3 years on

[bounderies1234]

Just looking for some wise Mumsnetters opinions.
I'm a mom of two kids and widowed just over 3 years. My relationship with my late DH was difficult at times and after his death I found out he had been cheating on me.
It was an awful time for me and my kids. I went on OLD about a year after he died which all turned out to be a disaster. One guy I started seeing stole money from me. I was just so desperately lonely.
I have since focused on my kids and excelled in my career. I have totally checked out of meeting anyone as I just think the stakes are too high if it goes wrong.
I suppose what I'm asking is if you think I'm wise to check out. I don't bother going on nights out with single friends and no more OLD. I don't want to be alone forever but I'm definitely not very good at seeing the red flags and feel I can't afford to put my kids at any risk

Good mum

I have been in a similar situation in the past OP but continued on my path of red flags. I think it's great you have put your kids needs before your own but don't forget there's good men out there too

What age are your kids op?

Ah sounds like you have had a really tough few years op. Maybe you need this time out to work on yourself while the kids are young. Empower and work on yourself now so that when the times right you will easier spot the red flags

Spotting the red flags takes practice, and I don't think that OLD with strangers is the best way to practice them - its a bit like being thrown in the deep end.

Do you have a list of red flags?

I have an endless list and accumulated more every time I look at momsnet. Reading so many stories here and due to my own past I think it's too risk to date when kids are so young. Fair enough if you meet someone 1 you already know but I think it's too risky meeting people you know nothing about.
Anyway I'll wait another 12 years and then my son will be 18

Avoid OLD, but get yourself an interest - hang-gliding or painting or whatever. You might meet someone, you might not but at least you'll enjoy yourself in the meantime.

Not always easy as a full time working mom with no family support

Ah Bounderies, you can't say you'll wait another 12 years.

Did you ever receive counselling after the death of your husband? When you found out he had cheated on you that must have caused so many different emotions.
I think you should seek some kind of counselling or other form of therapy to talk about how you don't see red flags etc, just work on yourself with a view to starting to date in a year or 2...just don't resign yourself to waiting 12 years.

BTW, I've had some bad relationships myself and i'm absolutely not ready to date at the moment due to the way I currently view most men!!

But I certainly wouldn't say I'm not going to date anyone for years and years.

If anything I think it would be good for my kids to see me with someone in the future, they haven't seen me with anyone since their dad, but I think it must be nice for kids to see their mothers in love if you know what I mean.
I also don't want to send the message to my daughter in particular that her life should stop when she has kids. If for example my daughter when she was older had a series of bad luck with men and said she wouldn't date for 12 years i'd actually be heartbroken for her and wouldn't want that for her life!

I suppose it depends on how content you are with your own company?

Boundaries, I’m with you. I’m several years in and won’t date until my ds is 16 -another 6 years. I’m a single mum and have worked hard to create a settled happy home for dc.

It can get a bit lonely sometimes but better than risk losing it all again.

Op I don't think you should wait till your kids are older. What about you and your needs. Yes while it's great how you show awareness around the impact that a new bad relationship would have on your kids it is also important that your kids see you happy and know this is possible. Also don't forget you are your kind do biggest role model

I have kids and have started dating. However, I'll never live with a man pr be dependent on one again so any relationship I have wont affect my children. I realise you'll have your children all the time so you have less chance to see someone but with babysitters it can be done. Just take your time and don't let them meet your kids until you're very sure.

Best of luck. The only advice I’d give you is to take things slowly when you meet someone. Very slowly. In the spaces between dates, you learn a lot about a person. If something doesn’t feel right, you can then end it before you’ve become too attached.

Thank you for the replies. I am a huge fan of mumsnet and I have gained advice from reading other threads.
I did not even know the meaning of red flags before but I have learned all about red flags and even red bunting here!