Hi everyone, feeling very down and anxious today. We are going on holiday tomorrow, husband, child and two other members of the family and I just feel nothing but dread and like I want to burst into tears.
For awhile I have just felt supremely lonely and empty. I had a very turbulent upbringing, which gradually improved, but I don't think I have ever recovered and I think it has sort of plagued my life and coloured all of my decisions.
I feel the only thing in my life to be proud of is my daughter, she is honestly amazing.... Other than that I'm empty. I have a few friends but no one that I can properly confide in.
Things were good with my husband in the beginning, but slowly deteriorated, not from anything drastic, but mainly because I'm weak and he is quite thoughtless, now it just feels as if we go through the motions.... He is very disinterested in family life in general and will seem to prioritise anything above it and if I question the status quo he basically shuts me down or will ignore me.
If I don't look to hard at things, then mostly my life seems fine, even with my husband day to day it's fine because I know to basically not rely on him for much and we mostly get along. But the holiday feels like some sort of pressure test to see how disinterested he really is and I'm trying to guess what way he will let me down to kind of prepare myself. I think hope is the killer honestly, I treat him nicely in the hope it will illicit a thoughtful response but it rarely does. He is honestly not as bad as I have made him sound... Maybe with someone else he could be great.
Not sure what I'm wanting from this thread, barring anything dramatic going on during the holiday I imagine things will continue as is, but I think I just wanted to let it out and say I feel worthless and lonely.