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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Leaving emotionally abuse partner support

18 replies

GMB2000 · 26/07/2019 14:51

I posted a week ago about my partners manipulating. Had my first personal counselling appointment yesterday and I’m trying to build up the courage to leave him tonight. I’ve written it down but I am already feeling weak. Can anyone give me some stories about when they left their abusive partners and any happy ever after endings. It’s been 7 years so I’m struggling. Please

OP posts:
choochoo1234 · 26/07/2019 15:42

I don't have any advice but I'm in a similar situation and wish I could find the courage. I'm so unhappy and feel trapped. I hope someone comes along to help you soon.

pallasathena · 26/07/2019 15:43

For me, it was looking at him after years of unhappiness and emotional abuse and thinking to myself
'What the hell did I ever see in you?"
Talk about a lightbulb moment...and I never looked back...because for the first time in my life I felt nothing for him. A great big fat nothing...except disgust and disdain.

pallasathena · 26/07/2019 15:47

Find your inner warrior OP.
Your fear is the fear of the unknown. It's easier to put up and shut up isn't it? But it will destroy you if you do.

Benes · 26/07/2019 15:53

I left my emotionally abusive ex-husband 7 years ago. We'd been together for 13 years and married for 6 of those.
It truly was the best thing I ever did. I'm now married to a wonderful man and we have a 4 year old.
I feel like I can finally be myself. The sense of relief when I made the decision to leave and told my ex is still one of the best feelings I've ever had.

I have a whole new life a d couldn't be happier. Life is too short to be in an unhappy relationship.

GMB2000 · 26/07/2019 16:10

Thanks all I’m really hoping I can find the strength, I’m so fed up!

OP posts:
choochoo1234 · 26/07/2019 16:29

Me too GMB, I'm heading home from work soon and facing yet another weekend of walking on egg shells and being unhappy and fed up Sad

GMB2000 · 26/07/2019 17:01

Best of luck #choochoo1234 I’ve just got back and feel so guilty. Why are they always in the best of moods. It’s like they know something bad is coming

OP posts:
choochoo1234 · 26/07/2019 17:04

Yeah can relate to that, makes it hard. I am so weak in terms of my relationship. I haven't got children so makes it easier but it's my house so I'm not the one to go, I wish it was the other way round in truth

GMB2000 · 26/07/2019 17:06

I’ve got a 2 year old. That makes it impossible but going to be strong!

OP posts:
choochoo1234 · 26/07/2019 17:13

I wish you luck. Thing is I know I'll feel like a new person once it's done. It's just making that first step .....

choochoo1234 · 26/07/2019 19:08

@GMB2000 feel free to PM me if you'd like to talk more

ColdAndSad · 26/07/2019 20:10

My husband left me a month ago, because I told his parents I could no longer cope with his drinking and his abuse. Apparently it's ok for him to be perpetually drunk, and abusive, because "everyone does that", but it was unforgiveable for me to ask for help and support. So off he went.

It's been painful but also liberating.

One thing I'm really glad I did was I bought a voice-activated recorder that looks like a flash drive, and used it to record some of the "discussions" we had, during which time he criticised and threatened me, and blamed me for everything. He doesn't know I did it, and I am not going to tell him: but when I start to feel sad or weak or wish that things could be different I listen to some of those recordingsjust a few minutesand realise what an utter shit he is, and how much better off I am without him.

I've had CBT in the past, which I found very helpful, so am using those techniques to ensure I don't dwell on this, and instead I am being positive and busy and it's helping.

I hope you find the safest, happiest way out for you. It's brilliant, it really is.

GMB2000 · 26/07/2019 21:04

Thank you. I like the idea of the recording. I’ve been sending messages to my friend describing what he’s done each time something happens and she’s under strict instructions that should I feel weak to send them to me as a reminder. Just need to get the courage to do it now. We ended up at his mums as soon as I got back from work so I had to play happy families, now he’s downstairs and I’m upstairs watching the tv avoiding him.

OP posts:
Sonny23 · 26/07/2019 21:16

Thanks it's not an easy thing to do, but you will find the strength.

I left my very abusive ex h. Looking back now I laugh at it. I was with him a long time and the abuse was that bad that the day after I left him I had a breakdown as he would always tell me what clothes to wear (including underwear!) and what I would be eating in the day, I didn't know how people decided this for themselves. All together I left 5 times and returned. On the 5th time he'd attempted to stab me on leaving in front of our young ds. I managed to get out but he turned up where I was and begged for one more chance, promising he would change. I believed him and went back, things were great for 3 months, then went back to probably worse than before. I then got pregnant. I was getting advice from numerous agencies and they were trying to help with finding me a safe place to go where he wouldn't find me so I could leave, but one day, I was very heavily pregnant, he walked into the lounge and farted Grin I opened a small window and he went mental at me saying it was freezing cold and only I could open a window because I was a fat mess etc he then started smashing up the house intront of ds and I just found strength in me, I got up and walked out with ds and nothing else.

He tried multiple times to get me back, it didn't happen. It was extremely hard, the abuse continued, it's been almost 3 years and he still attempts it now but I am a much stronger person now.

All I looked for when I was trying to build up the strength to leave were stories from other people who have got out, so I hope it brings you some hope that you can do this

GMB2000 · 26/07/2019 21:22

Thank you @Sonny23 I’m so sorry you experienced all that, it’s awful. I’m so happy you and your children and out and happy. I really hope it continues that way and he stays away. Thank you for sharing your story!

OP posts:
GMB2000 · 28/07/2019 21:55

Sooooooo I did it!!!!! Feeling good but also a bit wobbly. Obviously it was all my fault. My issues and apparently I should have spelt it out for him that I have been miserable for the last 6 years. But hey it’s done, just got to stay strong now!

OP posts:
Benes · 29/07/2019 07:49

That's great news! Keep strong.
He can blame you all he likes but ultimately you have the right to leave if he makes you unhappy.

Sonny23 · 29/07/2019 09:56

Well done!!! That's amazing!

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