Am I mad: still hoping to reconcile with DH after separation. Any positive stories?

[Benjibearsmum]

Hi all - feeling very down tonight. DH told me he was no longer happy in our marriage last August having had a shortlived EA at work which demonstrated to him that we are too different, I don’t really love him and we don’t have a future together. This came on the tails of taking on a huge amount of normal but overwhelming life stuff over the past few years, and not investing in our marriage (with dates nights etc) - like having four young kids, moving to the US for two years for his work (just got back), building a house, his job being incredibly demanding, me too focussed on the kids, taking each other for granted, could go on. We love each other and weirdly have the physical side in spades but for him the spark/connection has gone and after months of counselling (though I have to say the therapists in the US didnt “get” us) we just couldn’t get it back. Moved back to U.K. a month ago and have separated and told the kids. We are now co-parenting and everything is very civil but I don’t do the kiddie hand-overs as too painful. Communicate via text. We are both having our own separate counselling now. His main issue is that he has for all his life been a people pleaser and this has led to depression (not that he seems depressed but he finally put these two things together as a cause and effect the other day in a text). He is not seeing anyone else (I am certain of that) and said he just needs solitude to figure out who he really is and what he really wants and is working with our amazing therapist on this (she really is brilliant though we are not having joint counselling as it didn’t work before and ended up being too painful for me as the dial just never shifted). He says he’s barely seen anyone. He has this weekend however seen two sets of family friends from his school days with the kids (which is fair enough) and that really hurts, as they used to be good friends of mine too. Anyway he has not given me any hope at all, but the therapist has said that things could change as a) we are now separated which sometimes can jolt things and b) we are now back in the U.K., which again is a big change and could cause things to shift. My question is: have any of you been in a situation where your DH has left the marriage but without another partner in the wings, just a sense that he could be happier with someone else, and returned having realised he made a terrible mistake? He is 42 and having a deep midlife crisis of sorts. I am getting on with my life as best I can - but I guess am still clinging on to hope. Looking for positive stories. Thanks x

Are you both seeing the same therapist separately? If so and he/she knows that you're married to each other, then I'm quite suprised. It's a conflict of interest and the same therapist shouldn't see the both of you.

Reconciling depends on whether he wants to. Right now it sounds like he is figuring a few things out.

Do you think he's a people pleaser? Reflecting back on your marriage.

Him having an EA, is/was a sigh he disconnected from you on an emotional level.

Sorry you're finding this hard... I can hear the pain in your words.

Thanks. We saw her for one or two sessions together and he now has her and I am about to start seeing another lady. Yes - he is a huge people pleaser both with me (I didn’t know any better, I probably always got my way but he never spoke up) and everyone. Weirdly has really helped him at work and in life in general, everyone loves him - but eventually it has to go pop. I thought we had a great marriage on the whole, and a great sex life too. We fancy the pants off each other. But that wasn’t enough. And I’m getting on with life, trying to keep busy. But it hurts and I was hoping others might be able to relate...x

He doesn’t want to reconcile now but a while back told a friend “nothings definite”. I’m just wondering if things could change. We’re one month post separation.

I think you have to move on with your life.

This is too much like picking at a scab and hoping it will heal.

Maybe if he sees you going about your business and moving on with your life it might give him the jolt he needs to reconnect with you if that is what you want otherwise if you have been separated for nearly a year I can’t see nothing changing or him suddenly seeing the light.

Atm he knows if all else fails he has you as a back up.

Don’t be anyone’s back up plan

Until you move on. (I would be filing for divorce) you are just in a no mans land waiting for him to click his fingers and you will come running.

There might not be anyone else yet but is he having casual flings, ONSs instead

My husband and I separated for about two years (with intermittent attempts at reconciliation) about 10 years ago. It was tough and not at all easy to find our way back to each other once separation had taken place. I think separating teaches the person that leaves that walking out is a viable option when problems occur and that becomes the default response.
We did get back together eventually but neither us as individuals or the relationship are the same.

I honestly think you need to take a step back from thinking about him and wondering 'what if' because it's keeping you in the same place, you're emotionally trapped clinging on to the fact that he might come back to you.....but guess what? Even if he did you could then be consumed with 'what if he leaves again?' He may be a good person but you deserve to be happy too. You need to practise some self care, try and have some fun with friends, indulge in hobbies/interests etc. Stop contacting him except to discuss contact with the children and start living for yourself. One of two things will happen, either the distance between you will reignite his interest in you and you may reconcile or you will start to realise that you will be happy again in the future without him.

