Seem to have gone NC with dsis

[LatentPhase]

So, background is my elder sis, has always been Alpha, got on well but she has always been the bossy one/planner etc

She works a high flying corporate career and had kids late. Everything planned and executed. Even her dc1 was planned and thought out (they had ivf) as a very cerebral planned & thought out choice ivf vs adopt vs new career choice.

Me, I’ve sort of bumbled through life and motherhood, maybe made the odd bad choice (hello exH) have a modest job, own my house, like a quiet life, have my hobbies and happy with my lot. Nothing on a grand scale. Am just more laid back really.

As I’ve got older I’ve got more fed up of the dynamic, we may chat about stuff e.g. normal teen strife with mine - next thing I know she is sending me articles on how to sort out Said Problem. Suggestions for ‘help’ or alternatives to things I’m perfectly happy with (holiday destination, garden plans). It all feels like she misses the point of just hanging out.

Since her dc was born it has been more tough - her dc is an only child and the absolute centre of her life. But everything, absolutely everything revolves around him. And he hasn’t been a kid you warm to. My dc are tolerant and mice and appreciate he is their cousin. They’re pretty gracious but he doesn’t seem to know how to interact with give-and-take with them and they have never really enjoyed time with him. Lots of family members find him irritating and thing dsis needs to teach him the work ‘no’.

dsis is constantly trying to arrange ‘play dates’ and she is relentless. This involves protracted plans to traipse around London doing things her dc wants to do under the guise of things they can ‘all’ do (mine don’t want to). My dc are now 14 and 16 and not kids. A big age gap now. He is 8. My dsis won’t take no for an answer (we do the odd thing but I prefer we just see each other for general family gatherings due to age gap). I think I resent that my dc are still being hounded to do ‘play dates’ even though I’ve been clear the age of ‘play dates’ for my dc has passed. So I find myself being lc with her as the only other option is me being even more direct and hurting her feelings. She doesn’t seem to get it. Which is odd. I always thought I had been close enough to her (she never wants to just meet up 1:1 it all revolve around her dc). I feel like she is ‘gone’ and has turned into a sort of play date mission mother and not my dsis any more. I know she is probably already upset about it because she never stops with the ‘planning’. She seems to have this blind spot around her dc and not notice the actual dynamic at play.

What happened? How did I end up here? Do I just accept that’s where we are now?

Crikey. Long...

Thoughts please....

Control freaks lack empathy and imagination, thriving on structure, planning and dominating others.
Best to go low contact and be less available OP...I sympathise as I've a sibling very similar and I now find it very very hard to spend time with her.

On some level she knows her son is spoiled and difficult. So she wants him to have some sort of relationship with his cousins, as they will tolerate him.

I’d just make excuses-your kids are involved in sports, are out with friends, are studying, etc. I would suggest a movie together as they then don’t have to interact with him much.

In your shoes I wouldn’t go low contact. I’d visit without my children. Surely you can tolerate hers for a few hours.

Just tell her your DC will not enjoy the proposed activity at their age.

The kid dynamic messes up all sorts but you were sisters first and will be last. Be patient, she will appear from the fog and maybe you will feel close again. She sounds a pain but aren’t big sisters so often!

I think you have to be blunt to the point of rudeness when saying no. I've found 'Ugh, I couldn't think of anything worse, my 2 would hate that ,' pretty much gets me out of being nagged to do yet ANOTHER trip to a museum with a friend who is hell bent on 'learning experiences' for her DS. Pfft, what's wrong with some laserquest??!!

Not to say I never take my DC to museums, but there are museums, and there are museums.... and she seems hell bent on choosing the most boring ones which I just can't be bothered paying train fares and wasting a whole day's outing on it. Perish the thought that we could do a morning at the museum and then let them run around in the fountains at Somerset House in the afternoon on a hot day!

You need to be firm, and just say no my kids won't enjoy that. Could you invite them over to visit, tell your kids they need to participate for half an hour then they can go off and do as they like? It does get tricky when you feel you can't say no to someone, if you really get stuck and say yes, you can always back out later.

I agree, a child of 8 is light years away from a 14 yo or more so still from a 16yo

If I were you say to her that while her little prince son loves x y or z, your 2 would hate it and they won’t want to come out etc, “teens are more independent, they don’t do traipsing etc” best we meet up at mine or without kids and then at least we can keep up with each other’s news”