Is it time to go low contact with my mother?

[wildflowersgrow]

(I’ve name changed for this).

As a child, my mother was always hugely supportive of me and made me believe I could achieve anything I set my mind to. But since becoming an adult, it’s as if she’s become resentful of all that I’ve achieved. I can’t remember a single occasion in recent years where she’s had anything nice to say about me or my life. In that time I’ve landed a great job abroad, been promoted, got married, bought a house, had 3 kids. She never says anything nasty and I have the impression she speaks highly of me to others. But with me, she’s completely silent and indifferent to everything I do. She’s also constantly attention seeking, shows no interest in me or my family and always brings the conversation back to her. These are just some examples...

When I was planning my wedding she complained that she wasn’t involved enough, so I invited her to come and see the venue (we were getting married abroad) and do the food tasting with us. She then didn’t say a single word about the (lovely) venue we’d chosen and refused to eat most of the food due to various intolerances she allegedly had. When I asked her what she thought of everything we’d planned she said “Well I suppose it depends what you want”.

She then picked an argument before the wedding, blamed it on me, then announced she wouldn’t come to the wedding. I was adamant that I was not in the wrong, but knew that we’d both regret it if she didn’t come. I then had to beg her to come until she eventually relented. Then after the wedding she got in a huff with me and flew home without saying goodbye. I didn’t get in touch with her for a few months, until she texted saying she was going to leave her partner (she and my father are divorced) and that she’d be homeless. This is the way she always operates - there’s always some drama to make me get back in touch with her. Feeling guilty and worried, I got in touch again. Of course, nothing ever came of it.

With me living abroad we fortunately don’t see each other very often but she’s been over after each of my children were born. I had my first by EMCS and two weeks after my mother came to stay. She spent two weeks cuddling the baby (stupidly I let her, believing that she was helping me) whilst I ran around doing the housework and looking after her. She was on a strict gluten free diet, so I found myself going round town trying to find food she could eat. On a couple of occasions I cooked things I thought she could eat, only for her to refuse to eat it because I’d used a normal stock cube or put in a spoonful of flour in without thinking etc. She’d then refuse to eat anything at all in the dat, but food such as cake would disappear in the night. She also insisted she couldn’t drink tap water as it would make her ill, so I ended up lugging cases of water from the shops for her after having had major surgery.

She was here recently after my third baby arrived. Whilst she was here my two older kids were really sick and I was struggling to look after all three of them. On the first two days she stayed in bed until 3pm. She eventually got up, asked fleetingly how the sick children were, then went into a monologue about how she was getting ill too. The last four to five days of her trip, she spent all day in her room as she had a cold and we didn’t see her at all. She’d wait until we’d gone to bed then creep into the kitchen to find something to eat. When I offered to take her to the doctor she refused. That visit was really the last straw for me. She made me feel uncomfortable in my own home and, whilst I’m used to the way she is, I don’t want my children to witness it, especially now the older one sees her behavior is not normal. I haven’t called her since that visit which was several months ago now - she got in touch recently to say she’s had several medical emergencies, but I responded simply without addressing the point.

There really is nothing to be gained from having her in my life. But it just seems so fundamentally wrong to cut your mother out of your life - the person who gave birth to you and half of your DNA. It all seems so petty and ridiculous writing this down, bug I’ve really had enough.

Has anybody else been in a similar situation? I guess I want objective reassurance that she really is toxic and I’d be better off without her.

A friend is like your mother. She seems unable to see her behaviour is wrong.

Her children put up very firm boundaries and strictly police her visits. She pushes very hard to get her own way and won't see she is wrong in what she does.

They are low contact most of the time. She is very manipulative and controlling and won't treat them as adults. She fakes crises too.

