This is long so please try to stick with it- I don’t want to drip feed .
I originally met DP when he was 19, I was 17. I had been kicked out of my parents at 15 and had been living with an older bf. The relationship with older bf was abusive and by 17 when I met “DP” I was living in a 24/7 staffed group home for under 25s considered vulnerable. I was drinking heavily , drugs , and unable to fully escape the clutches of the “ex” and the violence/stalking that was ongoing .
I knew how DP felt about me back then , however he never pushed for more than the very close intimate friendship we shared, I don’t know what I would have done back then without his support as he was getting hassle from my ex and his friends.
Fast forward to 19 and the situation with the abuse was escalating. I finally found the power to break free after a particular incident snapped something inside of me. It lead to a complete mental breakdown, I was at rock bottom. DPs cousin who was also a friend came to me and said you need to let him go, give him a chance to find someone else less complicated , and basically
“don’t screw him up too”
I believed he was right , that DP did deserve better than me and so I disappeared ... Not just from him but with help from the support workers I left all that life behind , and moved to a new city and into a proper place to get real help.
Fast forward to 2015 and after five years spent on inpatient and out patient treatment for ptsd, depression, substance abuse issues I was sober (still am), living independently, working, and trying to get the qualifications I missed when young when DP literally bumped into me whilst I was shopping in the biggest shopping area nearest to both my old town and new city... He was with a new gf , absolutely lovely girl who he introduced me too , and at her prompting we all went for lunch. We swapped numbers , but a month or so later the renewed friendship ended with him letting out all his anger at how I disappeared. I let him - I figured I deserved it , but I also decided that I wouldn’t be in contact with him again . He was settled , had a life - his cousins words played in my head and I knew I had done the right thing by ghosting him because he had found better and decided to leave him to it .
Now fast forward to August last year I have been reconnecting with my family again so making very brief visits back to my home town . Off the train and in a taxi to my mums front door kind of thing - so I’m waiting for a taxi and my DP walks past me, doubles back in shock , and well we have been together ever since ...
Ok that was long so I gave you that back story because I need help to understand this behaviour of his . This is the only relationship I’ve been in since the abusive ex . I’ve stayed completely single, my focus was on me, and me alone so I still feel like I’ve no more idea about men at nearly 30 than I did back then...
He loves me , I feel it , and he shows it , and for the first time since the incident when I was 19 I’ve felt like I can trust someone again to have sex. I’ve even had flashbacks during sex and he’s been nothing, but amazing .
However , my only problem is he has to be in control, he’s explicitly told me this. He needs to be in control.
I don’t mean in control of me , but in control of the relationship. So he controls when we see each other , when we talk , he’s even said if this ever ends it will be his decision not mine (I don’t think he means this as badly as it sounds) ...
We have talked extensively about the past , and I’ve told him what his cousin told me, and he says he’s proud of me for how I’ve turned my life around , but admitted sometimes he’s still angry about the past , about my ex and what happened to me , and how I left both times even though he understands why....
He says things like
“you might meet someone else” or
“he’s nothing special and I will just forget about him again”
It’s like there are all these tests he sets , and I won’t know about them till he will say I just wanted to see how you would react .
Or he said up until recently he didn’t believe I loved him, that I was just saying it to make him feel better.
Past two weekends I was away with work, and had some free time so he drove 2 hours there to spend the afternoon both Saturdays with me . I didn’t ask him to , and he said the last time
“Izzy clicks her fingers and I jump just to get close to her” and then for the past week he’s been distant, and today said again when I asked why I have to control this , it has to be when I say, you just don’t understand what you do to me, I have to have some control .....
Now I feel like I have damaged him, made him feel like he can’t trust people not to leave ... given him the issues , like I passed on all the abuse I suffered to him when we were young and I hate myself for doing that to him.
I love him , and I’m very open with how much I love and adore him which while it is hard for me to be so openly vulnerable I do it because I know he needs words and physical affection because it is how he feels loved. I don’t need that, I don’t need repeated declarations like he does , I don’t question his feelings as he does mine , I accept what he says he feels until I’m shown otherwise.
So please someone tell me how do I fix this or make him more secure so he can just let us be , let us develop naturally rather than try to control everything about us ?
I don’t think I can damage him again by leaving him.