My ex dh left when I was pregnant with our son. We barely saw each other during the remainder of the pregnancy, as he stopped coming to visit the dc either. After our son was born, he realised that single life wasn’t what he wanted at all, and asked to come back.
We have it another try, but I couldn’t trust him that he wouldn’t just leave again. When our son was 7 months old I discovered he was having an EA and told him to leave. He moved country to be with the OW and hasn’t seen the dc now in almost a year.
I had doubts about us getting back together after our split, but thought I had to give us a chance or we’d never know. In hindsight, it was a mistake that confused the dc and destroyed my self-confidence.
In your shoes, I’d cut my losses and move on, but I 100% understand why you wouldn’t be ready to do that. Good luck x

Fair points but I literally don't contact him at all except for logistics (and even that I hate so keep to a minimum). And so I’m not sure he thinks or knows I’m sitting pining (which I am and I’m not if that makes sense). Am thinking about him but also a bit excited about my new life. And have been travelling by myself, starting a new business etc. Am also seeing a divorce lawyer beginning September. Not necessarily to file for divorce quite yet, but to get a settlement agreed. If he clocked his fingers I’m not sure at all I’d come running - I would fall down in shock and then make him really work to get me back as yes I’ve been terribly burnt.

Just wondering if anyone else out there like puppylucky has separated and then got back together? Realise this would take a lot of work and/or counselling but in some ways the fact that neither of us would be the same might be a good thing? X

Sorry, what a d!ck. I don’t get men (or women) who would put a lover before their kids. Glad you’ve been able to move on x

Whilst you don't think you are pining for him your thread title suggests something different.

Maybe he realises that you can't do drop offs because you find it too painful and are giving the impression that you would go back if he said he wanted to try again.

Maybe the fact you still find things to do with him so painful is because you haven't moved on

Why are you waiting till September till you see a divorce lawyer

I’m waiting till September due to lawyer being away and also being away/too busy myself. I just can’t travel into central London with four kids at home. They are back at school 2nd Sep so figured I would go that week. It would be much less stressful given childcare issues and I figured there is no mad rush.

I am still very much hoping to reconcile but I guess I feel that’s a bit different to pining. I am getting out there, trying to live life etc etc.

My therapist has advised me to not hide the fact I am sad (so he knows I don’t want to do drops offs as I find it too painful) - as in our case I have not allowed myself to be vulnerable with him in the past (due to my own shit) and she feels like he needs to see that side of me - and not just the hardened exterior. I dunno - who the f”ck knows though to be honest. I certainly am not being clingy and am barely in touch with him - just the minimum via text.

Anyone out there with any positive stories? X

Have a read of this and see if any of it applies to your DH. Age wise he falls into the demographic:
midlifeandthriving.com/2016/10/08/midlife-crisis-just-bottoming-u-curve-happiness/

Basically it says that if you hit your 40s and you find that you have no meaning in your life, despite having all the tokens of a successful life (partner, family, career, material thing) you reach the bottom of the curve in happiness.
Just thought it might be helpful in case it makes you think “it’s not you, it’s him”.
It does list out some ways to counter this feeling, but some people will be better equipped than others to hit those targets.

Thanks. Yes it does appply - spot on. And I don’t think it is me - it is mostly in his head as i am 100% sure we had a pretty decent marriage. So I am not blaming myself (though clearly I was not perfect). My issue is: will he come to his senses in time? Before everything is destroyed for good? Anyone been here? X

OP, I’m going to give you the female perspective here.

I was married to a great man, easy, lovely life with no money worries and DC. I fell in love with someone else, the person I fell in love with was nowhere near as wonderful as DH. That became clear with time. I don’t want the OM, but I also now feel that DH deserves more than me.

So although my DH and i still very good friends, spend time together, have a great relationship.. And he’d like us to get back together, I could never do that to him. I want him to find the love of his life and be happy without me.

I am broken and genuinely believe that I completely got what I deserved.

My focus now is the DC and my DH, I want them all to be happy and that’s my only aim.

Sorry, should’ve said, I wonder if your DH feels so guilty for his EA that he couldn’t never risk putting you through it again.

Yes we have. It's not great TBH. He has been unfaithful over the years and I have been a moody cow. We didn't share a bedroom for a number of years and sex was not particularly frequent, although happening. One Christmas he announced he was leaving, but backtracked after a month of being a complete tit. 6 months later I chucked him out. He lived with his parents for a month (staying at our house with the kids for a few days while I was on work trips) then got his own place.

He made it clear for two months that he wanted to try again, but I found his behaviour very strange. Grabby and needy and the total opposite to how he had behaved before he moved out. So I said no. However, whilst still trying to hoover me back he joined a load of dating sites. We had a massive row after yet another of his sorry-not-sorry attempts to explain himself about two months after he moved out. The following day he joined Tinder etc and lined up a harem of women. By the time my son (11) revealed this to me he had been on about 6 dates and was very much keen on one particular woman.

Maybe it was the jealousy that made me sleep with him again. Maybe it was love. Maybe it was fear. I don't know. But we started dating again about 4 months after I asked him to move out, and he moved back home 3 months after that. But it's a mess. I now have to meet his sexual needs (they're probably still not met, but the frequency is way better than it was) but my emotional needs are ignored. He's worse than he was before he left. If I try to talk he goes to instantly angry and storms off. He probably knows that I'm cracking up and totally losing it. He knows I'm suicidal now. I don't think he gives a shit. I don't think he wants to be here and has convinced himself that if he leaves, I'll hurt myself. I won't but I think he likes the roles we have created: him as the victim and me as the psycho.

