See stalemate

[Oleanderrules]

I am looking for a bit of a sanity check re my marriage
We have been having marriage counselling for months now and are making some but not much progress . My DH has been recommended to have therapy for his childhood experiences which I believe have affected how he behaves in our marriage

We have come to the topic of sex in the counselling and I feel we are at stalemate now and so much so I just don't see things getting better and maybe I should leave

In order for me to want sex with him I feel he needs to be warm and affectionate with me and this effectively makes me want to be sexual with him . He in turn doesn't feel affectionate because I don't give him what he wants and has told me that he would love me more if I gave him more hand jobs which in his view is the same affection wise as a hug or a kiss

Am I going mad here ? I think he is completely out of line and find him controlling in that kind of view

My friends who I have discussed it with think he is ridiculous but they are my friends and would take my side

Any views appreciated either way as to to be honest I am feeling confused and sad

I meant to write sex stalemate as a title
Any views appreciated I feel so confused

Your friends are right..

I agree with your friends! Sounds like he's too lazy to wank himself...

Find it more complex than his laziness

He doesnt sound very kind.. and he is trying to manipulate you into sex. And he think his need for sex is more important than your need for affection.

What?! Really?!!
What a dick.

OP, my exH used to say that too, also in theraphy. Apparently if only we had more sex, all our problems would be solved.

Nah. The only thing that sorted it was a divorce.

Yes absolutely agree that he doesn't understand my need for affection and affection does not have to be sex
I love sex and feel that his behaviour / attitude has destroyed our sex life

I hope you can work things out in counselling

I can see both sides tbh

You want the live/affection/intimacy to feel like sex with him

He wants the sexual attention to feel close/intimate/affectionate with you

I can see why your friend & posters are ‘taking your side’ but I think your DH’s feelings are just as valid and neither if you feel ready to ‘give’ before you’ve received what you want/need. That doesn’t say much for your relationship.

Obviously no one should have sex if they don’t want to, but being realistic/pragmatic/fair no one should have to give/show affection when they’re not feeling it either

One of you is going to have to ‘give’ first.. it just depends how much you love each other and want this to work really -

Do you feel you love him still? Could you honestly say ‘I love you’ to him? If you do & can then maybe you need to tell him in the way he needs to hear it! (I’d tell him the same if it was him posting!)

Thanks IncrediblySadToo
I appreciate your objectivity

he doesn't understand my need for affection and affection does not have to be sex
I wonder how true this is? has this been properly, openly discussed in your counselling sessions together?

He in turn doesn't feel affectionate because I don't give him what he wants and has told me that he would love me more if I gave him more hand jobs which in his view is the same affection wise as a hug or a kiss
Really? This ^^ sounds like he just wants what he wants I'm afraid.