How do you get over the pain of an affair?

[NeedtoRecover]

Dh confessed to an affair nearly 2 years ago. We’ve tried to make our marriage work since then but ultimately I don’t feel I can ever trust him again and so we’re in the process of divorcing.

Over the two years, we’ve seen counsellors together, I’ve had individual counselling, I’m currently seeing a divorce coach (recommended by my lawyer) and I have fabulous supportive friends.

But it’s still hurts so much. I can’t seem to let go of the hurt despite positive thinking/mindfulness/cbt techniques etc. It’s always there and just as I think I’m recovering something will trigger me and I feel back at the beginning. I feel so bitter that my marriage is ending and that the children’s lives will be changing. I’m trying not to be a victim and some days I truly am feeling positive about the future.

So, does anyone have any words of wisdom? He just expects me to let it go. How? I really don’t know to let it go.

Have you visited the Surviving Infidelity website Lots of people in the same boat, very supportive and lots of information?

I wish I knew the answer because I'm also struggling with the after-effects of a serious betrayal. I don't expect ever to be free of the pain - genuinely, not ever - I just hope I can replace it with other, more pleasant things to focus on. One day I hope it will simply be a long time ago and have paled in the wake of whatever has come since. I hope someone has some good advice.

Thanks both. wiz I haven’t visited that website for a while so will do and see if there’s any help.
cranky that’s kind of how I feel. But it’s eating me up inside. I’ve read so much about forgiveness and how it sets you free etc etc but I just can’t seem to actually do it.

I don’t want to be in pain. Maybe I just need to accept that this is how it is for now?

It fades to some extent, but I don't believe it ever goes away. It's been 18 years since I found out that my ex had been having a 3 year affair. We've been divorced for 15 years, I've remarried, but any time that I think of it ( like now !) my blood just boils again . All the lies, the selfishness, the utter disregard for our children and for me .....oh yes it all comes flooding back. How to let it go ? I wish I knew, OP. I wish you luck.

I think we are all different, some people find things easier to let go. It's up to you to decide if you can let it go and move on, not the person who caused this pain.

I’ve read so much about forgiveness and how it sets you free etc etc but I just can’t seem to actually do it.

I read somewhere that forgiveness comes to you like a gift; like love you can't create it when it isn't there, and when it is there it's yours to keep and no-one can deny it. I don't think you (we) can make ourselves forgive, not matter how hard we try, but perhaps one day - if we keep being open to it and do what we can to work towards it - one day it will just come to us, and with it perhaps some peace.

I think his attitude of just let it go can't have helped.

That sounds like a total lack of remorse.

The one good thing is him confessing, rather than being caught...unless of course his hand was forced in some way.

cranky that’s interesting about forgiveness as I often feel like there’s something wrong with me for not being able to forgive. I would dearly like to find peace.

sandy he’s been and continues to be very remorseful but he feels that I need to stop with the blaming and recriminations.

Do you need to forgive him? Is that an essential part of the process? I don’t know the answer by the way but if forgiveness is an essential component to you moving on then you should do it as a kindness to yourself rather than letting him off the hook... if that makes sense.

I don’t need to forgive him necessarily. But I do need to let go of the hurt/pain. Everything I’ve read seems to suggest that forgiveness is the way to do it.

I just wish he had never done it. I would never have believed he could hurt me like that,