Our relationship will never ever be the same. I liken it to that experience in Game of Thrones when Khalisi wants Drogo back and she gets a sort of zombie husband. That's what I have.

He says all I want to do is talk about myself all the time, so in the interests of 'me me me' I will say that I am in a worse position now than before he announced he was leaving 18 months ago because he 'deserved better'. From what I can tell, he went and experienced better women for a few months. My self esteem is shot to bits. His is through the roof.

I'm not sure this is what you really want OP.

So sorry to hear of your plight, to me it sounds as if you could give it another go and all be happy again. Could you get counselling? Together? He wants you back right? In my case, no: he is not worried about hurting me again, sadly. To him the EA helped him realise “we were not right” and he still feels that as far as I aware, even though he is single. He is hoping to find “the love of his life”. It’s all a fantasy.

That sounds horrific I’m so sorry. Can you not leave now? If you are suicidal? Sounds like you need to get the hell out. I do not want that but was hoping if he came to his senses (and yes did a lot of grovelling) we could have reconciliation therapy and work through the process and yes would never be the same again but would be matured different and maybe even find a deeper love. Anyone had that?

I would say, take this time to focus on you. Venture out, go on some dates. Use the opportunity to explore what else is out there. You may find you meet some interesting people.

If what you say is true, that you had a good marriage before this, then he has acquired a sense of disappointment with his life and built a narrative in his head to explain to himself why. Since you feature so large in his life it is natural to look to you for the blame. These narratives (and you see them when people have affairs quite often “I did it because you like beach holidays and I like city breaks” - desperate drivel like that), can actually be brought down quite quickly through reason and discussion that leads to a proper perspective, the trouble is when relinquishing the false narrative it has to be replaced with another one and many people are not equipped to do the emotional excavation required to come to a genuine understanding of themselves. It takes humility, intelligence and time.

I am a man and have been through this feeling and still do so. I should be happy with a lovely wife and child but I’m not and I can’t pinpoint why. I have felt like this for 7 years. I have been for counselling, I have been on medication for depression but the feeling never changes. I constantly have the “is this it” feeling about my life. I am successful at work, we have a nice life with lots of holidays and we are financially secure. I should be overjoyed with life but I’m not and I hate the feeling. I don’t think I would be any happier with anyone else though either. I feel unloveable and unable to love properly.

I’m so sorry that’s really awful. And I have to say, pretty identical to my husband who is very successful and well liked partly due to having been a people pleaser all these years - and eventually that has to go pop. He had it all but was and still is asking “is this it”. He is scared about finding someone new and describes it as the dark abyss of the unknown. And yet he loves me, fancies me, we have a lovely life and lovely kids - but he feels there is no “connection”. WTF? Has anyone out there navigated through this either as the person going through the MLC or the one left behind?

DH and I separated at my insistence we had endured our DD dying, his sisters appalling behaviour towards me and also me having a major illness. It was his sisters behaviour to me that broke me as he didn’t support me. He was scared of her as she is a bully like their Father. He eventually admitted she had been horrible to me and has given up wanting me to spend time with her. I have seen her at their Fathers funeral only in the last four years.

It took time, in all this I still loved him deep down. We are just both back to being nice to each other. It took months of us chatting to get back together and his Father dying made me realise I had never stopped loving him really. When it started to go wrong I suggested marriage guidance but he refused, I did hate him for that. Me leaving him was the rocket up his behind he needed.

I think we were very lucky to get back on track. His does sound just like a mid life crisis though which is different to what we went through. If someone treated me like this having admitted an emotional affair I think knowing myself my contempt for them would be so great I wouldn’t want them. I think most of these emotional affairs are literally people just getting bored.

I don’t really love him and we don’t have a future together
You say this but want to try to save your relationship.
WHY?????
Stop flogging this dead horse.
Move on with your life.
Co-parent as best you can.
BUT you don't love him. So let this go now.

My DP and I split for 3 years after an 8 year relationship and 2 DD’s.
It was a hostile breakup.. young, immature, heightened emotions and both stubborn as hell to see what was in the middle.
We battled out family court, standard EOW for him and split holidays.
I hated him for a long time. However, it was going through all of this that gave us both the push we needed. We both went for individual counselling (we communicated through other people for a year). Yet gradually over the 2 years I learnt to trust him again, communicate and genuinely enjoyed his company.
More time I spent with him, Sparks flew & I really battled with whether i wanted this man in my life again. 6 months of crying “but I love him” to my therapist made me closer to him. I really did love him and I forgot to see, I struggled with MH and kids and to be honest he was a bit of a dick at times. ALOT of people told me “don’t go back” bla bla ...

But we’re adults and are capable of making our own decisions.
We’ve been back together for almost 2 years. It’s HARD. Trying to not repeat old patterns, I love him in a very different, guarded almost kind of way. He’s all in, I’m one foot out even now.

Its your life & there will always be people telling you they think they know what’s best for you... but it’s your decision. No one else’s.

This last year has put massive strain on our relationship & there are days when I go to default of walking and being on my own again as I really did enjoy it.
Don’t go in to this thinking it will be the same as it wont. X