What if both partners are abusive?

[quirkycutekitch]

My ex is taking his ex to court for access to their child - I know she is saying she is abusive because CAFCAS have spoken to me to ask if i’ve ever had any concerns with our children - today he told me his ex is abusive.

My ex has issues (don’t we all) but I wouldn’t say he is abusive - I can’t get my head around it!

My ex has issues (don’t we all) but I wouldn’t say he is abusive

I think you might need to be a bit more honest with yourself about this bit.

I can only talk from experience of our relationship - obviously what happened in theirs I cannot comment on.

I'm not suggesting you think about his relationship with his ex - or even that you elaborate on here about your relationship with him.

But you need to be honest with yourself about the 'issues' he has that you "wouldn't say" are abusive. Because that's not the same as not being abusive.

And, more than that, when people say things like that quite often the 'issues' they are referring to are, in fact, quite abusive.

All you can do is tell the truth about what your relationship was like, if he wasn’t abusive towards you then tell them that. There is a chance she’s lying to stop him having contact, it does happen.

Yes it is telling that you are saying issues and wouldnt say he is abusive because that implies there is something there

She is being difficult when it comes to contact - and they had a very on/off relationship.

I think the difference with me is that I want a quiet life (and was too boring for him) and she was ‘exciting’

do you always go along with what he said and toe the party line because I suspect that could be the difference

I am generally laid back & easygoing

Oh do tell us more about these "issues" your partner experiences, which you are so "laid back and easy going" about (and which, presumably, ex was more 🤨 about).

Do tell. I'm on the edge of my seat here I'm really not, we all know how this story turns out.

My ex has issues (don’t we all) but I wouldn’t say he is abusive - I can’t get my head around it!

What are the issues? Sometimes when you're in an abusive relationship you don't realise and others can see better.

The fact is that both is saying the other is abusive I cannot say for sure if that is the truth or not.

Is it possible to be both abused and abuser in a relationship? Or is it just 2 people who are both not getting their own way & kicking off at each other?

I was just wondering if anybody had any experience of that.

I assume when you say abusive you mean mentally/emotionally abusive rather than physically?

My very limited experience on this is that both parties can be abusive because the relationship is toxic. Toxic relationships can make seemingly "normal" people behave in many different ways and therefore it could be considered abusive behaviour. Such as a person who feels their partner flirts too much with others may want to try control them to minimise this behaviour. Controlling another person is a form of abusive behaviour but the reason behind it may be seemingly justified to the controlling partner because they don't want to get hurt. The issue here is the relationship is incompatible as the morals and values of the individuals don't match and can then create a toxic environment. Hopefully that makes sense and it is just my thoughts on the matter.

As for your situation I would concentrate on what you can provide in your experience and not provide any more than that.

I think there can be relationships that can look abusive on both parts and the same person in the relationship can then be very different in a relationship with someone else but I would say that person is probably responding to the abuse rather than the actual abusive person.
My example comes from being in an abusive relationship and using different coping strategies (some of which I’m not proud of) but have never used in another relationship. It acts as a way for the abuser to blame the other person for their behaviour so is then almost encouraged by the abuser.
There are also volatile relationships which are different to abusive ones in my view.

More likely it sounds as if your ex is controlling and likes to get his own way and you roll with it so it’s pretty amicable.
She doesn’t so his controlling behaviour worsens so her response does. She feels controlled he feels he isn’t getting his own way and tries to tighten his grip and so on.
He is used to you going along with it so her not he sees as abusing him

Toxic relationship sounds about right - it makes me feel for a small child who has their relationship with their father & siblings compromised because of it.

I think you hit the nail on the head @Quartz2208