Fear of abandonment ruining relationship

[Dakota89]

I need some advice as I feel I'm ruining my relationship if not have already ruined it. I've been with my partner for a few years now and he really is amazing but I have a bad habit of sabotaging anything good in my life. I don't do it on purpose I dont even realise I'm doing it at the time. I honestly know deep down i have abandonment issues and this is what causes me to be the way I am but I'm at breaking point. I constantly fear him leaving me even though he gives me no reason to think this, I overthink and look into everything and it drives me crazy. I know I'm going to sound mad and I would agree with anyone that says it but I just dont know what to do anymore. I always think I'm going to be left or cheated on or that if my partner doesnt call back or text back or if he takes his phone everywhere with him that there is someone else. I never think I am good enough and end up pushing him away with my thoughts. I sit there putting situations in my head of him leaving and I constantly think he doesnt want me that I'm not good enough he just stays with me out of pity. Its like I need constant reassurance that its okay and that he wants to be with me. I get this isnt a healthy way to be but it feels so out of control, I say something stupid or tell him I'm worried about him leaving then regret ever saying it as I know all I'm doing is pushing him away. I feel awful as he doesnt deserve it and wonder if maybe I should end it to save him the hassle of it all. The worst part is I know hes not cheating I know he loves me yet I still cant shut it off. I do this with family as well but not to this extent. He gets sick and I think he is dying. I know right, crazy. But tonight I've done it again, I've caused an argument over me overthinking his friendship with someone and now I wonder if I've gone too far this time. I dont want to be like this anymore but I also dont know what to do. I've spoken to him about my worries but not actually how bad it gets. I feel like I'm constantly fighting a battle with myself. I love him so much that I'm scared of pushing him away and dont realise that's exactly what I'm doing before it's too late. Should I just walk away and save him the hassle of being with me?

Have you had any therapy to work through these issues?

If not I would strongly recommend it, you’ve identified what you’re doing which is good but it does sound like you need to deal with your fear of abandonment.

No to make you paranoid but, Google Borderline personality disorder just incase. It's characterised by this pathological fear that people will leave you/cheat on you/don't really love you ect...

Probably not this but just incase you recognise yourself in it.

I agree that talking to someone professional about why you feel so insecure may be a good move.

I have been diagnosed with anxiety which I suppose can play a big part in it. I've thought about speaking to someone but saying it out loud is hard as I feel like everyone looks at me as if I'm crazy..

@Pinkbonbon I've heard about borderline personality disorder and honestly it feels like someone is writing about me but I hate the whole self diagnosing thing and I need help I know, but to be told I could have something like this does scare me a little

OP, a good therapist won't look at you as though you have two heads if you tell them any of this, instead they will listen, work with you in a kind and supportive way to slowly unpick how you feel, why it happened and how to deal with it. I think therapy could really help you.

I used to feel exactly the same as you about BPD, that it applied to me at times but I was also so scared of the label and didn't want it.
When I look back now at some of my behaviour I can't believe how far I have come.

Therapy helped me immeasurably, and while I still have moments when the dread claws its way back in, I can look at it objectively and think 'oh yeah, that old behaviour pattern again. Haven't seen you in a while. Move along, we don't need you here' and I talk myself down.
I have also learned to self soothe and that is something I never thought I would be able to do! The BACP website is a good starting point to find a therapist in your area. Pick someone you click with even if you have to have a few first sessions with a few people.
Best of luck. I understand completely where you are and how it feels, and I promise you can change how you feel. It can get so much better. It takes effort and work and time, but by God it's worth it.

Apparently 4% of the population have it (google fact lol) so it isn't as if it is rare really so I'm sure they won't look at you as if you have two heads if it turns out to he that. Could be one of a hundred other things though.

@RhubarbTea I worry that because I have kids they will think I'm too unstable to look after them which is why I have never tried to get help. This has been going on for years but reading about people who suffer with BPD does make me wonder if maybe that is what is going on. I am also very impulsive, I spend money stupidly as it makes me feel better for a bit (I'm in a lot of debt actually) and when I do have moments of feeling like I'm being left I cant control my emotions I go from crying getting myself worked up and in a complete mess to switching and acting as if nothing had happened. I feel like bashing my head against a wall sometimes.

Hi op, I have been like this my entire adult life. I eventually decided to try and get help through a CBT therapist who basically saved me. Having someone objective be able to link seemingly unassociated events from my childhood to my behaviour today was invaluable. I'm the sort of person who needs logic, my emotions are scary as they're uncontrollable, I like control! Having someone very logically explain my emotional reactions and reassure me that that's all they are (not some sort of spidey sense for cheaters;) was what did it for me.

You mention dc. Actually the only reason I went to get help was because of my dc. Particularly my girls. I know how much of our behaviour is rooted in patterns we learned very young from our parents, and just the very thought of my children ending up like me, not actually able to enjoy a relationship, all because of me, killed me.

I'm not 100% better by the way, I still wobble, i'm just better able to control it. And i don't have BPD, so I'm not sure it's a foregone conclusion that the 2 things are the same. I do have depression though and i've had 3 anxiety induced breakdowns over the years.

In short : I was the woman who quite literally would spend most waking hours thinking about my partner cheating on me, from the age of 16- 36. Crying, dramatising, catastrophing. You name it, I did it. I know how low it can take you but with the right help you can get better.

@GreenFieldsofFrance Thank you for your reply. I have always suffered from anxiety I have anxiety attacks to the point I cant breathe I dont know if this is what it actually is, I hate not being in control of emotions as well and anything little can just set it off. You are right though, I know children pick up on things which is the main reason I know I need to sort myself out . It seems to mainly happen at night when the kids are in bed and i have the time to sit and overthink. Sometimes I just sit and cry because it makes me start to hate myself, i hate the fact my head seems to be out of control and it's as if someone else takes over for a while and I'm seeing it from the outside and there is no way of stopping it. I've been diagnosed with depression too in the past, but I dont think I am depressed.. i just cant control my thoughts and emotions however much I try.

You need to refer yourself for therapy as soon as possible. If you're in the UK, contact IAPT (google their details for your borough.)

If you do not seek help, you will continue to abuse and hurt your partner and as strong as he is now, the behaviour will eventually wear him down and he would be right in leaving you.

Go seek help, also make an appointment with your GP and explain all of this so they can get the ball rolling to getting you the right help.

I have the exact same problem. Exactly the same: fear of him leaving, fear of being cheated on and assume that he is for no real reason, catastrophising and preparing for the worst. I started another thread about this to ask if anyone else has been able to overcome this and it seems like therapy is the way forward. I had a bad experience with a male therapist trying to hit on me so I was put off but after reading other user's advice, it seems like therapy is the only way forward and I have to find a female therapist.

I think the fact that you know you are the problem and need to get some help is a massive step in the right direction. This is unlikely to get better unless you do something about it.

My SIL behaves exactly like this, including the spending/debt, their marriage is hanging by a thread and there have been many violent outbursts. She is now estranged from the majority of her family because of it. No one can help her yet as she is still in denial and it is sad to watch.

I hope you have the courage to take the first step.

What often helps me out is having a particular friend or two who knows what I'm like. My strategy is often to express my moment of panic and stress at that friend who then kindly calls me out, pointing out that I'm "doing it again" and that I have no solid or logical evidence from my partner's behaviour and that friend can often see the positive and say something like, "maybe he's just texting his mum?".