What is wrong with me?

[crappyday2018]

Quick back story. Split from 17 year relationship over 2 years ago with 2DC. Been through some tough times with ex but things looking up for me now. I've dabbled in OLD because I do feel lonely at times when kids are with ex, and I see others doing stuff with partners at weekends and it can make me sad. Although I feel guilt about that for the kids (no idea why).
I had an 8 month relationship last year that ended when I found out he was an alcoholic. I think I was in a vulnerable place at the time so he love bombed me etc (you know the drill).
Dabbled in OLD again a few months ago and got a few dates but I always think I like someone and then after a while I get this sad, sinking feeling and realise I don't like them after all.
I'm starting to think its me. I seem to carry some weird guilt around all the time. I've been seeing a lovely guy for 2 months and I loved that he was the opposite to the other idiots I had talked to/met on OLD. He is a gentleman, gentle, respectful and everything I thought I would want. He's done nothing wrong at all so far.
Just had a weekend with him and I'm getting that guilt feeling again and not sure if he's for me. I want him to be.
Part of me wants that feeling I got with my ex. But I was in my early 20s back then and he ended up being a total a-hole so no idea why I'm comparing.
Not sure what I'm even asking here. I just feel the guilt that I may have to let this guy down and I hate hurting people. But then I just don't know what I actually want.... Am I better on my own I wonder?
Do I give this guy more of a chance as its still very early days?

If he isn't right for you he isn't right for you. Is it fair to stay with someone you are just not that into, just for the sake of company? No. Not fair on him or on you.

I think two months is long enough to know if you are into him enough, or not. Maybe give it another week of thought to be sure it isn't a fleeting feeling and if you still can't see yourself staying longterm with him, call it off.

You don't have to feel guilty about it. Sometimes things are OK and that's nice...but it still isn't just right.

Perhaps taking some time single would be a good thing. Maybe focus on hobbies and making friends rather than partners. Sometimes we feel lonely and seek out partners when the real issue is either that we are not happy in ourselves or, that we just don't have good mates to call on. Maybe those areas could do with more focus.

There's nothing wrong with you. It's natural to want a past feeling, because we find comfort in what we already know. That will change in time, a new feeling will replace the old.

Thanks for the reply. I know its not fair at all so if/when I'm sure I will call it off. I couldn't stay with someone just for company.
I think my confusion is that one minute I'm happy with him and sure I'm keen on him, then I'm questioning it. He went quiet on me the other week and I was quite gutted about it.
I'm just not sure I'll ever get exactly what I would like in a man anymore, and not at my age. I wonder if I'm looking for the impossible.
I did have a fair bit of single time and I have a reasonably good social life.
I'm supposed to be going away for the day with him later this week so I'll do that and then see how I feel. If I feel the same, I'll tell him.

You sound like you are looking for something and you don't know what it is. Do you feel a bit like someone with a lock shaped hole who is looking for the person with the right key?
You can lose yourself when you survive an abusive relationship. Before you look for fulfillment in other people, have you had counselling?

@NoBaggyPants thank you, you're right. With my past relationships (2 long term), I was crazy about them right from the start but they were not good relationships.
I'm looking for that same 'crazy about you' feeling but with someone who is actually a nice, genuine guy. I'm worried I can't seem to have both.

@TheInebriati yes I had a bit of counselling but we probably didn't really cover future relationships. We talked about my guilt about ending my relationship and a bit about the bad one I had last year.
Yes I do feel I'm looking for something and I dont' know what it is. I think I've found it, and then it doesn't feel right.

Two years isn't actually that long in the context of your 17 year relationship. It sounds like you're not ready to date yet, and that's fine. Maybe come off OLD for a few months and then give it another go?

@pineapplefish do you think? I thought I was ready now. But maybe not. I think I'm scared I'm getting older and I won't meet anyone (which I know is daft).

I'm a bit like that. I like the initial dating, getting to know someone but then after a while it starts to become a bit stale & boring. I like my own space & creatures comforts & dont think I could ever live with someone again (twice divorced- both marriages 10 years long). But I miss intimacy. I have tried different websites that might cater for me, but I want more than just a fwb of f**buddy.

@hadthesnip2 yes that is kind of how I feel. If I;m being honest, I don't like the idea of living with someone and I don't want to put my kids through that either. I'm just in a place now where I;m buying my own place for me and the kids. I like the idea of having someone (and the intimacy) but I'm not sure I want to share my life with someone.
But then, cos I'm so confused, maybe that's only cos I've not met the right person yet!