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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

How do i respond to my friend with her bad relationship?

26 replies

Hoursandminutes · 28/07/2019 16:38

Hi ladies I really need your help!

How can I react/what do i say to my friend who is in a really rubbish situation with her partner?
She always moans, makes comments and seems genuinely depressed about her relationship.
Her bf is very immature, he never makes any effort and won't give her commitment. He says he wants marriage and kids but won't make the step. She's given him ultimatums but that never works! He has cheated before (not on my friend) but I think he's bad news. There are loads of other things which are massive red flags.

What or how do i respond when she is moaning/upset about him and their relationship? how can i be a good friend? I have tried every angle ...sympathy, empathy, asked some tricky questions she probably doesn't want to consider.

I now have to psych myself up when I see her because it's like walking on eggshells!

OP posts:

Aquamarine1029 · 28/07/2019 16:43

This is just me, but I would be 100% honest with how I feel about her loser boyfriend and let the chips fall where they may. She's coming to you with all these problems and you should tell her the truth. Sometimes tough love is the best thing we can give people.

Original poster

Hoursandminutes · 28/07/2019 16:46

I sorta know that's the right thing to do. She is just so withdrawn i don't know if that would be too much for her.
She's the loveliest girl and not coping ...though she doesn't realise it and the problem is her boyfriend.
I can't stand him!
they moved in together i thought wow commitment....turns out he'd bought the house on his own and cannot afford the rent without her!

OP posts:

Aquamarine1029 · 28/07/2019 16:48

His mortgage issues are his problem. I'd be helping my friend pull her head out of her arse. Ask her where she wants to be and what she wants for her life in 5 years. Her boyfriend isn't going to give it to her.

Original poster

Hoursandminutes · 28/07/2019 17:01

Thank you, i totally agree!

I have asked her difficult questions like this and she just responds saying she'll give him more time and that he needs to work through his 'issues'. apparently he has issues on commitment which as we know is a load of s**t.
I suppose i need to be more honest with her and this is up to me to be brave about it.

OP posts:

Boysey45 · 28/07/2019 17:40

I'd just say it once really and I wouldn't want to be listening to boyfriend woes all the time.If she cant see it then perhaps she would be better off going for counselling of some type?
Some people end up in situations like this for years and you wont be able to rescue her she has to do it herself.Dont let her drag you down as well as herself.

Original poster

Hoursandminutes · 28/07/2019 18:10

Thanks,
it can be draining and i feel like a bad friend for thinking and saying it.
I am also frustrated that someone can stay in such a toxic , destructive relationship.

OP posts:

Daffodilsdaisy · 29/07/2019 01:10

how exhausting for you, you can't do anything anyway, as you say it's her relationship. Change the subject, change the place you meet, change the activity you do when you meet - go see a band instead ( noisy) Or just say ' good heavens Brenda, this is between you and Nigel to sort out, let's talk about summer recipes instead or I shall have to go home ' or whatever you normally talk about.

Alanis41 · 29/07/2019 04:09

@Hoursandminutes having been in your situation for years, just leave it and let her follow her own path. Absolutely pointless giving advice because those kinds of people (well most kinds) will always do what they think is best. The heart wants what it wants. My friend has been in a destructive relationship for over ten years, him being abusive, stealing, cheating but she always lines for him. I would advise her but she would just listen, then head off to see him. So I just am there to be a listening ear these days but just resigned to the fact that she will always do what she wants. Don't waste your breath too much. People need to make their own mistakes in life.

Original poster

Hoursandminutes · 29/07/2019 11:34

Changing the subject is a good idea.

OP posts:

Original poster

Hoursandminutes · 29/07/2019 11:37

I try not to get frustrated but I want to scream sometimes. He's such a loser and I don't understand what she sees in him. She wants marriage and kids but it would be a disaster with him. He'd do fuck all and then cheat on her.
He's a giant child/teenager. The problem seems to be that she dislikes him thoroughly BUT truly thinks she should stick it out to get the 'dream' of a family and commitment.

OP posts:

Alanis41 · 29/07/2019 11:47

@Hoursandminutes like I said before, pointless when people want what they want. Let her make her own mistakes. My friend is currently sleeping with a load of men to get over her abusive ex, who she will no doubt end up with. Pointless me saying try and be alone, just doesn't work. Just change the subject and let your friend do what she wants.

Original poster

Hoursandminutes · 29/07/2019 11:55

Alanis41 thanks!
I'm think she's lost the plot!

