Am I a bad girlfriend?

[Allie111]

So my boyfriend is annoyed at me for not seeing him this weekend. His father passed away a few months ago and I have tried to be there for him, we are both university students currently, I am doing my nursing degree and he is sitting one final exam. Don't get me wrong, I love him to bits and really feel for him and see him every week without fail. This week I am honestly so exhausted, probbaly from doing my nursing work experience at the hospital which is 40 hours a week (unpaid) and I have assignments to complete also. I think the heat along with 2 hours travelling time everyday has exhausted me. I understand he's living alone in uni accomodation and I'm living at home. But I just am really tired and want to spend some time with my family this weekend and relax. Earlier on I was telling him I won't be coming down and earlier on in the week told him I have an assignment to complete but he hung up on me annoyed. I would like to see him but I'm just so tired and drained, seeing him means more train journeys and travelling whihc I need to save my energy for the next week for the hospital. I know that sounds selfish but I'm stuck if I should see him maybe for a coupl hours or just tell him I can't.

If he's so desperate to see you, why can't he coem to you and see you for short bits?

Bit no you're not a bad gf. You travelling there EVERY weekend is too much, esp for a student nurse. Either you share the travel or I'd drop it to 3 in 4 weekends at most

No, you're not, you're wrecked and it's bloody hot!! I understand with his dad dying and him being on his own he's upset, but you deserve a rest too

Would you be happy for him to come and visit you? If so, offer that.

But you haven’t done anything wrong. You are entitled to space, and family time. Just explain that to him, maybe over text (and as kind as you can make it).

OP he sounds utterly self consumed and like he really doesn’t give a shit about what you are enduring through these long days of work study and family times too. He lost a parent but it doesn’t give him the right to demand your undivided attention, especially during such high pressured times for you yourself OP. Be kind to yourself and start putting you and your own needs ahead of others.

He needs to make an effort. If he needs to see you so much.

That stuck out to me, too - he’s not meeting you halfway at all here, and that’s a dangerous pattern to get into. Alternating who comes to who is the only way this can work, you’ll end up running yourself ragged, cutting down on time you can be studying/resting.

You have done nothing wrong. It’s perfectly fine to need some ‘me’ time.

Do you do all the running, because his reaction sounds a bit one-sided (although I appreciate we only have a snapshot of your relationship)?

You can’t be at his beck and call all the time.

I agree with what others have said; you are actually a very good girlfriend.

Your boyfriend will get over this, Allie, please don't worry. I too wondered why he won't travel to your place but that could be because your parents are there and he'd feel awkward.

Well he lives in a different city to me, during the academic year I go to see him and during the summer he comes to see me and picks me up in his car, its just easier that way seeing as he has a place that we can just relax at whereas I don't, I have asked a few times for him to come to me but he always meets it with "it's just easier if you come here", which to be honest I'm sick of, it's just too much travelling at this point and I really need the rest this weekend

I think I'm starting to see a pattern, everytime I say I can't come down simply because I want to relax he is off with me or not "normal" with me, I feel like he's doing it so I give in and come down which I normally do, but I just physically can't this time because I'm actually shattered

I'd suggest stepping back and seeing this for what it is, @Allie111

He doesn't sound as though he is the best person for you right now

He sounds very manipulative, all the sulking and hanging up on you. I'd reconsider this relationship. I doubt he's going to change his behaviour.

You're not a bad girlfriend at all. It doesn't sound fair at all.

It's all very well him going down to you in the summer but that's a huge chunk of the year where you have to put all the effort in with travelling, obviously you are going to be exhausted. You need time to relax and chill out.

He's being selfish. Obviously it's tough on anyone to lose a parent, but at the same time a few months on you can't be using that to excuse his behaviour. He shouldn't be putting pressure on you. He should be supportive and understanding of your needs too.

You are not selfish at all. He sounds selfish and wanting everything on his terms! That’s not an equal partnership is it?

He's grieving but he needs to consider your situation. Of course you are exhausted. I'd agree with the others about stepping back and see what happens.

Losing a parent a few months ago is not an excuse for being an arsehole today. To be honest, you may love him to bits, but it doesn't sound entirely like it is reciprocated. Someone who loves you doesn't manipulate and pout when they can't get their own way; and they have greater consideration for how you are feeling than their own convenience.

@Allie111 Hiya. You're both in difficult circumstances right now and this isn't permanent. It's temporary. This week, you both have needs that clash: he needs you to be there, understandably. But you also need to rest, understandably. I can imagine he is feeling very low at the moment and it's natural for him to lean on you a lot more than usual. You sound exhausted, poor thing, and I bet you really need to recharge your batteries physically and emotionally and you also need to get on with your assignments. It's a tricky week, but it's temporary. Neither of you are bad, it's a temporary clash of needs. You're not a bad girlfriend- you are someone who is awfully tired and exhausted and has a lot to do this week. And that's all ok.

I do not think you are a bad girlfriend but he is more like Mr Wrong for you than Mr Right. How does this person show you that he loves you anyway, it sounds like this whole thing is all on his sole terms.

I would look at raising your relationship bar a lot higher going forward and consider too what you learnt about relationships when you were growing up.

He sounds like he has no clue that you might have a different perspective to him. "It's easier if you come here " he says, what if you say "No, it's easier for you, but it's tiring for me"? He's being selfish and inconsiderate.