That's horrible and in much the same way I have a dm who plays up. Acts sick (much of this was around the time of my wedding) and she falls and creates drama. Everything I do is disregarded or mocked. It's hard to go low contact and I am currently no contact which had left me with guilt and anxiety. I don't know what to advise you but huge hugs. Xx

Her behaviour has created this situation. She has pushed you away, not the other way around. People who behave like this can't expect to be tolerated for long. You've done more than enough to prove your worth as a daughter, sadly she has not done the same as a mum. I'd suggest standing back and letting her do all the running - if she can be bothered. If she can't be bothered, so much the better for you. Enjoy your peaceful life and do not feel guilty. Please x

That’s good advice littleandoften. I used to get in touch out of guilt or obligation, but now I’m going to leave it to her. I doubt she’ll come running, as it will require an admission that she’s done something wrong, which she will never do.

I’m sorry to hear of your situation chilledout, that must be really hard. You shouldn’t feel guilty, but I know it’s difficult not to. Admitting that you don’t have a relationship with your mother feels so tabu I think, although I’m so relieved to find that it is common and I’m not the only one.

Your mum is a narcissist and clearly not cut out as mum material. She should be celebrating your achievements and taking happiness from yours. Ive no experience to offer but you clearly feel bad either way - being in contact is stressful and not being in contact makes you feel bad. I’d go for the low contact option and make life easier for yourself.

Is she jealous of you OP?

As a child you were no threat to her in any way but now, here you are an independent woman with a husband and children of your own, lovely home, great job, enough money to pay for a lovely venue overseas for your wedding, etc.

Is she comparing what she has with your achievements and trying to bring you down a peg?

Do you have a better relationship with your father - I hope so?

Either way thank goodness you don't live close to her. Personally I'd place emotional distance between her and myself and my children as much as possible. She does not sound like a positive influence on your lives.

My dm tried to rewrite history by trying to be a great dgm, critical of my parenting along the way. No way bitch... Wasn't having my dc feeling the way I did.
She even told me my dds name was awful and refused to use it - using her mn instead.
Been nc for years. No regrets.

Read the stately homes thread and you will get an idea of just how common it is. Also look up the FOG. FEAR, obligation and guilt.

Although it is really hard to admit to people who have lovely mother’s because they really can not comprehend a mother acting maliciously.

So you get the ‘but she’s your mum’ you only get one, you will regret it when she is gone’ bull.

That’s why the stately homes thread is good. You won’t get societal pressure there.

She could be jealous. I think that is what my mother’s problem is (of many). She was born in the 40s. Smart girl but was a girl, and therefore of little value to my grandfather. So was expected to be a teacher or nurse and get married.

Whereas I got to be born in a world with better gender equality and options and I am not doing it right. I am not doing it the way she would- so wrong.

I am an extension of her, not my own person, so am punished for not towing the line.

That might be it for you as well.

Totally agree with the above poster.

Your mums sounds like she has narcissistic tendencies and now you are an adult she can only control through manipulation.

You have to go NC - you can only control how you feel and react, you can’t control her.

I’ve been very very LC with my mother for 2 years and the relief is immense. I made the mistake of ringing her a year ago and she was so unpleasant (angry one word answers) that I released I had made the right decision.

Years of picking on me. Put downs. Joking I needed to be controlled. It was after my boyfriend abs best friend both told me separately that my mum wasn’t very nice to be and they thought she was jealous of me (completely independently) that the penny dropped.

As the above poster says I think she is very unhappy in the path her life has taken and despite saying she wants a strong independent daughter, she doesn’t really as she can’t control.

Your wedding fiasco wound of been enough for me. Manipulate behaviour.

We spent a good deal of our lives with a narcissist until my mother divorced him (not my father) and I can tell you it's a really hard personality disorder to navigate a relationship with. The narcissist has no concept of other people outside of their own use and the nature of this self absorption means they'll never seek help for it. And unlike other personality disorders where you can feel real sympathy and support for the person, narcissism makes people fundamentally unlikeable! It is really hard to cut off a family member but you've got to work on your own self preservation and look after your family too. I am personally glad that my baby won't grow up around this person we've had to cut out of our lives. I wish you all the best with it!

