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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

DH totally betrayed me

24 replies

Betrayed07 · 01/08/2007 15:17

NameChange.

I have quite a few demons and was advised by a councellor to write a 'autobiography' of my life to help me see things as they are/were from the past to the present date. I thought it was a daft idea assuming that my life was too dull to write about and that I'd end up with 2 pages of waffle at most. I gave it a try anyway though.

As it happened I got really into it, From the very first stages of my life I wrote and wrote, details and events came back to me that I'd previously forgotten, good and bad memories were brought to the surface and it felt so good writing everything down and it really was helping me.

I became obsessed with it and would work at it nearly every night, I'm currently on chapter 15 and I'm only half way through my story so far!

Anyway the chapters of my "book" are kept on the pc in a private folder. DH uses a seperate laptop so doesn't use this much so I assumed they wouldn't even be noticed. Anyway he did notice them and asked what they were...rather than lie to him I told him they were chapters of my life which I was writing to face my own 'head demons' and I explained to him that it was vitally important to me that they were not read by ANYONE, not even him. He agreed.

Anyway a week or so later he was acting funny and eventually told me that he couldn't resist taking a peek and that the first chapter had engrossed him so much that he read the full thing . I was livid, to try and soften the blow he said he "understood" and was "there for me" and that the book was so good I should try and get it published once finished.

I am so upset over this, the writing was so personal, there was stuff there that I've not told ANYONE and never intended to, details of abuse I suffered as a child, details of bad things I have done in the past, details of bad things that have happened to me, deep feelings about my parents...and he's read it all.

I'm just so gutted, I feel like deleting the full lot as its no longer my personal thing, its become 'entertainment' and I feel like I've been betrayed in the worst possible way.

Please tell me I'm not blowing this out of proportion... I honestly feel like walking out. I'm gutted.

OP posts:

NAB3 · 01/08/2007 15:19

Don't delete it.
Make it clear to your H that he has betrayed you big time and that he is going to have to work very hard to make it up to you. You are not blowing it out of proportion.

MrsScavo · 01/08/2007 15:22

I totally understand why you feel gutted. However, he is your DH, the person you are closest to? I very much doubt he considers what he has read as entertainment. I think the comment about getting it published was a lame compliment.

clumsymum · 01/08/2007 15:25

OK I think I can understand how you feel betrayed, you asked him not to read it, he said he wouldn't, but then he did.

BUT I can also see it the other way. It would eat me up if I thought that dh had something like this that I wasn't allowed to read because

I would feel shut-out
I would wonder exactly what he didn't want me to see
I would wonder if there was anything in there to help me understand the problems

TBH I think it was pretty unfair of you leaving it in plain sight. Why didn't you hide it, or at least password the files?

Furthermore, having read it, your dh is being supportive about it. Many blokes would havepicked out bits to laugh at, or just derided the whole thing.

Gizmo · 01/08/2007 15:27

Don't delete it.

And you are not blowing it out of proportion, it must be shattering, but I think it may be an honest mistake? Unless you've been in counselling it's very hard to understand how much you need to work things out yourself, with only a neutral counsellor to talk to. Your DH probably thought you didn't want him to read it because you were afraid he might react badly, not because it's something that must not be read by anyone. Maybe he's hoping to get closer to you and help you?

gemmiegoatlegs · 01/08/2007 15:28

i also understand that you feel betrayed, but in defence of your dh, he is only trying to understand you and support you.

it must be bizarre for him, too, as if you have another life which you are not prepared to share with him

compo · 01/08/2007 15:29

I too can see why you feel upset.
But look at it from your dh's point of view.
He probably feels gutted that you never felt able to tell him all these things but all he has done is respond in an incredibly supportive way.
He sounds wonderful.

Original poster

Betrayed07 · 01/08/2007 15:31

He did ask me to see it from the other point of view, that if he had written his life story I would want to read it and I suppose I would...it's just that if I knew anyone else other than me was going to read it I would've left bits out, rephrased bits and kept the most personal stuff in my head but then I suppose that defeats the object of it.

He said he was also curious about what I would say about him but I'm not even out of my teens in the story yet, he's not in it so far.

I just wish I had some space to sort this out on my own, incidents like this make me feel I need to be single to get through it.

OP posts:

growingbagpuss · 01/08/2007 15:33

I can kind of understand - I was advised my a counsellor once to do the same - I managed some, but it upset me so much that I couldn't continue.

I realised that the things that had happened to me, or had happened because of me, were all things that shaped the person I am now. They are not me, but they formed me.

I burnt all my childhood diaries, in the fear that someone would read them and make the mistake that this was me now. That they would know my deepest fears, or worst things I had done.

