Condescending husband- help

[Heidi2010]

Hi, first time posting, looking for advice.

My husband has anxiety which he won’t get help over- mainly health anxiety but it feeds into everything else. His reaction to things are usually
Hell for example this morning my daughter had a little accident in bed but went to the loo- my husband went to help her. It was 10 mins before her gro clock changed. He brought her into our room and told her it had changed and she wasn’t to go back in.
She started to get very upset as she wanted to get something (she’s 3). I snuck in to change the clock (this is what she wanted to look at but also wanted to get a toy) she saw that it was the sun but looked slightly different.
My husband then started shouting at me, saying he tells me to something and has to tell me 10 times, that I’m ridiculous, that she’s now going to get up early, that I never listen etc. He has done this before when he went into her room and the clock hadn’t changed yet and he said I should have told him it was set at a certain time and it would be all my fault if she was getting up, he wasn’t taking responsibility etc.

He is extremely condescending and I tell him this- he says he has to speak to me like that because I do things without thinking.. He often calls me ridiculous etc. One of our wort arguments was when I was talking about moving daughter into new room for new baby coming. It basically ended with him storming out saying he wasn’t happy etc. Seems it’s because he didn’t know where the day bed was going for him to sleep on when baby arrives... but he went as far as to say he wasn’t coming back etc

I feel like I walk on egg shells and if I make any mistake/do something he disagrees with I am criticised non stop and made to feel so small. I do try to explain this, and explain his tone/reaction- as does his mum, but he doesn’t listen.
He left this morning without talking to me and would only talk to our daughter. I don’t feel I did anything too bad except try to calm daughter and situation down and now I’m an awful person?!
I do try to stick up for myself but I don’t know what to do anymore. His lack of empathy is really getting to me.
Am I being over sensitive? Thanks

I don't really understand the business of the clock and why she couldn't go back in her room. I'm not sure this is anything to do with anxiety but he just sounds horribly controlling and you are definitely NBU.

Well he sounds awful.

And why are you sneaking to change a gro clock? That’s a bit ridiculous.

I would have a frank discussion with him at a calmer time eg when your child is in bed. Listen to him and tell him he needs to listen to you.

He sounds like he’s got things out of proportion- ten minutes before get up time is nothing. He needs help for his anxiety.

I don’t totally understand the clock issue but either way he shouldn’t be shouting at you and talking to you in this way. You’re an adult and an equal in this relationship; and his anxiety is not an excuse. I think condescending is probably an underestimation for how he actually is.

This isn’t ok. He shouldn’t be talking to you like this. He’s treating you like a child. How off putting. If he won’t listen then I’m not sure what else you can do!

I don't really understand the clock issue either.

So he lied to her and told her it had changed, then you went and changed it to keep up the lie? Why is she not allowed in her own room to get something?

The clock really isn’t a big deal. He didn’t want her to see that it hadn’t changed to the sun yet as she was getting to stay up.
I snuck in to change it without mu daughter noticing, but she did.

The clock is more of the example how very minor things are turned into a huge deal, and usually it’s me who has done something wrong. I am the opposite to this and quite laid back- I usually think everything will be ok but he is so negative and has worst case scenario for everything.
He blames me if our daughter falls over for example. And the way he responds to me and his mum is with an aggressive tone. He has no patience.
We have another baby coming in a few weeks and I am worrying about how lack of sleep etc still contribute. He did not used to be like this.
I’m guessing my only solution is to keep raising this issue to him but he genuinely believes it is me who is wrong for not taking these trivial positions so seriously...

So that's why she wasn't allowed in her own room to get something? Because she'd realise she was allowed up early? So you changed it so she wouldn't know and could go in?

Honestly, that's weird. Just talk to your child and be honest with her. It's a better approach than you both being weird, arguing over a clock, upsetting her and banning her from her own room.

The bigger issue here is how you're both behaving with your child.

He sounds controlling and very verbally abusive.
Unfortunately abusive people tend to show their true colours when a baby comes along and you are more 'trapped'
Do you have any friends or family you can talk to?
There is no point in 'keep raising the issue with him'
He doesn't believe he's doing anything wrong.
Consequences to his actions and words is the only way this will sink in with him.

Don't tell him he is being condescending. Just tell him that you won't be spoken to like that and if he can't respect you as an adult then he can fuck off.
I would also tell him that unless he gets help for his anxiety then you will ask him to leave as it's a horrible environment at home for you and your DD.
What is she learning about relationships from you?
Nothing good!!!
Don't allow this to be her 'normal'
Don't allow to her to choose someone just like this as her future partner.
Don't allow her life to be 'walking on eggshells'
If she came to you and told you what you have told us, what would your advice be?
Take your own advice here.
You wouldn't want this life for her. But you are inflicting on her anyway. Really think about the future of your DC and the lessons they will be learning from your relationship.

Joint counselling is NOT recommended with abusive relationships but could you go on your own?
Understand why you are putting up with this treatment?
Womens Aid may also be able to help you.

It sounds like you should have communicated with him and agreed what you were going to do about the clock. He was dealing with her, and trying to keep up the pretence/use of the clock (which is what it is for in some families), but you didn’t agree with him, so instead of discussing it you went and changed the clock. You undermined him.

