Can men change?

[TreacleToes79]

I know that we are constantly told that you can’t change a person but I’m wondering how true that is in practice? Or more specifically, do some men behave better for certain partners?

For example:

1. Imagine a scenario in which a man is with a passive partner who he doesn’t particularly love. He can be cruel, selfish and verbally aggressive with her. They split up and he meets someone else who is not passive. They clash a bit but she sticks up for herself and there appears to be a mutual respect there that perhaps he didn’t have with the first partner. Because he’s happier he’s less selfish, never cruel and has fewer outbursts. Is this a possible scenario?

1. Imagine a different relationship in which the guy is quite insecure at heart and makes his (more attractive) girlfriend feel like she’s on the back foot the whole time by trying to make her jealous and worried about his feelings for other women. She is far too concerned about pleasing his every whim and he takes full advantage of that. He then meets someone else who he’s really blown away by and stops all of these silly tactics because he knows the new girlfriend would walk away if he tried to make her jealous. Again, is this possible or would he never change like that?

Thanks for reading and for your thoughts on this.

So actually, your ex demeans and denigrates his wife in front of people (emotional abuse), and everyone just laughs along as if it's OK and thinks he's a great guy. And that's what he does in public.

I suppose there is a fine line between funny and abusive. Surely it depends on whether the person on the receiving end finds it amusing or not. She just laughs and rolls her eyes. She’s confident enough it herself to let it just wash over her.

Maybe she doesn't want to make a scene? It wears you down, that kind of drip drip shit. You shouldn't be envying her life.

Is he ever funny at his own expense?

Ive seen numbers one and two happen regularly.

She maybe embarrassed inside but she isn't going to admit that and you assume she is letting it wash over her. Like you let it wash over you? If you find it odd, then others possibly do but pass no comment.
If it reminds you of some if his past behaviour it's because he us still at it just in a slightly different format. And it is still a abusive and you do really need to educate yourself on how that works, what it can look like and why they do it.
He puts laughs at her expense in company cos it's a power trip. He knows she wont say anything or lash out.
Does she denigrate him in front of others?

She’s confident enough it herself to let it just wash over her.

Even the largest, toughest rock can eventually be washed to sand.

If men hate women then nothing you do or say will change that. They might not even know themselves that they hate women but they do and this will have come from something that has happened to them in life that can’t be undone unless they have extensive therapy to both understand this and make changes to address this. Until then they will remain women haters.

I think you're falling into the trap of thinking that mens behaviour is determined by how assertive women are and what they let them get away with. It may well be that she is even happier to put up with his abusive tendencies and games than you were and so they remain married, or maybe he just feels she was a better long term prospect and tries harder, who knows. I really wouldn't assume he had resolved his issues just based on the fact they have been together a while though- behind closed doors is usually a different matter and being 'close' to them as a couple really offers zero insight into what goes on between them alone.

He's under your skin OP because he has made you feel degraded and doubting your own assertivenesss. He behaved how he wanted to behave ultimately, for his own reasons, none of which are any commentary on you. I imagine you'd be best not socialising with this person- if you really want to spend your time still thinking about why he did 'x' to you not her and was it you or him etc. What is important is it's done with, you're lucky you didn't marry him. You shouldn't be comparing yourself to her or feeling it levels the playing field because he calls her derogatory names but didn't you. It isn't a competition. He sounds pathetic and isnt a prize. I wouldn't want to be friends with someone who had so clearly demonstrated they were unpleasant, or anyone calling their wife a bitch. There are plenty of normal people you can be friends with OP, who you aren't going to have the life sucked put of you by. It really sounds like a negative thing for you.

Men, like anybody else, do what they want to do. If women have to manage their behaviour 24/7 to get basic respect then it's hardly a desirable situation anyway is it.

As an aside your friend can surely also do better.

Does his wife call him a dick in public as well? If it is only one sided then don't assume she is happy. Some people stay in relationships for the children, for the lifestyle or because it's too hard to break up.

The first guy was abusive to his ex, being passive isn't an issue or a negative unless you're with someone who isn't behaving well. Can he change? Hmm unlikely, has he owned up to what he did and taken responsibility for it, accepted it was wrong etc? Some guys are also great for apologising for 'everything' while admitting nothing. If he hasn't ever admitted what he did wrong and shown some kind of personal growth since then then no I very much doubt he has changed.
I was with an emotionally abusive guy, he also emotionally abused his ex, we were very different personality wise, all he did was pick at different things and tweak the abuse for maximum effect for our weak spots.

Your ex was probably a very different situation as I assume he was quite young if you lost your virginity to each other, can those guys change? I think first relationships can often be very toxic and I would rarely judge a man for life based on his early relationship behaviour teens/very early 20s.