Right I'm just going to be completely honest here about the mess that is my life. I can't be bothered lying anymore so I'm just going to state exactly what has been going on and I really don't need judgement. I get how fucked I am.
So I met a guy at the end of May online and we clicked, we had about four dates (we met many more times) and I then told him I loved him, he said he loved me too, had never felt this way about anyone before.
I really felt it but I have an alcohol problem, I am really struggling with my alcohol consumption, when I first met him I tried to break it off many times as I was aware that I was unable to have a healthy relationship, whenever I tried to break it off he would talk me round. He told me he would support me getting better etc.
This lasted a month, I was feeling really overwhelmed and felt like he was pulling away. I am so insecure so I put it down to that but I couldn't shake the feeling that he was pulling away, so I broke up with him. He gracefully accepted this.
I then panicked and changed my mind and he stated that just because I take it back doesn't change the way it made him feel. We met up a few times but things were awkward and since then it has gone way downhill.
I have made myself come across as so desperate and needy, basically begging him for answers and trying to get back. Today I messaged him asking him to block me, it took him hours but he finally did block me and it has destroyed me. When I told my friend he was like but you told him to? But I never expected him to.
I feel a little relieved to be honest but also heartbroken. I don't know what is wrong with me. I am totally aware this is unhealthy behaviour but I feel so obsessed with this guy.
He doesn't care about me, I know that, he is completely indifferent towards me and it hurts. All in all I have known this man for two months so this is a real over reaction and obviously I need to deal with my issues.
The question is, how do I get through the pain until then? I am in agony, I am dealing with depression and alcohol dependency. I feel like he's the best I'll ever do and that I'm pathetic. I'm very self aware and I am fully aware this isn't healthy and I am working on myself but I need help until then.
I can't get my head around the fact he blocked me, I keep thinking did he block me because I begged him to and that means he actually secretly cares. But I know of course he doesn't, he blocked me to get fucking peace.
I've never been in so much pain. I have had long term relationships and I have never felt as shit as this. I don't get it.