It sounds like he does need help with his anxiety, if he flies off the handle and that sounds horrible for you - I’m sorry x

Lots if people have anxiety and treat their family nicely, anxiety is no excuse for the situation you are in. Aggression , Over reaction and being weird about clocks etc is abusive behaviour. Get help ASAP

Thanks for the advice.
I am not looking for criticism re the way our daughter is treated; I’m fully aware of the ridiculousness of the situation this morning. I only tried to change the clock because I knew what the reaction would be.
If I’m honest I agree with what many people are saying. Last week I hit a pot hole and my car blew 2 tyres. The blame/fuss he tried to put in me for an accident was ridiculous (I staved it off immediately as I knew it was coming) then my car needed an mot and he was going on about how there would be so many things wrong, that he was forewarning, that I shouldn’t be surprised because he was warning me etc. It passed fine.
The irony is that he is actually very funny/easy to get along with. He has many friends and can be good fun. But these critical episodes over small things are becoming more frequent. He has also been going on the computer in the evenings to pay games more. One weekend he actually played for most of the day until I called him out on it. But again he was entirely defensive.
He thinks I’m too lenient on our daughter; but I just don’t see things as big a deal as him.
His family joke that they all lack empathy and patience but I’m not sure I can deal with this. It’s very bad timing as I’m about to give birth and don’t think I can deal with any huge fights/upheavals right now. But I’m also aware of the detrimental impact this can have on me (especially when sleep deprived) and our daughter. He was brilliant when we had our first and I’m really hoping this might spark some of that back into him. Although I know that’s unlikely. I have just read about stonewalling and it seems this is entirely suited to him- he will not have a discussion, he blows up, blames me, leaves and refuses to talk about it. I’m going to look into strategies to use over the next few months to protect myself. But I’m aware it’s unlikely/difficult for anyone who thinks like this to change their ways.
It’s just very disappointing for me as I really want our old relationship back.

I also agree that he might have felt undermined. But by this point or daughter was crying and very upset wanting to go into her room to get clothes for her doll. He was shouting about no one being allowed in, that made it worse. I tried to go in and get the clothes myself but she followed and so that’s why I pressed the button on the clock- he started shouting from the other room.
He was so concerned that she would see the clock hadn’t changed yet that he was willing to leave her crying/very upset but he just lay back down in bed.
We had a friend stay recently and ‘jokingly’ commented how critical he was of me. If I try to paint/fix something he criticises it. I told him this and his response is “well don’t do it wrong in the first place and then I won’t have to”. I just don’t understand this response.
We are still intimate but he doesn’t really initiate much affection unless he wants it to lead to sex- I find this upsetting.
I agree I need to not undermine him when it comes to our daughter but I also think he overreacts with her somethings eg if she’s outside without shoes he shouts at her and bans her from being outside- but when it’s been warm and we’ve been in the pool she’s obviously running around with no shoes.
I obviously probably press his buttons in arguments but for things like this I usually just ask him not to speak to me like that, not to treat me like a child or to over react. But he then just claims I don’t listen so he has to?!?

** re shoes outside it’s the inconsistency she obviously doesn’t understand. But he wants to be out in the pool so will encourage her out with no shoes at these times, go mad at others

I think his overall attitude and behaviour to you far outweighs the issue with the clock. The insults, the feeling of walking on eggshells, the time spent on gaming and so on are all a cause for concern.
I think you should think carefully about whether you want to feel the way he makes you feel, long term.

He sounds like a very angry man, who is taking out some generalised anger on you.

Are you absolutely sure that he's only playing games on the computer and not talking to other people?

Well you do need to undermine him and his parenting if he is being inconsistent - which he is.
And he needs to learn to 'pick his battles' with her.
What harm could possibly have come to her this morning if she was allowed back into her room to play?
I just don't get it at all.

He is definitely not speaking to anyone else- we have an open plan living type thing and I can see what he’s doing. He’s on a game or watching YouTube. But because of this he rarely sits with my and my daughter in the day. We will watch programmes together in the evening in bed but he’s never really on a sofa, if you know what I mean.
If I try to talk to him about the amount of time on his computer then he gets very defensive and sneering.

He has been have some bowel type issues recently and had tests done, including a colonoscopy- all came back clear. They told him he has ibs. He constantly talks about it/about his symptoms. Questions what I’ve made for dinner etc. I now give quite limited responses as it’s literally every day. I try to make good food etc but I think he thinks I don’t support him. I’m not sure what else I can do- especially as the tests all can back totally fine.
I’m not sure what I’m looking for here. Mainly confirmation that I’m not going mad and that he over reacting and my feelings are legitimate. It just also seems sad because it doesn’t seem like he’s going to change.

Ask him to see his GP, he is fixating on things and is not consistent, he may have a mental health issue.
If he refuses, you may be better on your own.

OP, it sounds so awful for you.

He sounds controlling, abusive, vicious and very mean to your child.

Small children can be challenging but there is absolutely no excuse for the way you are being treated.

You cannot fix him.

I think you need to protect yourself and your child.

I think you need to tell family and friends what you are experiencing.

I think you need to look at getting a plan together to keep you safe.

Please do this before the baby arrives, as you have more time.

This is not normal. He is not normal.

He is extremely abusive to you, a vulnerable pregnant woman.

Have you a GP and health visitor etc that you could talk to.