Please share all of your advice and tips on living with Narcs without losing your mind. If that's even possible!
I'll try to keep this short but no promises;
MIL is a grade A, stereotypical Narc. The queen bee matriarch who can do no wrong.
SIL is what I believe to be a vulnerable Narc (life's victim, suffers from depression and has threatened harming herself in the past)
They're joint at the hip. I'm the only other female in the family, I'm their target it seems....and I'm stuck with them.
They will "give it, but they won't take it" in terms of criticism, blatantly look down on me, make fun of me and my family and my friends, insult me directly and indirectly, are passive aggressive and don't respect me as a mother. SIL seems to deliberately try to hurt my feelings sometimes with personal remarks or will ignore me for months and even blocked me on social media for no apparent reason.
They make me feel like a surrogate type figure who merely carried their DGC/DN for 9 months. My health and wellbeing throughout pregnancy, and including a rather traumatic birth, was irrelevant to them. They didn't even congratulate me on the pregnancy, just commented on how happy they were that DH was going to be a father. MIL then acted like it was her own achievement when I had DC1.
I have noticed that when other people are around such as a neighbor who had popped in or a relative is visiting, they will shower me with attention as if to give the impression that we have a good relationship. So SIL will have ignored me when I walked in but if a neighbor were to then pop in, she's all over me, asking how I am, asking after my family etc. but could then ignore me again for weeks. I am very well liked by their extended families - aunts, cousins etc. so they kind of play along and pretend they like me too while those people are around. Sounds absurd, I know!
They look down on everyone, not just me. Which does sometimes make me feel somewhat better. MIL was wild with jealousy when her nephew got a better degree than BIL for example. If anyone they know has been successful or is doing well in anyway, they simply cannot be happy for them. Likewise if someone is unwell or going through a trauma, they don't seem to be able to care or show any concern or empathy for that person, and will instead turn the conversation back around to themselves. So an uncle recently broke his leg badly and needed surgery and without a flicker of concern, MIL starts talking about the time she broke her wrist and was signed off work - that type of thing.
I am using mild examples as other examples would be outing!
DH does try, he will stick up for me but as SIL apparently suffers from depression, DH walks on eggshells with her and lets her away with it most of the time. He will confront MIL if a comment is made in front of him but she just turns on the water works and somehow ends up being the wounded party so we agreed he wouldn't bother any more as it was a waste of time him trying.
I am hoping to find a way of tolerating them without feeling like utter crap. I get really anxious when we have to spend time with them and have sleepless nights mulling over things they've said or done. I would also love for them to know that I am "on to them" in a way and that I'm aware of how they see me...and ideally, get the message across that I am an actual person with feelings who doesn't deserve to be treated the way that I am.
Any advice would be welcome 