My girlfriend and I have been together for about 6 months. I’m 39 with two kids from a previous relationship (7 and 2) and she is 32 with one kid from a previous relationship (2).
My girlfriend is British but was married to a Chinese man and lived in China. He started abusing her after their child was born, which was all documented, and friends and family, including a solicitor, managed to get her and her child out of China and back to the UK last year without him knowing. She has since been in hiding but has a lot of guilt around separating her child from her husband. She tried to keep them in contact via video calls but the husband called less and less and the calls are now months apart.
She started to move on with her life. She started dating again and we’ve been together since just after Christmas. She bought a small house last month and got a new job starting in September. Last week, she bought a new car and arranged to meet a solicitor to finalise the divorce. Just a couple of days ago, we had been discussing a short holiday next month for both us and our children.
Last week, she had a message from her ex-husband saying that he would be in the UK this weekend and wanted to see his daughter as he had not seen her for over a year. She agreed and arranged to meet him in a neighbouring city this Saturday and Sunday. I was worried about this and offered to stay nearby, but she said she would stay in public places and that his brother would also be there so nothing could happen. She had also told him that she was in another relationship so there was no chance of them getting back together, and he was apparently fine with this.
On Friday, she was really worried and said a few times, half-jokingly, that she may end up dead or not coming back. She didn’t really want to see him and hoped that, if all went well, she would just be able to leave her child with him for a few hours during future visits. We arranged to meet back at her house at 6pm on the Saturday.
On the Saturday morning (yesterday), she sent me a kiss emoji before she headed out. Just before 6pm, I had a text message saying that our relationship was over and she was getting back with her ex-husband. She said that she had always wanted to stay with him, that they were now a family at last, and it all felt so right. She also said that the friends and family who help her to leave China were wrong in doing so. She even offered to pay me money to compensate me for things I’d done for her during our time together. It was all very out-of-character. When I went to her house at 6pm, she wasn’t there and she refused to answer my calls. I went to her Dad’s house who didn’t even know she was meeting up with her ex-husband and so he called the police. They traced her to a hotel in the neighbouring city and managed to talk to her on the phone. From their conversation, they said they were not convinced she was not being controlled and so they collected her from the hotel and brought her back home.
We had a very long conversation into the night (last night). She explained that her ex-husband had been attending therapy and wanted her back. He had been very apologetic, crying and very upset about not seeing his daughter and she said she felt very sorry for him and felt the only way she could make him feel better was by getting back together with him, particularly so that their child could know him better. There had been no real discussion over the practicality of this as she was adamant she would not move back to China and he is very unlikely to move to the UK, but he had suggested that they have a long-distance relationship with video calls, phone calls and occasional visits over an initial period of about a year or so. She said that she felt she had to make the decision quickly, so that is why she sent me a text message ending our relationship. She also explained that we could not even keep in contact as that would upset her ex-husband, and that she really did not want to break up with me but felt that she had no other choice if she was going to try and make her marriage work as he wanted. She also said that, what she really wanted, was for him to find someone else which would mean there would no longer be any pressure on her to stay with him so that she could get on with her own life.
I told her that it was all very emotional and that she’s probably not thinking straight and to maybe to make the decision in a week or so. We arranged to meet next weekend to see whether she wanted to stay with me or him. She agreed, but was conflicted over whether to see me in the meantime or not, as she wanted to but felt that if she did then this would upset her ex-husband. She did say that she would send me a few messages though. She also said that I could stay over that night, in a separate room, but hinted that she could be in trouble today if that happened and so I left.
She saw him again this morning as planned, I had nothing until a message an hour or so ago saying that he’s gone and she doesn’t know what to do. They had spent the whole morning in his hotel room.
Obviously I’m biased, but I think there’s a risk that my girlfriend could be dragged back into some kind of relationship with her ex-husband, even if it is long-distance, through emotional blackmail or manipulation. She’s normally such a strong-willed person, but with him around she doesn’t seem to be able to object and is almost resigned to ignoring her own upset and unhappiness just to make sure he’s happy and gets what he wants. It’s not just me, her Dad is furious and the rest of her family will be very angry when they find out. She apparently even openly told the police that he had been violent towards her when they picked her up, but refused their help when they said they could go talk to him.
It also puts our relationship in a difficult position, if she decides to stay with me. I’m not sure I could cope with her constantly dismissing our relationship or offering me money to go away the minute he video-calls or turns up just because she feels sorry for him. The other issue is whether I’m am putting her at risk just by being around, as if he finds out then he could take it out on her. Then there’s our children, as I’m not sure I want to expose my two to something this volatile. I should also say that she has been to the local Women’s Aid office in the past, but didn’t find them useful and so probably won’t go again.
So what are her and my options in all of this? If she ultimately decides to get back with her ex-husband, then it’s pretty much all over for us. But should I try and find her some help or support in the meantime? Should I get her to talk with her family? Should I try and convince her to stay with me or will that just turn her against me? Should I just walk away in order to keep her safe (and my children out of it), so that she has no boyfriend that her ex-husband will worry about? Any other suggestions?