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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Struggling after baby

15 replies

xJune88 · 27/07/2019 19:27

I've heard many of times about women thinking about divorce after baby... (I'm not but am getting very frustrated) DH was amazing whilst on paternity and did most of the work and nights but in the last 8 weeks it's been draining and mostly me. I said I'd do nights as he works 6 days a week and thought it was only fair but when he is at home I still find myself doing it all and when he does help I just get so frustrated with him or have to nag him. I love him to bits and have spoke to him numerous times but now I'm getting peed off. I only ask for him to do 1 night a week when hes not at work the next day but can hear her crying whilst he lays sleeping (or pretending) so I do it anyway. Anyone been here?! Tell me it gets better please feel like a single naggy parent at times!!...

OP posts:

GMB2000 · 27/07/2019 19:36

This isn’t going to be of much help to you but I almost left mine when DS was a baby for the exact same reasons. I didn’t because I wanted to get past a year because everyone says it will get better after a year..... it didn’t. DS has just turned 2 and OH has never once taken him out alone, still not FA around the house. I’m leaving him tomorrow. It’s taken me a long time to get to this point but 2 years of built up resentment have left me despising him. Either he needs to step up now or you have to accept this will be your life now. He’ll probably get better as your DC gets older, I guess the question is how long are you willing to wait. (Also I’m sure this isn’t the norm, my OH has been a lazy since the day I met him)

GMB2000 · 27/07/2019 19:37

*does FA around the house

Original poster

xJune88 · 27/07/2019 19:44

Thankyou @GMB2000 I appreciate the honesty and sorry you've found yourself in the same situation and having to leave hope you are ok but after that long I'd defo be doing the same! Some moments I look at them together and my heart melts and I love him so much but I just wish hed do the first or last feed for me so I can sleep for an extra hour without having to nag. Suppose I've nagged that much I've just stopped asking x

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mummmmeee · 27/07/2019 20:26

Ahh I know exactly how you feel. My DH was brilliant on paternity leave but the moment he went back to work that was it. He is like a babysitter I need to ask to look after our DS and to be fair not a very good baby sitter either. Same as yours he works 6 days a week. On his day off I wake him up when DS wakes up (yes because he's not able to hear the baby awake himself..🙄) and he lets me have a "lie in"-basically he looks after DS for 2 hrs, no more than that. DH is also messy and rarely does any housework. Apart from cooking-he does that. He doesn't do nights with our DS, ever. I do it all. I don't want to but don't have a choice.
I resent him so much. Now when he's home I wish he wasn't as I feel better being a basically single parent a lot more when he's not at home.
Before the baby we had been together for 5 or so years, married for 2. So I thought I knew him well..boy I was wrong.
I hope it gets better. I'm hanging in there for now but if things don't change there's no way I see myself with him in 5 years time. My worry is also that as our DS gets older DH will get better with him and more involved but I am concerned the resentment I have now will not fade with it.
Sorry no advice as such. I've told my DH how I feel and he changes his behaviour for better but after a (not so long) while it's back to square one.

user1493413286 · 27/07/2019 20:33

In my DDs first few months I really wondered if me and DH would make it as I was so frustrated by the lack of co-parenting. It did get easier as DD got older as I think he found it easier to bond with her and do activities and I became more proactive with just leaving her with him knowing he would manage if I wasn’t there.

ColaFreezePop · 27/07/2019 20:47

Apparently women sleep lighter after having a baby which is why fathers can't hear their babies wake up if they are asleep but you always can and they must not co-sleep with newborns. However they have absolutely no excuse for the rest of their shitty behaviour.

If your baby is mixed fed/bottle fed or you can express you are best giving him a changing bag and a feed then kicking them him out of the house with the baby telling them not to come back for 3 hours. Or you go out for that time leaving hi with the baby. They need to earn to cope like mothers do.

