Are these controlling/ abusive warning signs?

[SarahH19]

Apologies this is so long.

I have been with my partner officially now for at least 9 months. It is definitely still early days but I have noticed some warning signs with him since we have gotten more serious. We don’t live together yet, he is renting somewhere and I am also. No plans at the moment to move in together but I think that is for the best!?

Last few months have been particularly difficult…

I will list them out below for opinions:

• He seems to have quite low self-esteem, always says to me ‘why are you interested in me?’

• I know this is quite common on MN- he monitors when I am online Whatsapp and Facebook messenger (Is there any way I can remove these notifications?) If I don’t respond to him on Whatsapp but am online Facebook messenger after he has sent the message he will message me on Facebook Messenger to ask if I ‘got his message?’ or he will say ‘I saw you online.’ Basically!
• Seems to take offence at little things I say
• He overthinks a lot- if I seem off with him or am more quiet than usual when I see him he thinks I am apparently breaking up with him or I ‘don’t want to know him anymore’. It’s very odd.
• Makes weird jokes like ‘Is he better looking than me?’ when I am out with one of my Friend’s or my Sister’s Boyfriend… he always says ‘as long as you aren’t cheating on me’. Just odd comments to evoke reactions.

• Does drink a lot and has abused Drugs in the past  I know this could be to do with his low self-esteem?
• If I am out he likes to know when I am home so he knows I’m home safe. Is that an excuse to keep tabs on me maybe?
• Told me he loves me within the first 2 months, I felt guilty as I didn’t say it back to him… it was too early!
• Likes a lot of my posts on social media (is that normal?) and then when I have liked a photo or follow someone he will ask me why I liked that post or why am I following that person? Especially if it’s a guy. It’s not all the time- just a few times it has happened and he tries to be subtle about it.
• Tells me he is my ‘constant’ and ‘Will never stop loving me’ (odd?)
• If I share a loving quote on Instagram or Facebook he will ask if it’s about him.
• When I am out somewhere I tag myself in places- he will phone/ message me and say ‘You’re always at that place’ or ‘Who are you with’ (will insert jokey face).

Sounds awful doesn’t it?

All of these points seem pretty bad when reading back on them. I have partially gone quiet on him for the past few days whilst I gather my thoughts on all of this. I have wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt for the first few months but it’s now gotten to a point I am struggling.

I have seen posts on here countless times about similar situations especially to do with social media issues and messaging, controlling men. I do not want to change my activity just to keep someone else happy and less paranoid!

I really appreciate anyone who has taken the time to read all of this and respond

Yes, of course that behaviour is controlling and intense.

I wouldn't want to be with someone like that.

Sounds unbearable

To be honest any combination of those points would count as red flags, let alone all of them.

His monitoring of you being online is creepy and invasive. The constant "testing" of you is also really wearing and exhausting (if it's not already it will become so). And the territory marking/questioning of your friends/your activity on social media is really odd and controlling.

What do you want OP?

If I were you I'd want to end it, a healthy relationship doesn't have any of the issues you describe, let alone all of them.

Wanting to know that someone is home safe is fine. Liking lots of someone's posts on social media is also fine. All the other things are clingy and needy... and put all together are horrifying. Are you sure this is the man for you?

Please trust your instincts. You KNOW this man is trouble. Just end it.

It's very intense, I don't know why but gotten worse over last few months. I have come across men that don't like to show their feelings/ more reserved when it comes to relationships, he is not one of them.

The only reason you'd need us to tell you these are red flags is if you were planning to stay with him. You don't need an excuse to dump him so if this behaviour makes you uncomfortable go with your own feelings.

(btw run away)

And you are with this man at all because...?.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?. How did this individual manage to inveigle his way into your life at all?. This also makes me wonder just how low your relationship bar is (its very low indeed and needs urgent revising upwards).

He is testing you constantly to see how much crappy and otherwise abusive treatment you will take from him. He is bad news in all senses of the word and has more red flags about him than a Communist party committee meeting.

Read this article too and see how much of him is in these writings:-

www.drjoecarver.com/clients/49355/File/IdentifyingLosers.html

I would also read "Why does he do that?" written by Lundy Bancroft and keep that book to yourself.

Sounds like low self esteem which could easily turn into an attempt to control you to keep his sense of security. I’d find someone else. These kinds of people don’t tend to Male great long term partners.

I didn’t even get half way through your list. Do you really need to ask?

Run like the wind op!

These are all red flags, apart from the social media stuff which has surpassed a red flag and is actually controlling/coercive behaviour.

I would really strongly suggest you follow your instincts and end this relationship.

Yes all red flags. He’s needy and it never ends well if you stay.

@AttilaTheMeerkat I will sure give that a read thank you!

I couldn't say if it's controlling or abusive, but it certainly could go that way.

But it definitely is a man who has massive self esteem issues and is going to expect you to help him "manage" this by constant reassurance, reducing contact with other men, informing him where and when you are going anywhere (and who with). So I guess, could easily turn into a control situation.

either way, he sounds awful. If he's got such low self esteem he should either get help. Or you should move on. That's it. You're 9 months in. You owe this man nothing and if he's going to behave this way, then I am not sure there's any value in continuing the relationship.

I'm also slightly concerned by the fact that you've allowed it to go on for as long as you have. The WhatsApp/Facebook one for example, I'd have snapped already and pointed out I can't or won't always reply instantly. I'd have told him he's being silly when asking about other men.

@BlingLoving thanks so much for your response. I guess I've let it to go on for so long because I've been too busy giving him the benefit of the doubt and waiting a bit longer then it's too late you fall in too deep. It's complicated. Everyone is different. I came on here to get different opinions which I've got and needed. The last few months have been worse but not something I want.

I know what you mean OP. I didn't mean to have a go at you. My point was more that if you've let it continue, it is more likely that he's going to continue down this path, getting worse and worse and you'll just take it. Until one day you find that you don't have any friends and don't do anything without asking for permission first.

I am vaguely friendly with an ex of DHs (long, complicated story). But it's funny because there's no doubt in my mind that he was at the very least, borderline emotionally abusive to her. He had learned behaviour from his parents, then imposed it on his girlfriend and she had her own issues so didn't push back. No excuses. And he had to change. But the point is that while he is 100% responsible for his behaviour, a good man will realise that he needs to dial it back and/or seek help. But too often unfortunately these types of people land up with people who don't/can't do that.

Sounds like very low self esteem. The checking on Facebook etc but this must be very draining for you and sometimes people with low self esteem like to drag you down with them. Who is he/are you cheating etc. Will affect you. If he got therapy maybe but if you are not that involved maybe move on. I'd let him know why though so he can look at himself.

@BlingLoving not at all. Thank you so much for your response.

@Belfield it's draining. I have made sarky comments when he questions me but goes unnoticed, if anything gets worse as if I'm 'laughing' at him. Thanks for your comment

He sounds very needy to me. Could try to become controlling but it's a real turn off either way.

It sounds like your gut instinct is giving you a big warming sign; so whether people see it as red flags or not I would say listen to your gut instinct that this isn’t boding well for the future