Finding yourself again after DV relationship

[Whattheduckisthis]

Nc a few times on here but here it goes.

I was with my exdp just over 2 years, in that time i was raped, physically and mentally abused for the duration and isolated. I have finally plucked up the courage and determination to get rid a few months ago but now i am struggling finding myself again. I dont know who i am anymore, i am so used to not wearing vest tops, not putting make up on anymore (got question after question if i did), not looking out the car window when driving, not having my own taste in music, not talking to any males , not saying hun or babe because i wasnt allowed.... and now i am lost. Who the hell am i?

Ive tried to find a hobby, but everything is non child friendly with the way life is atm, ds is 8 dd is 1 and has a visual impairment which has a huge effect on my life.... how did you recover? Any advice?

It took me five years to get to the point where I felt equal to any other woman out there. Five years til I wasn't mired in anxieties and self doubt. But saying that I prolonged the torture because I sought his 'permission' (approval) for having left him for ages after I left. He was obviously never going to give me that and we went round in circles for ages which prevented me from healing and moving on, so piece of advice number one would be, block him, go no contact. Get somebody to do a handover he demands to see your child.

Take time to recover. It can take a while so go easy on yourself and push yourself out of your comfort zone a little bit but very gently and gradually. I realise that I got in to an abusive relationship because I felt it was unacceptable to be single.

I can recommend a few people on youtube that have helped me so much.

Meredith Miller Inner Integration
Lisa Romano A Romano
And Ross Rosenberg on the subject of co-dependency

Those are two excellent female speakers who can help shore you up from ever being sucked in to any sort of relationship where your boundaries are ignored again.

Ps what did you love doing between the ages of 8 and 14?

I used to make shapes out of plasticine and make clothes for my barbies and I wrote stories. So as the adult I was with no big circle of friends, I did a course on dress design which I loved. All women. For the best. I joined a book club. It was a bit too serious for me as it was a ''the classics'' book club, but if I'd had more time, I would have loved it. I got out the clay and made little figures while listening to the clips by Meredith Miller, LIsa A Romano and Ross Rosenberg.

I feel very resilient and content now. It is possible to get yourself back. You're in there. You've been trained not to poke your head up out above the parapet. So don't force it because you want your personality to bloom in its own time, authentically.

xx

Excellent post Rue!

OP, it has taken me several months to start to feel like part of myself is back after a 2 year string of abusive relationships.

Deciding to deliberately stay single and do as much as I can to heal from previous abuse (Rue mentioned some excellent youtubers who I've also found really helpful) has really helped me snap out of the reactive state you are in currently (and understandably) after leaving an abusive relationship.

The single most important thing I learned that helped me heal is to remember that everything the abuser has tried to brainwash you into believing (e.g. you're stupid, not good enough, not pretty/thin/intelligent etc) has absolutely nothing to do with you and everything to do with their feelings of inadequacy, self loathing and low self esteem which is why they abuse in the first place.

None if it was ever true, it was said to keep you shackled and now is the time to challenge those beliefs, invest in self care and restore the authentic 'you' that you would have been without abuse. I believe that is when you know you have truly healed.

2 fantastic posts thank you both so very much!!

I cant thank you enough for the advice you both gave me just now, ive blocked him and am in the process of trying to find someone who could do handover for me if he bothers with DD (ds from previous relationship).

Dd has woken with conjunctivitis so shes mega snuggly so going to use the time to watch youtube as you guys reccomended to me.

I dont remember much of my childhood, but i can remember from around 12 till 14/ 16 i was very much a loner, i got bullied at school and eventually stopped going, i used to clean as therapy (did my mums head in i was always cleaning the house) play games and read - ill try and reconnect with that when i have some kid free time.

I feel this is going to be a long process but i hope am on the right track! Going cold turkey no contact will help 100%

Lets do this!

That's a great start that you have blocked him and I hope you manage to find someone to do drop offs and pick ups. If you ever have to communicate with him, look up the 'grey rock' method where you give him absolutely no emotion. It's hard when you have children with an abuser because most of them will continue to abuse you through the child and during picks ups etc so it's hard to move on from the abuse when you are being constantly re traumatised.

Here's some advice I posted on another thread about healing after abuse which may help you too

I now try to practice self care as often as possible, invest more in my non romantic relationships which are alot more fulfilling, challenge my negative inner voice (that was likely learned in childhood and reinforced by abusive men) and create clear boundaries and assert them, no matter how uncomfortable it makes me feel (that's the people pleaser in me).

I also fight the urge to be in a relationship until I am ready because I know that alot of my lonliness is deep rooted in codependency and I refuse to be that person anymore. Essentially, I refuse to ever be in a relationship again that is anything but mutually loving and respectful and I've made peace with the fact that even if I never find that, I would choose to be alone a million times over than be with an abusive man again.

I think the freedom programme is great and theres also some really good videos on youtube about narcissism and codependency. Lisa Romano is my favourite as well as little shaman and Derril Jaxn.

healing from a narcissistically abusive relationship (all abusive men are narcissistic) is much more complex than healing from one where things simply didnt work out.

It can really shake you to your core so you need to give yourself time to heal. Healing is never a linear process and you may at times feel hyper vigilant as you do now, but I promise this eases over time and soon you will find the confidence and trust in yourself that you will not fall for the same patterns as before and that you will be OK no matter what.

I believe my DC's father is a psychopath (highly abusive horrible man) who made the best part of my 20's a living nightmare. At the time, I really couldn't see the purpose of any of it and I never thought I would be able to live with what happened to me and my DC.

Since being no contact for 3 years, I can see how surviving all of that has made me a strong person and I now trust myself that I can get through almost anything. Women who have survived abusive relationships are some of the bravest people I know. You survived and learned some very difficult lessons but dont let it define who you are in the future because if you do, ultimately he will have won by stopping you from enjoying life and putting him firmly in the past.

That is such a great post and your an inspiration. Going to stick to no contact and face the facts the big problem with me is my coping mechanism is to forget the bad quick time, until someone reminds me and i am like oh yeah he did do that didnt he.... im going to watch myself with that as i feel thats how i ended up going around in circles with this idiot man.

Its going to be a tough road. Thank you so much

Here’s my hand for you to hold in the meantime :)
I would suggest doing one thing for yourself every day. May it be a coffee in your favourite cup, or tellling yourself nice, soothing things, wearing a favourite poliece of clothing, anything, really, even applying a bit of cream on your hands.
One day at a time.

What makes you feel good? Music? A walk on the beach? Start there, get Googling.
Do you have some nice perfume? It doesn't have to be expensive.

I have a fave perfume and recently i have found a cheap dupe so i treated myself today! Smell like me again thats a start right.

Unfortunately i cant find anyone willing to do handover with dd to ex to im going to have too, ive messaged and told him his day as we have previously discussed - im now researching grey rock!

Grey Rock can be really effective, you make yourself as uninteresting as possible.

Can’t Go No Contact With Your Narcissist? Use The Gray Rock Method Instead.
www.aconsciousrethink.com/6158/gray-rock-method-dealing-narcissist/

@Whattheduckisthis buy yourself the real version!

Yes to grey rock.. shutty shutty as lisa romano calls it. If she said shutty shutty once she said it 50 times but i guess it gets the message accross.

No matter what attack on your character is made, no matter what drama bait, no matter what slur against your character is levelled at you, dont react
In fact, lisa romano said in another clip to just say "I accept your perception of me".
I said that to my xh and it took him aback.

The drama baits and distorted view of me hasnt stopped but he knows im not bothered by how low his opinion of me is.