I can't stop thinking about being with a woman

[CaughtInHisTrap]

I don't really know what I'm expecting from this thread, I just need to get it out. I'm in a long term relationship with a man and we have a young son. It isn't a happy relationship and I am so unhappy. He has issues with depression and I have lived for years having to walk on eggshells to avoid his moods where he suddenly snaps and becomes so mean and nasty to me. I don't feel I can leave as he doesn't have anyone else at all (friends or family). I also have my own issues with horrible social anxiety which makes it even more difficult and makes it easy for him to tell me I'm not allowed to do certain things.

Sorry, that's a bit off track but is the background. This last few months I've been having feelings for my sons preschool teacher. She is beautiful, kind, sweet...anyway it's just a crush and there haven't been any moments between us and I don't know anything about her personally.
The problem is, it's getting harder and harder for me to ignore my feelings and I don't know what to do. I've had little crushes on women before but seeing this teacher everyday and her warm smile as she opens the door has made it difficult to shake it off. I'm not saying I should do anything about this crush (as I said I don't know anything about her life) but the feelings in general of being in an unhappy relationship with a man when I want so badly find love with a woman, I'm just finding it difficult to stop thinking this way and I don't know what to do. I feel so guilty.

I'm so sorry for the length of my post. I have so many jumbled up feelings, that's not half of it

End your relationship, it's over anyway.
You are not responsible for your partner's lack of friends or family.
Being so unhappy is no way to spend your life and no example to set to your child.
But don't pursue another person, male or female, until you are free to do so.

So I guess the first question is
Why do you feel you are you trapped with this man forever? Is it financial?

Don't apologise for taking up a little bit of space here

If you are walking on eggshells, would you consider taking The Freedom Program? Escaping in real life is so much more satisfying than doing it in your head.
You might find that if you had more people in your life who treat you like you are a human, your feelings wouldn't be so mixed up.

I think the first thing to do is get rid of the unhappy relationship you're now in. It doesn't matter who it's with, what matters is that you are unhappy in it. You can leave. His lack of other social contact is not your responsibility or your problem, to put it bluntly. You're not his security blanket, you are a whole person, and if you are not happy then the relationship isn't working. It is okay to leave.

After that, think about what you want to do. Spend some time single and working out who you are when you're not on eggshells. Spend some time with women in women only space. Spend some time dating men if you want to. Give yourself permission never to date men again if that is what you want. Let yourself recover before you get into any sort of relationship with anyone.

Good luck.

Thank you for the quick replies!
I don't know if I can live with the guilt of leaving him. I wouldn't know how/what to say to him. I moved to the other side of the country to be with him and I have no friends and hardly ever leave the house. Because of the social anxiety and not being able to leave the house I don't have a job (I've never had one as I stopped leaving the house during secondary school and barely scraped through school), I don't know the first thing about supporting myself financially so with a child I don't know if I can risk it.
I don't know anything about the freedom programme so I will look that up, thank you it's still the guilt that will probably be the biggest hurdle though and I don't think I can overcome that.
I really do appreciate the advice though and am trying to take it on board. It makes a lot of sense, I wish I had an emotional switch to make it easier though!

Also sorry for the list-like format of my last post there. I really am a jumbled mess and most of the time I feel so confused so I had to write it down quickly before I forgot it all.

Its ok, so leaving isn't on your list right now.

But you can do things for yourself. You could see your GP and ask for CBT for social anxiety and agoraphobia.
You can look at learning something online. Do something fun, anything at all, knitting or sewing, or creative writing for beginners. Or photography.

Thank you @TheInebriati I really want to see a counsellor or someone to talk about my issues (I have so many things I want to get out and talk about. Things from my childhood, pent up resentment, depression, anxiety etc) but partner tells me I don't need to see anyone and I'm fine and the discussion ends there.
And I also really want to do a course and learn something and try to make some sort of career (no idea what though), I'm desperate to change my life. But again partner isn't keen and also I feel a bit hopeless. I'm 32 with zero job experience and no social skills what so ever, who will ever want to hire me.

And I've just realised how pathetic I am with this crush. She is so beautiful and friendly, caring and warm. She does a wonderful job with so much kindness...and then there's me, nothing, nobody!

You've got a cruuuuuuuuuush. She's offering warm kind and lovely that you aren't getting for your do / dh. It'll die down soon, voice of experience. Then you can decide what to do about your actual relationship. Good luck!

You're not doing him any favours long term in staying with him, OP.

I think when anyone is in a bad relationship (of any nature) and stressed and worried, anyone showing even the slightest "niceness" is so out of our known life that we see it as more than it is.
Lots of people are nice, of course, there are lots of people who right horrors. If we spend too much time with the horrid folk, we are overly impressed with people who are just normal and nice.