Dating someone with OCD: Can it work?

[PinkRobots]

Now, before I begin, I just want to say that I'm really sorry if I offend anyone. I honestly don't mean to. However, I think it's best to explain my situation as clearly as possible.

I've been seeing a guy for about 4 months. We are both early thirties. Up until 2 months ago, everything was perfect. We have loads in common, similar goals, etc.

About 2 months ago, I invited him round to my house. As soon as he stepped inside, his whole attitude changed. He went rally quiet, very nervous etc. After about an hour he left. I thought he was just nervous because we hadn't had sex yet.

He apologized and invited me over to his house a week later. His house is spotless clean, and there are cleaning products (especially wipes) in every room. He cooked for me, and he honestly washed his hands after touching anything: every new vegetable, plate etc.

Once I started noticing it, it became obvious that he has OCD. He doesn't have a wallet (he finds cash dirty), he brings his own cutlery to restaurants, and loads more.

I finally confronted him about it two weeks ago (whilst drunk). He got really upset and confessed that he was officially diagnosed as having OCD five years ago. He admitted that he finds my house filthy (it's not that bad!), and he finds sexual contact hard because of that.

He said he has tried some treatments, but none of them have worked.

The thing is, I really like him. Before I found out about his OCD, I really thought we would have a long term thing. However, I'm now struggling to connect with him as I feel that he's secretly repulsed by me (which he says he's not).

Im not sure what to do next. I want him to try more OCD treatments, but I don't know if it's my place to tell him this or not?

Does anyone have advice? Or a similar situation?

this is a very tricky one. im sure underneath all those layers of protective rituals and behaviours, there is a normal lovely person with emotions and empathy for others who wants a intimate connection.

in my experience, ocd and obsessions are very tricky. the habits, thoughts and thoughts are so ingrained they become part of you and essential to carry out.

in a nutshell, you have to accept from the outset that it may always be a part of him. Things wont be as straight forward as someone without OCD and the systems he needs to adhere to may be very disruptive and frustrating to every day things like shopping for groceries to travelling together on a where he maybe distraught because of germs etc.

how would you feel if he didn't want to hold your hand out and about as he is scared of what may have previously touched?

would you be hurt if he insisted on a shower before and after intimacy?

could you cope with any of his rules, "don't set that there, its germy!" etc?

He has got to be as transparent and upfront as he can so you know the extent of his obsessions and anxiety. It could be exhausting not knowing if you are doing wrong or right.

I can accept that this is part of him. However, I think that he should explore all avenues of treatment before giving up and living with it. He seems reluctant to try any cures, which isn’t okay with me.

Will you feel comfortable with him taking his own cutlery to restaurants on dates?

I think the sexual contact issue is likely to be a massive issue. He may say he's not repulsed by you but cleanliness is clearly an obsession with him, he admits sexual contact is an issue for him and the only reason I can think for feeling that way is that he worries about picking up germs from you or that he regards sex as dirty.

He sounds too much like hard work if he was diagnosed 5 years ago and treatments haven't worked.

It's not your place to tell him what to do. He's virtually a stranger to you.

germ obsessions can be very tricky. there may not even be a cure, there may be a decrease in it but it might never be fixed, its a very complex anxiety disorder.

I do agree though, the person who has this really needs to keep trying to work on ways to lessen the effects of their obsession.

You sound well intentioned but pretty ignorant. There's very little help for OCD in the NHS beyond medication and CBT. What other avenues would you like him to try?

Also you very rarely cure OCD, you learn to manage it better.

I was hoping to come in with reassurances, as I know two people with clinically diagnosed OCD who have full lives with partnerts despite the occasionally crippling repetitive behaviours.
But neither of them have a cleanliness obsession. If you have to work within their framework, that requires you to change everything you do. Probably no pets, surely no kids, sex and physical closeness will always be a problem. The tightrope mental health balance of helping vs enabling. Can you deal with that?

I would walk away now before you become further over invested in him and or emotionally hurt. He is not your fixer upper or yours to try and rescue and or save. I would agree that although you sound well intentioned (and the road to hell after all is paved with good intentions) you also come across as not knowing much about OCD and how debilitating it is.

Like most MH issues there isn’t a ‘cure’, especially OCD, you just have to learn to manage it. If you like him as much as you say I think you need to learn to be supportive. I agree with an above poster who says that although you sound well meaning you don’t really understand what he’s dealing with. Inform yourself as much as you can and be patient with him - it would be a shame to miss out on what you say could be a potential long term relationship.

As a person with OCD I feel uncomfortable about you saying about exploring other avenues.

He will have suffered with this much longer before his diagnosis.

OCD becomes a way of life and I think the important thing to understand here is the things we put into place-like bringing cutlery- are coping mechanisms! It makes a person feel more comfortable and this enable him to do things that other people do-like eat out.

I personally don't like eating out or having a take out. If my bf wants take out I'll go get it him but I'll make sure that I have something yummy ready for me so we can still eat together.

