How do I find out if my husband is having an affair?

[Unpoquitititoloco]

Lots of difficulties in marriage at the moment - started another thread about it. DH v depressed and talking about leaving. Doesn't seem to be willing to do ANYTHING to work on marriage and is completely emotionally absent. On his phone a lot but denies any sort of connection with anyone else. The more I think about it the more I think things do not seem to add up. He never leaves phone alone. Do I ask him if I can look at it or do I sneak a look?

ask him outright in a calm moment, catch him off guard and see if he squirms/looks flustered/lies or looks genuinely concerned that you think that. Then ask to look at his phone to reassure yourself. That'll tell you

I've asked him. He doesn't look flustered

If you ask to look and he won't let you I think you have your answer that something is up. He may initially flare up when you ask, storm out, then when he returns (having deleted anything incriminating) he will let you look. If he has nothing to hide he would have no problem handing his phone over

I'll get slaughtered for saying this but I'd check his phone. If divorce is possibly on cards as he's talking about it but not talking about any resolutions there's not much you can lose by checking for your peace of mind

Couple of things. Does he have an iPad, if so check messages on that, a lot of people delete off one device and forget the other. Check battery use on phone and see if there is a lot of use of a messaging app, if there is click on it and you can usually see most messaged. I'm sorry but I think you have very right to get to the bottom of this. Those saying just ask, really? Most people caught out just lie.

Why does it matter? The relationship is over anyway. Put your efforts into splitting up well instead.

Why is the relationship over?

You wrote
DH v depressed and talking about leaving. Doesn't seem to be willing to do ANYTHING to work on marriage and is completely emotionally absent.

He doesn't want to work on rescuing the marriage. He has said he wants to leave. That's a relationship that's over bar the practicalities of splitting.

Ok. Thanks for your help

I wouldn't be able to resist looking at his phone. I think you'll find the answers are there.

Such a horrible situation to be in. If you know for certain then you're in a position of greater strength - that's all you can hope for.

Look at his phone. I would airways look. I know on mumsnet it's not the thing to do but I'm sure must people in real life would look!
Great advice above to look at the battery usage to see what apps they are using.
This is your marriage it's important to know the truth.
If you find anything (hopefully you won't) take pictures and numbers/names with your own phone so you have evidence.
Good luck hopefully it's not an affair.
Also good luck as it sounds like you have problems anyway

*always

I would just check his phone. His reaction to asking him won't actually prove anything. Like other posters have said though, it doesn't sound like the marriage has a future anyway so not sure why you need to find this out. Is it so you have something to blame?

I think the best way to find anything incriminating is to check his phone without him knowing. If you ask and he says no then what would be your next step? So many people on here have said on previous threads that if their partner asked to check their phone they would kick off and say no.

Will it make any difference to what you do if you do look and find he’s had / having an affair? Would that stop you attempting to save the marriage?

If it wouldn’t make any difference to you then I’d say leave it alone - ignorance is probably bliss in that circumstance.

And if he’s not having an affair and you force him to hand the phone over, or go through it when he’s asleep etc, then any chance of reconciliation will be blown away.

IMO you have no “right” to look at his phone, hack his social media or read his diary. All would be very controlling and a massive breach of his privacy, particularly as he’s looking to separate from you. Nobody, of either gender, has to have a reason to end a relationship, nor to necessarily share reasons with their stbxP.

It’s pretty normal behaviour for someone suffering from depression to be fair. Anyone really depressed has a daily struggle just to get out of bed and do the bare necessities and no way could cope with all the extra stress with having an affair