Is there a name for this?

[rightteous]

for being attracted to and attached to domineering/bullying/strong character types? My mother is a bully and always has to get her own way. My husband is verbally vicious if he doesn’t get his own way and my best friend is very strong/domineering too. I always seem to be the pacifier. The one expected to give way. I’m unable to express and get what I want/need. The moment I’m not “jolly hockey sticks” then I’m mentally ill or fragile or unreasonable or difficult. Does anyone have any advice or tips for increasing self esteem/negotiating tactics with people like this. I honestly feel worn out and I’m left living a life I don’t enjoy, having to constantly bend/deal/compromise without ever being able to say no or stand up for myself. I’m having weekly counselling which is helping but I wondered if there is a term/condition for people like me who are always living under the shadow of domineering personality types. Thanks

You are drawn to this type because it's what you are familiar with, from childhood. It's the dynamic you are comfortable in - indeed, trained by your own mother to endure - and there is likely an element of caring to it. As a result of your childhood training, you are attracted to those you can find a "role" for yourself with, i.e. a caring role.

Abusers will also recognise this in you and will target you specifically but, once you see the pattern, you can begin to break the cycle.

Google "parentification", also known as covert incest (it's not sexual, its emotional).

'Co-dependency' I suppose. Not that everyone codependent is attracted to these types, but they tend to tolerate it and excuse what others who have more healthy boundaries,wouldn't. Plus nasty sorts are therefore very attracted to them.

@PicsInRed is correct. Here's something about the "Drama Triangle":

Therapy can help you, if you're ready to commit to it.

Are you simply an introvert attracted to extroverts? Does my head in when people refer to anything remotely introverted as a mental illness or Asperger's.

Or perhaps you're a masochist? You like to be tortured.

Or maybe you're a martyr? You feel that you can 'fix' these people by being the positive person in their lives, no matter how awfully they treat you. One day you believe your positivity will pay off and you will be valued. (you are probably wrong).

I'll add a strong caveat to this video. If people aren't willing or able to change, then step away. Stop. Get out. The last thing you want to do is to perpetuate a relationship where you're forever trying to assume a healthier role, and the other people aren't. In that case, the healthiest role is simply not to be there anymore.

Thanks for the advice. I think the poster who suggested introvert hit a nerve so I’m going to do more reading around that. Thanks everyone

The drama triangle is also really relevant. My mother is always a rescuer and constantly jumps into other families personal tragedies/dramas in the role of rescuer. She struggles to have a normal relationship with peers unless she is a rescuer.

And where are you in the triangle, @rightteous?

That’s something I’m going to talk to my counsellor about this week

It's so easy to focus on other people - which takes away the task of dealing with yourself. I know this all too well from personal experience. Best of luck with the counselling.