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Happynow001 · 29/07/2019 12:01

He says he wants marriage and kids but won't make the step. She's given him ultimatums but that never works!
He's just leading her on. She's given him various ultimatums but not followed through - he knows her threats are hollow.

they moved in together i thought wow commitment....turns out he'd bought the house on his own and cannot afford the rent without her!
Does she realise she's helping to pay down his mortgage and he can throw her out at any time? You say both "bought" and "rent" - I've assumed mortgage here.

I now have to psych myself up when I see her because it's like walking on eggshells!
You've tried empathy, sympathy, friendly support but it sounds as if this situation, which she's doing nothing constructive about, is now affecting you. Maybe now time for giving her the absolute truth as you see it - "tough love" I think another PP mentioned. And perhaps distance yourself a little bit - this sounds repetitive and exhausting for you.

As for "issues" - he doesn't really have any does he? He's got her living with him, helping pay HIS mortgage, paying towards bills also?, bet she's doing the majority of the housework and he gets to have sex with her also.

Sounds like he's got things how he wants them, really.

LemonTT · 29/07/2019 12:18

Honestly she is bringing you all her nuggets of negativity about him and asking you to hold them for her so she can concentrate on the good bits.

Like others say just push it back to her. With lines like, that’s between you two. Or but you love him and want to be with him so that’s your choice.

Don’t criticise her choice or decisions and don’t criticise his either. Don’t offer solutions or advice. Let he say she made a bad decision and let her ask for advice. Until she does, not your circus or monkeys.

Original poster

Hoursandminutes · 29/07/2019 16:04

Happynow001 completely right, he's leading her on.
She wanted to buy together but he bought on his own, without her knowing and she moved in so no real commitment.
Yeah and he has no issues. He's 41 and got it easy!

LemonTT yes am definitely going to take your advice on my responses.

Thanks for the help!

OP posts:

litterbird · 29/07/2019 16:33

I have been in the same position, best friend in an abusive relationship. She goes through the abuse cycle....hates him, moans about him, he is abusive to her, she leaves, he is sorry, she goes back....rinse and repeat. Its been going on for 2 years now and quite frankly after last weeks episode where she said she left him, came to my house to stay then 24 hours runs back into his arms I have just given up. When I speak to her now I do not ask about the relationship, if she mentions him I quickly interject now and say "no point in moaning now is there? You choose to stay with him when he is abusive"...she then realises what she says and moves the conversation on. I got fed up with getting angry and upset for her when she kept going on about the abuse and doing nothing about it. I have given her options to escape, helped her with financial planning if she leaves and promoted therapy for her as she seems to be addicted to him. Anyway I am waffling.....its infuriating being in your position, I know, so now I just let it go and leave her to her choices!

landscapingtrees · 29/07/2019 16:48

Another one saying tell her your honest thoughts once, then don't mention it again or get involved as its her life to decide. What you say will probably stick in her mind, to peruse at a later date, hopefully. If you keep mentioning it or getting involved, you could end up in the middle of a messy situation (with you as the bad guy). If she wants to engage with you in her stories about her boyfriend, change the subject, or just see less of her if she is still obsessed with all the nonsense... these things can go on for years.

Pinkout · 29/07/2019 16:59

He’s leading her on, he just sounds like a standard non-committal fuck boy. You can be honest and frank but expect it to be thrown back in your face, people don’t like to accept the truth.

QueenBeee · 29/07/2019 17:08

I would turn it round and empathise with him when she complains or looks for sympathy. Yeah, he's great, he owns his own house, he likes to live life to the full, he's young he's bound to want to play the field, why settle down at his age etc etc
Being honest isn't working this will test her and she might find a new friend to whinge to.

madeofstarlight · 29/07/2019 17:17

My usual tactic with things like this is to give my honest and frank opinion once. Sometimes people need to hear it from someone else to confirm their own worries/ feelings. Then if they don't do anything with the advice I pull back from the subject and don't give my opinion again.

AgentJohnson · 29/07/2019 18:40

Deep down she knows what to do, not doing it is a choice, her choice.

Original poster

Hoursandminutes · 29/07/2019 20:35

Yep, knowing by that she knows it's crap makes it even more infuriating

OP posts:

Original poster

Hoursandminutes · 29/07/2019 20:36

Also I can't and don't understand how someone can take so much shit in a relationship and put up with it. Surely being single is way way more appealing

OP posts:

litterbird · 29/07/2019 21:08

My friend won’t leave as she is terrified of being single, you may find it’s fear of being alone that is stopping her leaving. It’s very common.

AgentJohnson · 30/07/2019 06:57

I would make her aware that you love and will support her but the constant complaining about a situation she has the power to end is difficult to hear. For the sake of your friendship and her MH, she needs to find a qualified therapist.

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