Should it always be the woman arranging a babysitter ?

[dumdumdiddleydoo]

I have twins of an age that need a babysitter if I go out, their dad is not on the scene having disappeared when I got pregnant two years into our relationship.

I’m now at the age where I’d like a relationship again (I’m 42) and for the last ten months have been online dating. Without fail, every man whether it’s a first date or the fifth, expects the date to fit in with their own work/childcare arrangements. The last two men have been lovely but wouldn’t dream of getting a sitter on one of the nights a week they have their children (50%) in order to fit in with a time when I have rare free time. It’s always a case of being told when they are free and I’m expected to fit in with that. If they aren’t free when I occasionally am, they don’t make any arrangements on their side to allow themselves to come out. It’s just a flat no which then makes me resent going to the effort and expense of always sorting a babysitter.

How do I ever get round this? I understand that I will need a sitter more than not but I just want the man to sometimes fit in with me.

Bump

That’s a tough one. I guess this means it’s self sorting? As in this issue is sorting out the riff raft for you naturally? The guy who is willing to accommodate you is the one to make an effort with. Dump the rest. See it as a quick sort method.

Isn’t the issue that they have their children for only a night or two a week, while yours live with you all the time? If I only saw my child two nights a week, I wouldn’t be going out and leaving them with a babysitter on those nights.

I wouldn't go out on a date on the nights I have my kids. They are here about 60-70% of the time. As they get older they choose to be at mine more.

Dates are something I used to do one my free evenings. Men had the choice, wait until we were both free, or not bother if it really didn't work for them.

Surely if your kids are with you all the time, you would need to arrange a babysitter any night.

There are times they have sleepovers or go to my aunties which leaves me free with advance notice. It feels miserable sat at home alone only to be expected to be available later in the week.

I think if they only have their kids a few nights a week it's good that they want to make the most of that time. I wouldn't want to be in a relationship with a man who didn't prioritise his children.

That said, I understand why it feels shit and I think the right man should make you feel valued and your time respected.

No.

I would have more respect for a man that put his children first rather than palm them off with a babysitter so he can go on a date .

Maybe you should date men who don’t have children or work commitments?

But surely you aren’t expecting them to alter their standing contact arrangements with their own children so they can go on a date? That would indicate a very skewed sense of priorities.

If you need someone to be available on nights you’re free, then you need to date men with no children. Or regular night-time commitments.

It sounds like the guys you've been dating have their kids 50% of the week, but you have yours 100% minus any time your kids spend with their aunty?

In which case I think it is inevitable that you will have to arramge sitters. It sucks, but you have very little give and them relatively more.

On the plus side, it is good they want to spend their 50% contact with their kids.

It would be unlikely I'd give up precious time with my 50/50 split DC to date someone... maybe once in a blue moon for an extremely important event planned well in advance. I dated with small DC and expected my dates to fit around time I had with dc. They came first after all.

You could always date men who dont have kids? That's what I did.

I think that if the NRP doesn't see the children as often they shouldn't be using a sitter. You can't change that but you can alter your behaviour and only be available when the children are with their dad or you could choose to date men without children. When I first started seeing dp I saw him on nights the girls weren't there. I wouldn't have dreamed of asking him to change his contact arrangements so we could go on a date. Admittedly it was fairly easy as him and his ex are flexible with each other.