Is this too much alcohol

[Itsallchange]

So I’m currently going through a divorce and I need to be clear in my mind if I’ve been unreasonable or if my STBEH does have a problem with alcohol.
He works a continental shift so means he works 4 days on 4 days off 4 nights on 4 days off (repeat) he drinks every day other than when he’s working nights.
When he’s off work he drinks more, he starts around 2 in the afternoon and will regularly drink between 4-8 cans. He drinks away on his own standing in the kitchen, but will drink in front of the children when they/and me come home. He doesn’t really get drunk even though he doesn’t eat properly so is drinking on a completely empty stomach, will eat afterwards and then usually be asleep on the sofa by 7.30. Functions perfectly well and will prepare dinner sometimes, there are times it’s not done properly because you can tell he’s had a few too many and so isn’t concentrating as much. My eldest S understands and will vocalise that dad doesn’t do certain things (like take him too Football) because he’s had a drink. When we first split up I monitored just how much he was drinking and on a good week he had 54 units, other weeks was up to 80!
He’s very inconsistent with his moods when he’s had a drink he can be over friendly with the kids or very snappy and shouty.
He is constantly making me feel like I’m making this a problem when it isn’t, and also isn’t taking on board the problems I am saying were the reasons I wanted to divorce. Emotionally he is very unstable and I worry he may do something silly.

Definitely sounds like an alcohol problem to me. It's affecting family life (dinner, football) and yet he's denying it which is a fairly classic symptom!

Good news that you are divorcing him as you can't cure or control his drinking and you didn't cause it.

All you can do is assume he will never do what he is supposed to do (depressing but realistic) and put plans in place to ensure your kids are protected ie is there someone else who can take them to football if he can't?

Thank you for replying @FusionChefGeoff I do everything for them they never miss out. And that is probably why they are not so concerned with him moving out because not a lot will change for them other than they won’t need to walk on egg shells

UK guidelines state that a man shouldn't have more than 14 units a week, which is about 6 pints of beer.
The US recommended consumption per day for a man is UP TO 2 units a day - so up to 700 ml of beer a day.

8 units in a sitting is considered binge drinking.

Your ex is binge drinking every day, even on a "good" week - 51/7 = 7.7 units per day .

He has a massive drinking problem.

On the outside chance that he has somehow managed not to become dependent on alcohol (VERY unlikely), he is still drinking so much that his health and quality of life is seriously at risk. He will most likely die of an alcohol related disease. There is zero chance that his relationships are not affected by his drinking.

You have not been unreasonable.

Thank you @rvby 😁

So he's not drinking 4 nights a week and has odd shift patterns? So starting drinking his 4/6 cans starts at 2pm? Which is not normal to an ordinary 9/5 worker but is fine for a shift worker surely?

I think it sounds fine TBH. But I don't understand if you really mean he is only drinking 4 days or 7 days?

It doesn't sound excessive to me, he has a very hectic and disjointed schedule so his eating/sleeping patterns will be all over the place surely?

@billieeilish OP said 54 to 80 units a week - that’s NOT ok.

To me anyone who drinks 4-8 cans a day at home has a drink problem.

You drink to get refreshed & rehydrated alcohol has the opposite effect.

The fact that your children can tell when he's a bit "sozzled" is very telling. I wouldn't want him around my kids cooking tea in that stare.

Sorry pip I saw he worked shifts and on days when not working nights he had 4/8 cans?

IE half the week he didn't drink. It isn't clear to me at all what he actually drinks.

I repeat that I don't think that's excessive. Starting at 2pm is irrelevant as he is working very different hours to 'the norm'

Just my opinion! People have an odd attitude to alcohol and food on these threads.

Either way it doesn't work for the OP and she is divorcing him, she says he keeps down his job etc... so he is coping and she's doing what's best for her.

Stressful time for both and a public forum isn't where you get the answers. He could be using his beer habit to cope with his shift work and the stress of a divorce.

We don't know, is it 30/40/60/80 units? How can we know.

He's letting his kids down because he chooses to drink instead.

The quantity isn't actually important.

Thank you all for replying I appreciate all of the responses. Apologies if I’ve confused the issue. The only days he doesn’t drink is when he’s on a night shift, as he gets up at 3pm eats and goes to work overnight, when he’s working a day shift he drinks as soon as he comes in. When he is off work he drinks from 2pm the reason this seems a problem for me is because he’s drinking when the children 7,7,11,15 return home from school. This then results in him being inconsistent with them and means he falls asleep on the sofa before they go to bed. I would say he functions well with the amount he drinks, and for context I don’t really drink and would not drink at home, this is why I’m unsure whether I’m being over sensitive and from reading other threads on here it would appear he does drink a lot. I’m aware that the limit is 14 units and on a good week where he’s working 4 nights he would still have more than double this. His drinking is not the only reason for the divorce but i feel it feeds into other things I’m not happy with, he does have an addictive nature, drinking, gambling and sex! Thanks again for the replies I appreciate you taking time out of your day to respond

And the drinking has been going on long before the divorce and has got gradually worse

He is an alcoholic and this will only get worse. You do right to be divorcing him because he would have dragged you down too.

He’s a functioning alcoholic, I used to be with one they are bloody hard work, so glad I got rid!
Just keep an eye that the kids are safe with him, he’s not drink driving is he? If there is an emergency when the kids are with him or one of them gets ill how will he cope?

@missyB1 that is one of my concerns but right now he hasn’t moved out, it’s imminent and no he doesn’t drink and drive, or hasn’t so far. Once he starts having them overnight I will be having that conversation with him and will have to cross the bridge if/when he decides that drinking is more important than their safety. They will be able to contact me so I would tell them to if any problems

This is really redundant.

Nobody on the internet can possibly say 'he/she is a functioning alcoholic and can't be responsible for his/her DC's' about anyone (even though they always do...)

If this is somehow helping you OP, believe it though.

Thank you for your opinion @billieeilish appreciate your honesty, however it is helping as I’ve got very few people to discuss this with in RL and also interested in strangers opinions

Good luck OP

Just remember, you married the man and had lots of DC's with him, he works shifts and you are divorcing.

Honestly, a few cans of beer even if every day, is the very least of your worries.

Unless you want a lawyer feed frenzy.

I have friends who are lawyers, doctors, magistrates, company directors who drink fine wines and whisky and far, far more than your STBEX.

I worry you are asking this question as you are unsure of your decision.

Anyway, I wish you the best of luck. A very difficult time for all. No, I do not think he is an alcoholic. I understand how hard it is to ask people who actually know him and wish you well.

Many thanks for the good wishes, there are many other reasons for my decision this was just a small part of it. But once I looked at it closely I was shocked by how much he was consuming and am worried for his health for the sake of our children, it hasn’t all been bad we made 4 amazing DC. Definitely not going back on my decision and everything is almost sorted with the solicitors just the finances to get through. Thank you again for your honest opinion

If you're children are noticing, there's a problem. My 6 year old has just started saying "ugh! I'm having a wine!", because my fucking mother drinks from 2pm and that's what she says/does, and walks around with a glass of wine constantly filled for the next 7 hours (which us why I dont take the children to see her anymore).

It’s hard isn’t it @youjustdoyou? Because even if they don’t have a problem it’s a problem for us, and I don’t want my dc growing up thinking that its normal to drink every day. Thank you for responding