I think you are right to feel upset. As someone else said - you need to explain why to your DP. Would you trust yourself to put in writing how you feel? Nto to him neccessarily. He needs to know how you feel, and it musn't become a "thing" between you.

You can choose how you feel - you can choose to try and move on, or choose not to.... think of all the things you went through asa a child.... you have made it through and can be a strong person. This is a betryal - but have you been through worse, and made it out the other side?

This is very long. Not sure how to end it, but I do feel for you. Good Luck with resolving your feelngs.

Baffy · 01/08/2007 15:33

I think you have every right to feel betrayed. But I think you have a wonderful supportive dh. Something which you should feel very lucky about.

He was wrong to read it. And you should make that very clear. But I agree with clumsymum's post earlier.

I think you should use this to your advantage and allow it too bring you and dh closer together.

Baffy · 01/08/2007 15:36

Whatever happens don't delete it! And don't leave bits out or re-phrase anything going forward - you're right, that would totally defeat the object.

Password protect it. Be glad you've got such a wonderful supportive husband. And don't let this tear you both apart xx

NAB3 · 01/08/2007 15:39

I am surprised that people are making excuses for what he did. I know he is your husband, etc etc but you asked him not to read it so he shouldn't. As for passwording it, he should have will power to comply with a simple and justifiable request. Him being supportive now doesn't change the fact that he went behind her/your back and she/you feel betrayed.

margoandjerry · 01/08/2007 15:42

sympathies, but you said you became obsessed and were working on it every night...

Maybe he was feeling left out and excluded. He shouldn't have read it but he loves you so to be honest, you need to realise what you've got and get over it.

Sobernow · 01/08/2007 15:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

fuzzywuzzy · 01/08/2007 15:50

Put a password on it so he cant access it anymore, and if he objects, tell him you'll let him read it maybe in your own time, but this is treatment for you, not anything to make him feel bad.

You need space for yourself, and of course he found it engrossing, anyone who has read someones diary will say the found it interesting, doesn't make it right.

Saturn74 · 01/08/2007 15:51

I'd be furious if my DH read something that I had clearly explained was private.
Especially if he agreed not to.

I am glad your DH is being supportive, but he has a lot of work to do to regain your trust, imo.

Tortington · 01/08/2007 15:53

like having a diary and leaving it there.

to this situation i have this analogy.

you wouldn't leave something precious to you in reach of a toddler

for if the toddler broke it you would have to say " gosh, silly me. i dhouldn't have left it there"

i think its your fauly for leaving it ther - not his.

it takes a strong person not to read something private.

i am not that person and i don't know many people are.

Saturn74 · 01/08/2007 15:54

I am!

clumsymum · 01/08/2007 16:20

I'm with custardo, I would find it VERY HARD INDEED to resist the temptation of reading such a thing, not out of any malicious intent, just natural human curiosity.

aDad · 01/08/2007 16:27

No, I would be gutted too.

And I definitely wouldn't read something if the closest person in the world to me had specifically said not to. That is breaking someone's trust.

He's trying to make ammends though, and i think it can only help you to have him on board can't it?

BandofMothers · 01/08/2007 16:39

As an adult he ought to be able to respect your wishes and restrain himself, despite being sorely tempted to read it.

An analogy to a toddler is fine, but he isn't a toddler (no offence to custy for saying it) and he should not have read it. You made it clear how important it was to you for him NOT to read it.
You have every right to be furious.

Sobernow · 01/08/2007 18:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Tortington · 03/08/2007 14:27

if it was that important i would hide it

i have a place where i write whent hings are super shit. its well hidden.

i think leaving it in an easily accessible place is asking a maturinty only found on mumsnet apparently.

prettybird · 03/08/2007 14:41

Have to say it would a superhuman man who could resist the temptation, so yes, you're right to be upset, and yes, he should apologise - but don't let it destroy your marriage.

Adn make sure you password protect it in future!

It's happened now, you are justifiable upset - but why not now let your dh give you some support. It sounds like he wants to be - in his crass way of complimenting you. Though you do need to explain that this is personal and not beign written for publication, but for catharsis.

Anna8888 · 03/08/2007 14:43

Not easy, but try looking on the bright side. Your DH found it interesting, he finds you interesting, he loves you... the thing you are finding hard coming to terms with is that he now knows things about you that you perhaps weren't ready to tell him... or maybe not? Because if you really, really hadn't wanted him to know, you would have tried harder to conceal your writing.

I once had a very, very hard thing to tell my partner, so hard that I really couldn't bring myself to do it... so I sort of arranged (in a very subconscious way) for him to find out in another way.

It was all very hard at the time, but life is fine now and the "thing" is part and parcel of our lives and we don't give it a second thought.

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