Original poster

xJune88 · 27/07/2019 21:29

Thanks for advice and sorry some of you are in the same boat! Seems common unfortunately. I've left him with her a few times he tells me hes better and plays and talks to her when I'm not in. Doesn't when I'm around though!! Just has to be asked to check her and feed her guess I just know her cues better atm.. I can never see myself leaving him (things can obv change) it's just very frustrating. I'll ask for a lay in tomorrow but always seems to be him getting one on his day off.

OP posts:

Bigmango · 27/07/2019 23:43

I said I would do nights as I could catch up on sleep during the day. And I did, religiously. We got a cleaner and if I had a bad night, oh took dd for a bit before work or off for a long walk at weekends. Always felt this was fair. I was bf but if bottle feeding, probably would have done the same. You get used to broken nights and napping in the day to catch up. Much harder to if you are only doing it once week.

Original poster

xJune88 · 28/07/2019 05:17

Believe me I've tried to nap during the day but with a baby with bad reflux its impossible also think because weve had 2 losses and she was very poorly when born I dont take my eyes off her, plus we have a dog. Were nearly 11 weeks in day naps dont work for me at all. I'm up now after doing the night shift... wooo.

OP posts:

GMB2000 · 28/07/2019 07:25

My DS had awful reflex, it was really really hard at the beginning which I think is why I got so resentful towards OH, he thinks he was justified in caring more about his job than me and DS hence the split. Hopefully your DH will wake up and realise what he’ll be loosing if he doesn’t step up. Those first few months, especially with a reflux baby are hard. Just be kind to yourself and try and enjoy your time with your baby. Don’t let what’s happening with your OH ruin that. Mine was ruined and I can never forgive him for that. X

Eslteacher06 · 28/07/2019 07:54

I hope you don't mind me saying but the anxiety of worrying about if she's ok, the reflux, the losses and more than likely sleep deprivation will be affecting your mood.

Have you spoken to him properly about how you're feeling? I don't mean just asking him "can you do this/that"

From another perspective, he's possibly feeling like he can't do it right and doesn't feel confident doing it on his own, especially if you take over. He will never do things exactly the same way you do, but that's ok! He needs to find his way with his kid. I suggest going out for an hour or even a walk around the block without your phone just to get him used to it. I swear to god you will feel tonnes better.

I'm talking as a mum with a bf 8 week old baby with bad colic. It's bloody hard!

Eslteacher06 · 28/07/2019 07:56

Sorry I assumed your baby is a girl!

Eslteacher06 · 28/07/2019 07:59

And...I didn't RTFT sorry! Baby brain! I think it's a confidence thing with him if you've left him home alone and he was fine but not when you're there

blackcat86 · 28/07/2019 08:07

This is so common. I have a nearly 1 year old and most friends with babies I met on mat leave are going through similar things. Whether the dads are checking out, taking the opportunity to take the piss because their partner is more vulnerable or feel some Male entitlement to go out and have fun whilst the women stays home I dont know. DH was awful after DD was born and we are having couples counselling. A close friend had her DH go out all night and come back pissed in the morning. He's been hanging out with undesirable friends who take drugs and order young prostitutes (their in their 40s and 50s, the girls are always 18). Yuck. Another has been sleeping on a camp bed post c section for several months as her DH gets shitty if he's disturbed at night. These are intelligent, accomplished women which good pre-baby careers and seemingly decent partners but this stuff seems to happen so often its horrifying.

Original poster

xJune88 · 28/07/2019 10:06

Thanks for the advice @GMB2000. And thankyou @Eslteacher06 I appreciate the honesty tbh and can see what you mean I dont give him a chance because hes not doing it right or cant find the problem quick enough so suppose I need to step back and give him a chance.. and yeah a talk probs would be good. He seems to of read this (joking) but this morning he got up with her and left me in bed and has looked after her so far brilliantly... weird maybe I just need to let him. I do wonder sometimes if he does a shit job on purpose so i just do it hahha. And @blackcat86 that's awful! Luckily DH is nothing like that x

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