We have only been together about the same time as you guys and we have leaned to live with things. Yes I feel more comfortable in my own house where everything is my way. But I do go to his a lot. Sometimes I'll let him know if something is aggravating me - we both have dogs so usually skirting boards or the stair carpet, we have a giggle and sort it. And he lovingly takes the p out of me about how much I like to wash things but it's become part of our routine now that I get out of bed and strip the sheets.

It's about working together. Although one thing I will add I'm not sure I'd ever feel comfortable living with someone again after having my first house on my own for years now I've never been so relaxed. So that's something you might have to consider too.

The sex thing is a biggie. I know it might be a turn off for you but having a pre sex shower would probably make you both feel like you can let go of inhibitions and have a good time. There's nothing to be offended by in that. Just a suggestion to make you both feel more comfortable.

I have diagnosed OCD - infact it’s been diagnosed as genetic OCD or ie others in my family have it too going through the generations. And I also have germ or cleanliness issues. Loads of people have OCD and are in happy relationships. I’ve been with my hubby 20 years.....but when I was diagnosed with OCD a few years ago I wanted to change for the sake of my children. And I have changed - with the help of CBT I am a completely different person. What bothers me about your situation is that your partner said treatment has not worked. I do have one person with OCD in my family who does not have any motivation to change - it’s very tricky for even me to deal with them sometimes and that’s considering I am in a good place to understand them. I love them to pieces but they struggle with certain beliefs or rituals that really affect things. Personally, I think you should stay friends with this man and see what happens with his OCD. It sounds like with the level of his rituals that he has very bad OCD.

I have very severe OCD and am happily married. It can work but it takes effort and compromise on both sides and a shit ton of communication.

Ah, tricky.

I briefly dated someone with OCD a few years ago and I think it was the reason I walked away before I got too invested. She was lovely, gorgeous, and very much on top of her own mental health - I definitely didn’t feel that she wasn’t doing all she could to minimise the disruptiveness of OCD. But I’d underestimated how much of an impact and an intrusion it would be onto my own life/head space. She was upfront from the start, it was my minimising it/ not really understanding the severity/ wrongly focusing on another MH diagnosis she also had, much more headline-grabbing, but basically with zero impact on her daily life other than the theoretical risk of relapse.

That said - I am a single parent, which really compounded that issue for me - I basically didn’t want her OCD to also become my child’s problem. It was just an additional complication we could all do without. I am totally aware this makes me sound like a callous bitch and maybe I am! I don’t regret walking away but at the same time I still feel it’s possible I judged it wrong, and definitely I may have judged it differently if I didn’t have a child to think about (and also, because of having a child, I’m aware I’m super sensitive to feeling that any potential partner wants me to mother them, and that always has the effect of making me run!).

Thanks for the replies. It's been great to hear lots of different perspectives.

I do realize that OCD is, in many cases, untreatable. However, I don't think he's tied hard enough to deal with it as best he can. Since his diagnosis, all he has had is a small amount of therapy, which he claims didn't work. He hasn't tried anything else, and he doesn't seem willing to.

It's his choice, and I would never tell him what to do. However, it upsets me that he won't try other coping mechanisms.

There was another poster recently who said she loved to travel
However, after 2 children, she had realised that her DH hates traveling
So she is looking into traveling alone or with her children

The reason, I have mentioned this, is because, if you continue with your current relationship, how much of your life are you willing to compromise ?
From what you have said, there will be lots of comprising
Or you end the relationship & find someone more compatible

No one is perfect, however, a relationship should be fun, not hard work

My partner has OCD and was diagnosed as a child. His manifests differently from your dp (more about focusing on a certain thing and worrying about it). He's currently on some meds and gradually cutting his dosage.

Like anything else he has good days and bad days. Once they changed his meds and the newer stuff made him really twitchy like he'd drank waayyyy too much coffee but we work through it.

See how it goes, maybe take things a step back and see how you both cope with his OCD and the relationship. He might in time try other treatments but only he can decide if and when to do that

What kind of help has he had ??

An anxiety OCD programme would benefit him a lot and a sex therapist.

This relationship will take a lot of work OP.

You need to walk away because he is not interested in doing anything else regarding his OCD. He has made this clear to you. He's not a project and this is not something you can get over unless you want this dominating your life or you want a relationship that doesn't involve ever living together and little to no sex (which you might!).

I have ocd.
It massively impacted my partner
And he stressed me out so much more because I couldn't control him, he just kept contaminating things

I got an absolute ton of therapy and it's now, after a few years, under control, you wouldn't even know I had it from the outside. But my partner certainly knows still.
However, he's border line having OCD anyway and so we're probably still a bit OTT for most people. It doesn't sound like that's you.

Honestly, if he's given up getting help, he seems like a lot of trouble and you can't 'fix' him if he doesn't want it. I'd consider taking a step back and a breather from the relationship. People joke about OCD like it's not a big deal, the person just wants likes to wash their hands or straighten stuff up, but it's so much bigger than that.

I know someone who has a partner with OCD and similar very issues to what you describe. I think it limits what they do a lot. I know there are many compromises and it is hard for others to get close as there are so many rules.

It is obviously workable for them but it may well be tough for you OP.

If someone is willing to have treatment that is a whole different issue. The person I know isn't.

All the best.