Hey, long time lurker here. This is so long, I apologise. Just really need to hear other peoples perspectives about this.
I have 2 DC (10&9).
Split from their DF 7 years ago due to horrendous domestic abuse. Mental, emotional, financial, never physical but would smash the house up when he didn't get his own way.
Since then he has just dipped in and out of their lives as and when he pleases. Consistent to him, is once every 3 months. Never, ever paid maintenance, not even once. He's one of those types that drop his DC when hes in a new relationship or will cancel arrangements when hes had a better offer (usually going on the piss). Managed to turn his family against me with his utter lies about me stopping contact which just for the record, has never happened. He didn't have contact with them because of the above. His family dont see them anymore because I'm the evil cow in all of this. They just send birthday and Christmas cards. He entered into a serious relationship about 3 years ago, so of course, DC were dropped. She must of been asking him awkward questions about why he doesn't see his DC. So as with every girlfriend, he spun her the old "she doesn't let me see my kids" line. Used to annoy me greatly but over the years I've learnt not to give a damn about what bullshit these people are fed. Hes a narc so I learnt to accept that this is just the way it will be now. Turned up with her at my house once screaming "let me see my kids" just so his lie was believable to her. I was granted a non molestation order after this as only a few days before he had been outside my DC school at drop off calling me a slag and such and I'd had enough of the harassment. A few weeks prior to this he was following me from work doing the same. This was all due to me doing the grey rock method, it really pissed him off. He would get in touch under the pretence of wanting to make visiting arrangements but then would quickly turn the conversation into a me me me session about how great his life was , how hes doing so much better than me, what amazing plans he had for the next month etc etc. Despite me politely reminding him his life is not my concern now, my only concern is contact. It was never about seeing the DC, it was about his ego and his desperate need to ram his perfectness down my throat. Always asking me personal questions about my life which is none of his business. Hence the grey rock method.
The non-mol was granted 3 years ago, valid for 1 year. Did not hear from him. No birthday/Christmas cards for DC sent. Just to be clear the non mol ordered he make no contact me. Not the DC. Judge arranged a date for him to go in to family court to arrange contact. He didn't turn up. Have heard nothing from him. Had a call from SS last sept asking if he was having contact with DC as they'd received a call from mental health team. I said no. They said if he does get in touch you need to direct him to us so we can have a chat and assess him.
He turned up at my door unannounced a few days ago asking for contact with DC. Told him to speak to SS. He did. They told him no case open. I rang them, thought he may be lying. Nope. Case closed.
My concern now is that my DC haven't coped with this very well over the last few years. Upset at home and school. My DC are actually booked in September to start counselling about the NC with father.
I have found out he is in a new long term relationship and I feel this is just an attempt for him to act the doting dad in front of her and then drop them like a hot potato again claiming "she doesn't let me see my kids, look i tried, oh shes really mean to me". I dont trust him as far as I can throw him.
Told him i will speak with DC about it. I haven't said anything to them yet as it's such a horrendously touchy subject, I dont want to upset them. I certainly dont want them to be picked up and dropped again otherwise it's going to cause yet more emotional damage to them.
Hes messaged asking if I've asked them. Reluctantly, I expressed my concerns about him coming back into their life with his track record. Said about the counselling and how upset they have been. Of course, being a narc the responses are "I dont care, just ask the DC, I want no contact with you, i don't care about the past, stop bringing the past up"
I've had a baby in this time and am in a long term relationship. Hes always said if I ever had a baby with anyone he'd never see DC again. Controlling narc bastard.
He fails to recognise the implications of his behaviour on the children, which concerns me with regard to him wanting contact now.
I really just dont have a fucking clue what to do, where to start. I suggested mediation to him as I am not just handing over my DC to this horrendous twat and just hoping for the best. Their heads are gonna be all over the place. But on the other hand I dont want my children to hate me when their older if I block contact. Hes told me many times over the years how hes going to make sure the DC know what an evil bitch I am and make sure they hate me and so far hes done a good job of making his family and friends hate me so who's to say he wont be successful. I'd like to think my children wouldn't think this as we have a great relationship. I have done everything for them on my own with no help from him. But narcs have a way with this type of thing. Turning people against you.
Hes still sending messages now, I'm not even reading them. Hes relentless until he gets what he wants. But I'm not giving him what he wants on a platter anymore.
Wtf do I do ??