Niece's abusive boyfriend

[DesertOrchid558]

I am worried about my niece, she is 22 and has been living with her bf for 12 months, in her flat. I have just discovered that when he is drunk (which seems to be often) he gets abusive and accuses her of imagined disloyalty. He has been violent towards her and her friends when they try to protect her, and has smashed things up on a regular basis.

When sober he is fine, sweet even, and dismisses his actions of the night before, but he has threatened extreme violence towards her when they are alone so much so she is terrified of what he might do. He blames his childhood for his actions.

Should I try to convince her to involve the Police? She says she is in the process of leaving him but says she still loves him. I am worried not only that things will escalate but also that she will lose confidence and go back to him. He always blames her incidentally for these outbursts saying she has 'pushed' him too far and is very manipulative saying it is her that is lying. I am so distressed and worried.

Has anyone good advice to offer on how I can help her? She is an amazing young woman with so much to offer and I want to see her with someone decent who respects her as she absolutely deserves it. I almost rang the Police myself but don't want to alienate her or put her in a difficult situation.

How can I convince her that there are nice, safe, men out there and that he is a waste of time who ultimately may never change?

All abusive assholes say the same thing.
They cannot accept responsibility for their disgusting behaviour.
It's his upbringing, It's her fault.
She's pushed him to do it.... blah blah blah.
It's all bullshit.
Would she contact Womens Aid and talk to them?
They can help to explain it all to her and she may take it better from a proper organisation.
Do you have any male relatives who could go round and get him out?
WA can also help her with an exit plan

He will never improve.
It will escalate.
She really does not want to be added as another statistic.
No joint counselling but she will need some.
Tell her to chat to Womens Aid and also enrol on their Freedom Programme.
She needs to avoid abusive men like this in future.
What was her upbringing like?

hellsbellsmelons
I agree with you. Her upbringing was pretty 'normal' with a loving mum but father who left when she was a baby and who has been completely unreliable and let her down over the years.