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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

I need some help please

10 replies

blondel0216 · 28/07/2019 08:11

My husband of 17 years (been together 21 years) has always had a troubled personality. He was always prone to heavy drinking sessions (at home usually) with drug taking (weed) throughout our time together.
He had a very difficult childhood and they were and always have been his crutch.
Throughout our relationship there have been dozens of violent and and abusive outbursts - although he's never struck me he has destroyed the house on many occasions and verbally abused me often! Always post alcohol!!
The rest of the time though he is lovely,kind, generous, a good dad to our son (now 17) and daughter (26) who both still live at home! He has built a hugely successful business and we live in a beautiful house, I have lovely things and want for nothing materially!
However..... and it's a big one! He has started taking harder drugs occasionally a couple of years ago, the drinking is getting worse, he is on marijuana most of the time to calm him (his words) and I'm finding it very difficult to live with him. At 17 our son is affected by him now although I know in the past he has witnessed some awful events, he is verbally showing his anger at his dad which in turn is making the situation worse.
He came home late again last night as happens about every 2-3 months asking to leave me (again). He had been taking drugs and watching online porn all day at his office.
We've been here so so many times and I'm tired of hanging on in there for the sake of my family.
Ultimately I adore the man for the good man inside is tortured and I know I have helped him and he does love me (he says). I'm broken again today as feel I simply cannot go on!
Words or help needed. Please?!

OP posts:
alpcaca678 · 28/07/2019 08:21

I would say you need to try and get out of the relationship if you haven't already tried speaking to him about the situation. Make him aware of how you feel and give him help first because it is clearly and issue for him but if he is aggressive or not understanding of how he is making you feel then you need to get out of the relationship for the sake of your children aswell

blondel0216 · 28/07/2019 08:39

I've tried and tried and he refuses counselling or help. He says he needs to be apart from us to save us from him! Very sad

OP posts:
SeaSidePebbles · 28/07/2019 08:41

Well, he can go, help him pack his bags.
Or, he takes himself to aa, saa and counselling and stops being an arsehole.
His choice.

alpcaca678 · 28/07/2019 09:02

Yes that is very sad and if he is refusing I would say you need to try to get out of the relationship as soon as possible

GertrudeCB · 28/07/2019 09:04

Then let him go.

GreenTulips · 28/07/2019 09:07

he is verbally showing his anger at his dad which in turn is making the situation worse

You have for far too long been the peace keeper, treading on eggshells - and if the grown ups won’t change the situation then you son is trying too.

You need to leave with the kids

IamtheOA · 28/07/2019 09:15

. He says he needs to be apart from us to save us from him!

Either he's serious - in which case, go

Or, he's being manipulative, and gunning for your reactionary/ sympathy response.
My best are on the latter.

You've given him over two decades, waiting for him to shed his coping mechanism, and reveal his better version. It hasn't happened, it's getting worse, and he doesn't want to change.

What WILL change is that you'll learn to accept even less from him. And you and the kids will have to give more.

Is this how you envisioned your life?

GreenTulips · 28/07/2019 09:19

Or the kids will leave and won’t come back

They’ll never forgive you

Go while you have their support

blondel0216 · 28/07/2019 10:04

Thank you, I've literally no one to talk to as I haven't wanted to cause any rift between him and my family so nobody knows what has been going on except us!
Your words are all sensible and I guess I just need a push because everything you're all saying is what I am thinking but haven't got her strength to verbalise!

OP posts:
Seeleyboo · 28/07/2019 11:00

OP please leave. This mirrors me a long time ago. I broke ties in the end to save my kids and my mental state. Lost everything in the meantime though. House, cars, holidays and the business all went so be prepared. But I still had my kids and I still do. They're now very successful adults and I have made a wonderful life for myself. My ex threatened to kill himself many times and that's why I stayed but in the end I thought. If you're going to do it I can't stop you. He didn't kill himself and sadly he's made many more womans lives shit. Leave. Get some peace.

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