I am writing this as a professional woman of 46 that has lived for the past 32 years knowing that I secretly yearned to have sexual relationships with women.
I am a typical 70s child, brought up in a hardworking family with mum, dad and brother. I remember never wanting to play with dolls and my idea of a great time was running around the local field in a suburb of Wolverhampton in the West Midlands, playing football with my male friends. Spandau Ballet posters adorned my bedroom walls, interspersed with George Michael and AHA. I typically loved the iconic pop music of the day and “Smash Hits!” where you would find and rehearse all of the latest lyrics to songs that were charting that week, ready for a bedroom performance when they next came on Top of the Pops, or Radio 1! I was just a typical teenager, until ‘that’ scene in Brookside when Beth Jordache and Margeret Clemence shared a kiss. Until that point in my life, I was desperate for a boyfriend to share a playground kiss, but unfortunately, being chubby and spotty did not help my cause.
Then I saw it. I could not believe the way in which I responded to it, and I still remember it to this day. My parents hired VCR was an absolute Godsend, as it meant that I could relive that kiss, repeatedly in slow motion. I questioned myself as to why it had such an effect on me, as prior to this the only mischief I had got up to was stalking the most popular girl at school, around for a short period of time, not really understanding why. However, the answers to my questions were not forthcoming.
Fast-forward 28 years. By this time, I was in a long-term relationship with a wonderful man, and Dad to our three children who were in their teens. I believed that my youngest child, my daughter, at the time aged 13 was probably gay, and one day on the ride home from school, I asked her if this was the case. She cried a little then admitted that she definitely was. At no point did my opinion, or love for my daughter wain, and in fact to this day I think that she is the bravest person that I know!
What this fact did do however, was once again bring to the forefront of my mind, feelings that I had hidden deep, for a long time, even more so when she entered into her first relationship at the age of 15. I had new questions that I was asking of myself; “why hadn’t I tried it at that age?” And sadly the only answers that I could give myself was; it wasn’t as acceptable back then in the 80s, as it is now. However, this left me hugely frustrated!
So what now? I am fortysomething. I label myself as bi-curious. I have been desperately seeking that one experience that will tip my scales one-way or the other as to my true feelings, without hurting anyone in the process…..until recently. What I discovered, that completely opened my eyes, is that there are so many other women, professional women, out looking for the same thing. A chance encounter with a chat thread, on an in obscure website turned my world upside down, when I started chatting to a woman in a similar situation to myself. A few weeks later, we met and had sex in a hotel and it was the most sensual experience of my life! My partner accepted what I had done, as an experience that he could not give me. We talk about it regularly and it has massively improved our intimate relationship.
I am not sure what the future holds for me, and more than anything, I know that I am incredibly lucky to have such an understanding partner. My message here, to any woman wondering about this, is to find someone that you can trust and talk about the way that you are feeling. Life is too short to regret never having tried!