(This is me assuming she is a narcissist, you'd be best placed to make that call obviously!!)

Thanks for all your replies, you’re hitting many nails in the head! In a way I can’t believe that it’s taken me 40 years to realize something that seems so obvious. That I have a narcissist mother who doesn’t actually care about me.

It’s interesting that many of you ask if she’s jealous, as I came to the same conclusion after my wedding, as did my DH, best friend and MIL, all independently of each other. I think she finds it hard to accept that I’ve achieved many things she hasn’t such as a good career with kids, a happy marriage etc. My mother likes to remind me that she gave up her own high flying career to look after me.

Fortunately my parents have been separated for a long time and I have a good relationship with DF. For a long time my mother tried to turn me against him though, even when they were under the same roof.

I’ll have a look at the stately homes thread, it’s a comfort to know that there are many people in the same position.

I’ll read up on the FOG too aussie. The guilt and obligation is overwhelming. For years I’ve had to force myself to stay in touch with her because I feel obliged to and she comes with some drama that makes me feel obliged to cater to her whims. She’s my mother - what if something happens to her? Surely I’m the awful one if she’s ill and I act like I don’t care?

wildflowers is it possible to reduce contact and to mentally step away from the Drama?

I cant help remembering that you said she was a loving mother when you were small. That does not give her the right to consume your life and happiness, but it was a lot, then.

If you are able to mentally detach, to keep very strong limits as to how much of your life you will let her into then perhaps you can have some limited relationship.

It's hard to cut someone out of your life. It's the best of two evils, but it is sad and unpleasant and it never quite heals. Not really. People speak of it as a cure-all and it's not. It's simply the better choice of two sad, painful ones.

Sometimes it has to be done for the sake of the children or your own sake, when someone is really toxic. It sounds to me though that your mother was once loving, but lost her way in her own jealously and is both vicious, and pitiable.

If you can detach, perhaps it's worth staying in contact. If she will drag you down, then you have to put yourself and your children first.

I find it hard to go low contact as my dm creates dramas and tension wanting to see us daily yet never asking one genuine thing. She sits and asks for tea I and biscuits and moans and makes rude remarks and sly digs. The only way to get a break is nd but that leaves a lot of anxiety. Hope you are ok op

That must be hard chilledout, it’s difficult to know what the better option is in those circumstances. I’m lucky in that I’m abroad so have a great excuse not to see her.

seaeagle I have reduced contact after the fiasco of her last visit. Usually I would phone or text or send photos periodically out of a feeling of obligation. But I haven’t actively contacted her now for several months. She’s tried to reel me in making reference to medical emergencies but I’ve replied to her texts without addressing the point. That makes me sound evil - like I don’t care about my poor sick mother. But I know it’s her way to compel me to get in touch when she knows she’s gone too far. We’re in uncharted waters now as I haven’t fallen for the bait to call and ask how she is this time.

My replies keep getting deleted, so I’ll continue here...

It may well be possible to stay in limited contact - NC seems so final. I have to protect my own children though. It was a real eye opener seeing how my 4 yo reacted when she was here. My DC was wide eyed and clearly understood she wasn’t normal and I don’t want that to happen again.

I’ve decided though that she won’t get any more photos of my children - she just wants to use them to make out she’s a doting DGM whereas actually she doesn’t genuinely care for them.

She’s tried to reel me in making reference to medical emergencies but I’ve replied to her texts without addressing the point. That makes me sound evil - like I don’t care about my poor sick mother. But I know it’s her way to compel me to get in touch when she knows she’s gone too far

Yes, I understand.

It may be that the best thing is to go NC -especially- if the children are picking up on it as even a 4 yo is (!)

The best way of handling LC is to emotionally detach and that's incredibly hard because you have the profound memories of love/vulnerability from childhood and I don't think we ever really fully detach from that. But if you can mostly handle it and think of her as an old woman that you choose to care for to some degree, that can help by giving you some mental distance and a sense of power.