My ex never left his ex wife

[Vee19811]

So I have been on here a fair bit lately but I just had another bomb dropped on me. The man I was with and had a baby with was still sleeping with his ex wife. And I too if this has also been dating while away each week for work. I went through so much with this man and he does not even care how much this has effected me. I trust too easily and seem to attract men that build an idea of me only to lead to being disappointed with who I am. Now I’m on my own dealing with our baby while his still off sleeping with his ex wife which I thought was nice and turns out was playing me. I just not sure I can recover from this. All I ever wanted was to have a family and live a peaceful life

I meant his also been dating other people! Typo

So she never was an "ex" wife, she was just the wife. Is that correct?

I've just read all your previous threads and it sounds as though you've got enough going on with another one of your children's fathers and previous abuse.

You need to step away from this situation and focus on yourself. Too much going on for you and you'll end up burning out.

It took me a long time, but eventually I had to focus on myself and learn to be on my own. I was always dependant on children's father or the "need" to be in a relationship.

How's the time to put a stop to being taken advantage of and be the best "you" that you can be for the sake of your children.

Now's the time**

No they are divorced. But this entire Time have been sleeping together. I just need to get it off my chest that’s all as it hurts. I’m not looking to be with him as it’s a loss cause. But I can’t help but feel crushed. I’ve been doing really well lately then I got an email from someone called James telling me that I have been taken for a fool and that they both have been using me as a chess piece. I just feel so hurt.

TO be honest I would rather not know about it and whoever James is has not done me any favours.

I just don’t understand people’s cruel ness. My life just seems so disrespected. I can’t believe I ever looked up to this man. I have stuck to no contact rule apart from letting him know how hurt I am to find this out. When he sees our baby I don’t even make eye contact because I hate to admit I still love him. I’m scared he will just say one nice thing and I’m back to allowing him to test e badly. I’m being really strong, I’ve signed up to start a new degree in Oct and I’m really moving my life forward. I just have days like today where I feel I morning our relationship. I miss him but he treated me so poorly

In the long run “James” may have done you a favour, although I appreciate it doesn’t feel like that now.

At least you have the full picture and are far less likely to get suckered back into seeing this idiot. From the way you’ve written your OP it sounds like it wouldn’t take a lot for you to be back with him, and that’s knowing what you do now.

None of this is a reflection on you. You’re the wronged party and he (and his ex if she knew) are just complete shits. I’m guessing, from the fact that he’s already been married and divorced and that you “respected” him, that he’s a bit older than you? I’m guessing perhaps 10-20 years older? If so he’s been even more of a douche to take advantage of your feelings like he has.

Are you ensuring he’s paying the right amount for your DC? Don’t let him get away with that too. Even if you don’t need the money, collect it and put it away for DC.

His older but only by a few years. His very intelligent and I guess I really enjoyed listening to him. His very good with his children and it’s really quite beautiful to watch. Oh yes he has two children with his ex wife. The eldest has behaviour problems with faking panic Attacks and does not listen to much. But really his a very bright child and has so much warmth in him, he just seems to struggle with a few things. As you can tell I love his children very much which is hard for me. He always told me I wronged his children but I really never did. I could never understand why he felt this way. I made such effort with his children and always considered their emotional needs.

I just feel so crushed, his ex wife I thought was being really supportive but it turns out she was just me. I’m a strong character but I’m a complete walk over with how kind I can be and I don’t see or understand why others would choose not to be. I guess I tend not to say anything unless it’s been a huge blow.

He lied to the maintenance people but told me he would pay the full amount regardless. I just feel despite my efforts his still got power over me. I truly know he does not care about me and I tell myself everyday I deserve more and so do my children. This is how I’ve managed to keep the separation.

Finding out things like he was mocking me to his ex wife about my view on politics or that I don’t like debating it with him. The thought of them just completely mocking me really hurts. I feel so foolish

Yeah... he’s not really the man you’ve built up in your head, is he?

He’s prepared to try and cheat the CMS and therefore his DC (have you appealed btw), he’s at least financially controlling and sounds emotionally abusive.

You probably need counselling per your previous posts. It’s very common for abused women to go from one abusive relationship to another.

I wish I did not think about him or miss him. I compare everyone to him and it’s hard when something good happens I want to share it with him. If something bad happens his the last person I want to know about it because I’m totally scared it will be used against me. I don’t want to believe his bad but his just done some very cruel things and I just crave to be with him.

