sleeping which will just be about 9pm and has to then leave early so not to see them

In the nicest way possible Shelby I feel you are been a tad unreasonable.

Of course it's frustrating but it sounds like he's being practical and not allowing things outside of his control to take over his emotions. For some people that's easy and for others not so much.

Just think about what you're saying, that you wish your partner was upset. Forget the rest of the context and just wonder why you'd want that to be the case?
When you realise it's because him being upset would make you feel better (less insecure?) I hope you realise that it's not really on.

Anyway, sneak him over one night after the kids are in bed. It's not perfect but a month is a long time!

@Bunglefromrainbow you are super wise and so true. I explained why I was upset but think I'm going to have to bite my tongue and ensure the next month!!! Waaaaah. Thank you so much for putting me straight. I needed that.

It’s all very well people saying he’s doing the right thing by putting his kids first. But the fact is, this man doesn’t have time for a romantic relationship. He doesn’t have the time required to invest in building a relationship with someone new. It’s not fair or good enough to begin a relationship with someone and then expect a new partner to hang around for a month with no contact. That’s a shit relationship. It’s not enough and I think this is what you’re starting to realise. Okay he has his kids full time over the summer hols. But that means he shouldn’t start a relationship until he knows he has the time available to give to it.

I was with a guy who had a similar set up. I saw him four times over six weeks because of the bonkers back and forth child sharing arrangements between him and his ex. I just ended up thinking why did he even bother getting together with me? What did he think was in this for me? Sure he’s a great dad. But I wasn’t after a dad, I wanted a partner and he was almost non-existent.

I’m not at all saying you should prioritise a relationship over your children. That’s not what I’m saying. But I do think it’s weird to go to the effort of finding someone to start a relationship with when you know you’re only going to see them once a month. What’s the point? Surely you’d arrange the schedule with the kids so that you see them as much but you also get to have a life?

@ProfessionalBullshitter these are also wise words too and I appreciate them. We actually fell into a relationship of sorts and it sortof suited us fortnightly but I guess summer was a real blip because of everyones holiday arrangements. When it's back to normal it will work. I have my kids full time so also not free for a proper relationship. I guess I just wanted him to feel upset at the situation at the time but it is what it is.

I personally dont think you are unreasonable either. Yes he has to put his kids first but, like @ProfessionalBullshitter said, he clearly has no time for a relationship so he's not being fair on you.
He needs to either make more effort to clear a little bit more time, or stay single.

How do you stay in touch normally?

@HollowTalk we text or talk every day. It's not a normal relationship per se but we were seeing each other regularly every fortnight. It's just with holidays the rhythm has been thrown out and I find that frustrating.

I have the same issue to be honest and I feel terrible that I can't commit any more time than every other weekend. The fact he doesn't seem bothered by that speaks volumes.

@crappyday2018 are you happy that he doesn't seem bothered or not happy?

Sorry I meant your dp not mine. My other half hates it!

Presuming this is a new relationship, why wouldn’t you want your partner to feel frustrated at not seeing you!

Mind you I had a similar scenario at the start of my relationship with DP. I think in month four I didn’t see him for a month due to him working crazy (and I do mean crazy) hours. We hadn’t met each other’s dc. We just got on with it and were calm about it and it was great to see him after that spell (he cooked me a lovely meal) still going strong after 3+ years here and very much smitten and always see each other as much as we can. So it’s not necessarily a bad sign.

@LatentPhase I think that's it, he doesn't seem fussed but think that's his communication style. He is generally like that and I do ask him a lot whether he really is happy and he seems surprised I have to ask. I've decided to take a step back though, if not that bothered about me, then that's that really.