Learning to trust

[Toria34]

Hello! I'm 34, newly single and wanting to get married and have a family soon (fingers crossed I find a man!). I often have a lot of anxiety when I date and have relationships. They don't last longer than a year and in hindsight, I often recognise that my insecurities lead to their downfall. I mistrust, assume people don't like me, and expect the worst. I grew up with a mother who fits the profile of a narcissist, which meant her "love" for me was based on my performance and could be withdrawn if I did/said/wore something she didn't like. She would actually shout at me that she didn't love me anymore and if I did whatever it was that she wanted me to do, she would smile and say she loved me again. This continued until I cut her off in my early 30s. But I constantly expect romantic partners and friends to leave me. Does anyone else have this type of anxiety from a past betrayal and was able to heal and allow yourself to be free to fall in love with a romantic partner or allow friendships to flow naturally without all the stress of insecurities? Thank you in advance for taking the time to read and answer :)

I think expecting a partner to fix this is unrealistic, have you tried counselling & CBT?

The short answer is no - it continues to be a big problem for me and it seems to get worse with each subsequent “abandonment”. I’m in therapy and taking a break from dating as it was having a huge toll on my mental health. With what you’ve said about yourself and what you want, I’d be worried about you getting hurt.

I think you should address it with therapy, get yourself in a good place so you're not expecting any new partner to take on your baggage.

Similarly I have issues related to how my parents treated me. I've found counselling really helpful (once I found the right counsellor) and I've massively improved in my ability to build friendships. Still finding relationships difficult - I think probably because it's more of a rejection if you know what I mean.

Reinventing your life by Jeffrey Young is a good book - it's helped me a lot

Thanks everyone! The thing with counselling and therapy is that after the breakup before the last one, I decided I want to "fix" myself and searched for a therapist. It took me a few months to find one but when I eventually did, I only had three sessions as the bloke kept saying, "I don't know what your problem is, you're so attractive" and kept inviting me to join him at his salsa course as it would help improve my self esteem. I know- a very, very, very bad therapist indeed. I felt so frustrated and I know not all therapists are like that but I'm honestly a bit put off. I do have a "mother figure" in my life- a close friend from that generation, and that helps a lot.

The other thing is that thanks to things my mum "taught" me, I can't trust my instincts! So even if I feel someone is nice and honest, whether its a friend or partner, I still remind myself that I can't trust my instincts and that the good feeling I have might be wrong!

Find a new therapist. A female one! and report the last one to his governing body.

@Helpmeltb thanks for the book recommendation! Started reading it on Google books and it's spot on!

@Bezalelle after I checked the replies here this morning, I realised I can't do this on my own and started looking for a female therapist! I've found two, just need to call them tomorrow to check for appointments.

I think there might’ve been a name change fail here

I'm new to mumsnet and decided to change my username. That has nothing to do with the thread.

Noted - thought it might be helpful for you to know that you’ve posted using both your changed name, and your previous name.

@BeforeCake

Hi and welcome to MN

As you say, changing your name doesn't really make any difference to the thread. There are a couple of points though, that do matter a bit because they are sort of contradictory.

Your name changed posts are not highlighted as they would be as the original poster. It makes it seem, on a casual look at the thread, as if the original poster (OP) did not come back to the thread.

Since the thread has posts from both the old and the new name , we all know your new name. Was that your intention ?

I didn't think a name change would cause such a kerfuffle - sorry!