If DH leaves you for OW, should you wish them the bloody best? Really??

[JudieQu]

Hi all, long time lurker/ poster but regular NCer for privacy. I've just read this interview to Candace Bushnell, the creator of Sex and the City: www.celebitchy.com/629438/candace_bushnell_felt_the_impact_of_being_childfree_truly_being_alone_in_her_50s/

A few years ago she was left by her DH of over 10 years for OW, and her comment on that is:

"The reality is, if two people meet and they are in love and you happen to be in a relationship with one of them, there is not a hell of a lot you can do honestly except wish them the best"

Such a relaxed attitude shocked me a bit!! I am not married myself, but if my long-term DH left me for an OW after having an affair, I would most definitely not wish them the bloody best!!

Are affairs so socially acceptable these days that the betrayed party is even supposed to be gracious about it?? What the hell

She's right that there's nothing you can do as your spouse is an adult but wishing them the best is only possible after a long time or if you're having a affair/abusive relationship so are relieved about their departure.

She is right. There isn’t a whole lot you can do.
You never own another person and their feelings. And they don’t own yours.
You or they can fall out of love. And fall in love with another person.

She didn’t say the person left behind doesn’t feel pain. Just that there isn’t anything to be done to change the outcome.
Wishing well to the partner that fell out of love with you is hard, but is a right thing to do, especially if you love(d) them....
Set them free and all that...

I think that the best outcome for the betrayed person's mental health is to try and let go of the anger

I agree - it would have been lovely if my ex found happiness with his OW unfortunately it hasn’t turned out that way for him.

Yes it was upsetting when he left me but ultimately he wasn’t happy in our relationship.

I know it's hard but holding onto anger only hurts yourself

Honestly if a partner cheats and leave you, the other person is fucking welcome to them so yeah wish them the best, nobody said you had to mean it 🤷🏻‍♀️

Thing is surely it’s better of your marriage is ruined for something that turns out to be a forever relationship rather than a quick bunk up.

Of course you don't have to wish them the best. You can wish them the mediocre, unremarkable, the dull and slightly irrigating. You can bid them good riddance and get on with your own life. You can wish yourself all the best and hope your life will be ultimately more fulfilling without them in it.

Being "in love" is a chemical, hormonal thing which goes in cycles. There's nothing wrong with serial monogamy if there are no children involved and you're honest that you're only around til the excitement wears off, but don't get married if you're not in it for the long haul. They were old enough to know that things don't stay the same.

No need to wish them anything special in this case, same your wishes and energy for yourself.

You can be hurt and angry and you can feel absolutely devastated, but in the end people fall in and out of love all the time. I will never agree with affairs but if my DP honestly fell in love with someone else, I would wish them well. I love him and part of that is wanting him to be happy, and if that means being with someone else then so be it. It would be devastating, but I would understand and genuinely want him to do what's right for him.

You can't control or change the way that people feel and I personally feel that this is a very healthy approach to a situation you can't do anything about. What's the point in making yourself feel worse when you are able to set yourself free by wishing well a couple in love. Being hurt and wishing them well are not mutually exclusive. Resentment and anger only serve to hurt yourself more.

Irritating not irrigating that'd be different, possibly...

Perhaps it was more like: "good fucking luck to you....." you'll need it.

I don't think she literally means "wish them the best" and send them off with a Good Luck card and bottle of fizzbut just hat there is absolutely nothing you can do about it so you have two choices - accept it; 'wish them well', realise you're better off out of it and move on, or spend the rest of your life heartbroken.

I think she meant that it’s inadvisable to be bitter. Let go, move on etc. Wise advice.

glitter and whoIs yes probably, that seems healthier to me. If someone dumps you after a ten year marriage because the dopamine and serotonin levels have dropped and someone new raises them it seems foolish to do the long suffering "I live you and want you to do whatever makes you temporarily happy regardless of whether it makes me unhappy and causes me considerable inconvenience" martyrdom.

Good riddance to bad rubbish and being glad he showed his true colours while you were still Yong enough to start again sound healthier. No need to wish anything genuine - presumably this relationship will also end when the hormonal rush does, until or unless he reaches an age at which he loses interest or has insufficient funds charm left to attract anyone else...

I wouldn't wish them the best, simply that they get what they deserve, while I get on with living my life well......

Yep - I wished my ExH OW well. Good luck.
He cheated on her and the next woman and the next and the next.

ExP is doing the same to the current OW.
They don't change, so wish them well and watch it all fall apart.

Bloody difficult to do in reality but she is right in the sense that there is nothing to be achieved by letting it eat you up

My mum still loathes my dad 35 years after they divorced. He went on to marry someone who used to work with him (My mum thinks affair, they've both sworn on my half-sister's life that nothing started until well after the divorce), they've been very happily married for approaching 30 years.

Whatever the reason, my mum is a bitter old lady whose inability to accept that my dad went on to find happiness has slowly eaten her up, prevented her from finding happiness and done untold damage to her relationship with me, my brother and her grandchildren who maintain a relationship with my dad.

My ex set himself up quite quickly after we separated (I suspect overlap) but good luck to her with his emotional abuse, alcoholism and snoring.

Well, if you believe the gossip rags of the time, she wasn’t initially so gracious herself:

“Bushnell is so humiliated by the discovery that she has named Pazcoguin as a co-respondent in the divorce proceedings!

A source told the New York Post, “The divorce was proceeding amicably, then Candace found out about Georgina and became very upset. She believes their affair could have gone on for some time.”

Well, I mean I would to his face while secretly wishing his whole world crumbles around him and he lives a long and miserable existence