Is my DH depressed?

[Unpoquitititoloco]

We're going through a difficult patch after several years of difficulty due to my mental health. I had PND/anxiety after the birth of both my babies and was difficult to live with as a result. My youngest will be 2 in October and I have felt a lot better in the last few months, like I'm finally moving away from the "cloud" that has been in my head post-birth. DH has always struggled with it and, whilst supportive on a practical level, hasn't been particularly supportive emotionally. Sadly, when I was pregnant with my first baby, his DM died very suddenly and part of me feels he has been dealing with this very silently and this is what held him off being an emotional support for me. I feel, despite how horrendous I felt, that I was a good emotional support for him and offered him many chances to talk etc.

Anyway, he has recently become very distant and low and does not seem "present" when he's around me and our two DDs. He has said to me that he's doing the last few years very very hard and that they've broken him. He says he enjoys time alone and feels very anxious about the future . He's very irritable much of the time and also quite shouty at the children (especially the eldest). He says he hates himself for this and the person that he has become. He's on his phone a lot and does not leave it anywhere - it's constantly on him. He completely denies any sort of affair - either EA or physical. I'm inclined to believe him but am the type that would never trust 100%. He seems to blame me for everything. I am the reason he feels so low. He's had to put up with a lot from me and seems to think I had a choice not to feel/behave like I did in the grips of PND.

The killer part is that he doesn't seem to know if he wants to be married any more. He's worried about leaving the family but also worried about staying and the last few years repeating themselves. I've told him that the future is going to be so much better, I'm better (well getting there!) and continuing to seek help and I will make sure he has a much better time!

He went to the docs but seems very resistant to any help because he knows what's caused his low mood (me).

He just does not seem to be himself at all. He's not affectionate, doesn't want sex and doesn't even seem to want to touch or make eye contact with me.

I feel like most responses will be "LTB" but in all honestly this is NOT the man I know and I'm sure he just he suffering from depression. If that's the case, how do I support him? I married him for better or worse (obviously excluding abuse etc!)

Any advice?

I’m not a doctor therefore can’t diagnose depression. However, it does seem like he might be struggling. Everything you’ve described, especially the being on the phone the majority of the time.
People can recluse in to themselves when they’re dealing with emotional problems, rather than talk about them. My partner is currently like this too & I understand completely how difficult it is.
BUT he also has to take responsibility for his own feelings. Perhaps dealing with the grief of his mother dying & supporting you with your mental illness, sure it would take its toll but not fair to blame you for something that wasn’t your choice.
Counselling or professional help may not mean he’ll jump for help, but may gradually learn to accept it and enjoy it. It sounds like he really needs the support too and somewhere he can vent his problems. I imagine he may feel he needs to hold back so you don’t fall back in to a depressive state.

Mental illness within couples are hard, without a bereavement and children too.
Xx

Honestly, I think he is checking out and that weighs heavily on him. You describe a man who is not happy with his situation and the future it holds. This is going to cause him stress and what you describe is an unhappy and stressed man.

I think he is telling you clearly he has problems with the relationship to the point he wants to be on his own. He is wrong to blame you for the relationship not working for him especially due to illness. He needs to own his unhappiness with it and you. But you have to hear that and accept it is true.

Sorry this is all quite harsh to write. But if I was telling someone I was unhappy with them and our relationship and they told me I was unwell I would be more annoyed with them. Even if he is depressed and doesn’t want to share his life with you, it’s his decision.

Ok so I should just let him go? We have done nothing to get our relationship back on track at all and currently have no time together without the children whatsoever. We have one terrible sleeper who wakes us both up a lot during the night and another ridiculously early riser.

I've discussed how we need to put a plan together to focus on us more but he's so distant. Id be absolutely devastated if he left us. I never ever thought that we would even consider it

I’d suggest you sit down and tell him how you feel. But also tell him that if he’s unhappy HE needs to do something about it.
It’s not your job to make someone else happy, you need to look after yourself.
I would suggest fitting in time for yourself as a couple, regular date nights or an afternoon where you can just be together without all the responsibilities.
Possibly counselling for him or couples counselling?

I’m all for trying to make a relationship work without just throwing in the towel.
If nothing has been done as of yet to try and rebuild the relationship I wouldn’t walk just yet.
This could just be a bad patch that needs a little tweaking after what seems like a really hard few years.. which is bound to take strain on any relationship. X