I fully appreciate how insane it sounds. I know his wronged me and I won’t return to him but I miss him

Oh my god my DS father did this. Its mind boggling isn't it?

He told me they'd been split up 6 months when he met me. We were together for only 3 months, he did love bombing (telling me he loved me, how he has never been so happy etc), fell pregnant (I was on pill but he had told me he had a vasectomy) and then 2 months into pregnancy, he tells me that he's back with ex wife. Upset but understood this. She then tells me that they were never split up and he'd been banging her the whole time and I was a dirty tramp for being with him! Even tho she knew about me and he knew about both of us and I knew nothing!

Never felt so stupid in my life. Felt like a great big mug sign on my back and my forehead with neon lights pointing to the wally.

However 15 months later, I have a peaceful life with my beautiful boy (and my wonderful daughter) He can't get through a day without alcohol and cocaine.

The neon lights are pointing to him as the wally now

You say ‘you’re too trusting’ and ‘a pushover’, it’s time to work on those things because it’s those behaviours that have contributed to your attraction to this fraud. His Ex is just another desperate woman who has decided that the only way to keep this ‘prize’ is to sleep with him. I suspect he’s hoping that you’ll join his harem at some point.

You liked the idea of him and still do and that’s why you are finding it difficult to detach from this creep.

There are some really messed up people in the world and ‘trying to see the good in all people’ is a excuse to avoid having strong boundaries and permission to ‘people please’.

Formalise contact and detach.

I know your right. He made me out to be a lier and that was the reason he kept me at arms length. It hurts because I was honest with him and confided in him some very painful life events and in return he told me he did not believe me and that I had to provide it to him. This came up in different ways a fair few times. I’ve always been honest person and consider myself kind. He actually put me and my children through so much but insisted it was my fault and that I hurt his children. All the while he was sleeping with his ex and also dating other people in London while constantly leaving me in a mess after dropping one of his bombs on me and hardly seeing me because he said he could not handle it, so while I’m struggling with our baby his out doing all of this. The pain his caused me makes me feel sick and the fact his ex wife was telling me to leave him and how bad he is for me while sleeping with him. I just feel so destroyed. I’m finding it hard because I don’t want to beleive anyone can actually be this cruel but they are and he does not even seem to care slightly. I feel so meaningless to them

Meant to him! Not them

his ex wife was telling me to leave him

She was right, she had an ulterior motive but she was right.

Your focus on her ulterior motive and your pathological need to be the ‘kind, honest one’ is a set of blinkers that was and is, a red rag to unscrupulous frauds. If you don’t work through your own issues you will keep repeating behaviours that attract men like your Ex.

You’re being manipulated by men. It’s worth getting yourself some therapy to explore why that happens. Do you always believe what somebody tells you or do you do your own research? Men could tell you anything to get into your bed. You need to keep that locked down until you have enough evidence that they are genuine. Did you go speak to his ex wife or friends or family before you slept with him? You need to make somebody make effort to be with you. That often sorts out the good from the bad

The problem was he did make an effort at the beginning, he really was amazing. I could not believe how lucky I was to feel so happy to met him. But after I fell pregnant it went very badly. He started treating me poorly. I guess if I was not pregnant I would of just walked away.

I did beleive everything he said, I don’t understand why people lie, I’m not stupid I know people do do it, but I really trusted him. However ofcourse now I know his a complete lier and I have been very foolish. Yes I do feel it’s important to be kind mainly because I don’t feel anyone has a right to say and do things to people that effects their wellbeing in life. I treat people how I wish to be treated. This is who I am and I’ve made mistakes in my past like most people but I choose to want to be kind. I do however know I need stronger boundaries.

Oh and thechard things was he does not really have friends I’ve never met anyone. He does not like people much. I guess this was the red flag as he has a very low opinion of people. He took me and all the nice things I did and it was always turned around to be a bad thing. Cooking dinner as never good enough, my house work was never good enough even though my friends say I’m very tidy and actually he was extremely messy and dirty. I just seem to except led him but he could not do the same in return. He always put me down and if he said anything nice it sound robotic, I know that sounds harsh but it really was how it was. Could never feel close to him unless we were having sex... I’m talking quite far into the relationship. Ever good deed was twisted always.