What to do about DD feeling that she is left out all the time?

[Chocolategirl79]

My DD (11) has had a hard time with her friendship group for most of the last year. There are 4 girls and she regularly feels left out or the others all do things for each other and not for her. For example, they were cheering each other for getting a spare at tenpin bowling but they'd lost interest and when she got a strike, they didn't cheer her and make a fuss. She said that she cheered the others and doesn't understand why they don't like her.

I've witnessed some of it as in 'shall we wait for little chocolate?' as if it's an option and hugging each other when they meet and leaving her out. It's so vicious and eating away at her self confidence.

Next year she'll start at secondary and I'm hoping these girls won't be so much of her life but how do I help her deal with it and how can I help her not to feel so left out?!

I worry that I'm modelling some behaviour that makes that seem ok as I don't have many close friendships either and do feel left out within my grown up friendship groups but I hate it for her!!

What is the 'little chocolate' comment implying? Hmmm I'd like to think she will find new friends in secondary!

I think it sounds as if they don't view her as as close a friend as she thinks.
Definitely encourage her to strike out and make new friends at secondary.

@shas19 the OP's username is chocolate so she used 'little chocolate' as a way of referring to her dd without using her real name

I had to read that part over and over too but the OP’s nam is Chocolate.

I’d just keep her busy over the summer, start some new activities if possible. Drum it into her that she needs to talk to new people when she starts secondary. I practised with my dd. I’d say to her
‘What are two things you could ask the girl next to you in the lunch line’?

Sorry - yes I was trying to refer to her without using her name!!

Thanks for replying. I'm just so worried about her and want to encourage her to find new friends but don't know how to help her deal with the put downs. Should she just ignore or tell them that it's hurtful? A slightly older friend suggested some really good, funny responses to it but I take it to heart!

I would encourage other friendships. If I see my dd isn’t getting on w a friend or the other friend seems more interested in another friend, I’ll suggest she plays w another. She is younger though so might get more difficult as they get older. But if she is getting left out these girls aren’t her real friends. She should try to branch out and make other friends.

Are you able to enrol her in some summer activities that will keep her occupied and focused on meeting new friends?

When you are at school, your world view is very narrow. It may help her to realise that there are more friendship options outside of school

When I was a bit younger than your daughter, I had two really close friends; we were a gang of three, inseparable. For reasons I never understood, almost overnight they decided they didn’t want me in the gang. I spent a lot of time crying about it to my mum. I don’t know if she did anything that I didn’t know about, but what she did face to face was let me talk about it, but also push me to have some self worth. Why did I want to be friends with people who were so mean? There were lots of other people I could be friends with etc. Actually, the thing she probably did that I didn’t realise was organise things with family friends who had children the same age, so I had opportunities outside school for friend-making. But the whole thing was very formative for me, and shaped how I dealt with horrible people as an adult, both as friends and romantic relationships.

I think it will be crucial to use the time over the year to build her friendships outside of the school setting to boost her confidence in making friends prior to starting secondary.
Does she go to any groups/clubs that are with children from other schools? Think drama especially group for friendship building or guides.

Girls at that age can be really mean, as they test the boundaries. My youngest is 12, and has had all sorts of challenges with some friends. I've done a few things with her, to help, which I guess you could try:

1. Keep talking. The most important thing is to keep the lines of communication open between you and her, so that she keeps talking and knows you're in her corner. Feelings about this stuff can seem overwhelming at that age, so she needs a safe place to talk about it.

1. Be circumspect in how you discuss the issue. I always took it as a chance to discuss what might be going on with those other kids, helping explore the different motivations they might have, discussing what healthy boundaries look like in friendships and other relationships, and coaching her with open questions to work through and find her own options for handling what was happening. In my view, that approach builds a number of things - empathy, resilience, and self-respect among them. My ex uses a very different approach - she has an emotional response, and starts talking about how those other kids are "bitches", not nice people, and how our daughter is "better than" them. She thinks she's doing the right thing by supporting our daughter, but in practice she is teaching her unhealthy lessons about how to react to this sort of thing. and making things more difficult when alliances inevitably shift again, and those kids are friends once more! So, think first, react second.

1. Encourage a range of friendship groups. There have been times when my daughter has got too intensely involved with just one or two friends, and so when issues arise in such a small group, it can be all-consuming. If she has a range of overlapping but distinct friendship groups (think venn diagrams), then there's always someone friendly she can be with. So, if things have got too intense with just a couple of people, I'll encourage activities with those who are being overlooked - get her to invite them for a sleepover, day out etc.

1. Encourage hobbies. I've just got my youngest into pony club. She LOVES horses, and the local riding school runs a pony club that not only develops their equestrian skills but also has a focus on developing kids socially as 'good people' (for want of a better term). When she's spending time with people who have similar passions, and they're all dedicated to what they're doing, there's far less of the stuff you get going on with kids in school.

1. When she reaches secondary school, encourage her to mix more widely. That will probably happen naturally anyway - the pool of potential friends is much larger there.

Above all, remember what you're trying to achieve with all of this. You are trying to grow her as an emotionally mature, kind, resilient, strong, independent, caring young woman. That means walking a line between encouraging empathy for others who may be struggling, helping her to understand group dynamics & why people do what they do (especially teenage girls!), and ensuring that she develops a healthy set of boundaries for how she will be treated. Those are life skills that will help her with every relationship she has in the future - not just her friendships.

Seems to be going okay with my girls so far. One of the things that makes me proudest, is that they are developing into the kind of young women who build other women up, rather than tearing them down.

As she is going to secondary school, I would encourage new friendships and stay away from his girls. Try and get into tutor group which does not include any of these girls and hopefully your daughter will flourish.

Thank you everyone for your comments and especially SingleDad for your thoughts about not just saying the other girls are mean.

She does a lot of out of school activities but with one or two of the girls in the group. I did think at the time that it wasn't a great idea for her to be with them so much but I think time to maybe encourage her to strike out on her own.

And I will make an effort to organise some time with other friends - although most of my friends have boys of the same age annoyingly!! But lots to think about and I need to steer and talk about it rather than just get annoyed with these other children!!