What's appropriate

[Serenajoy1]

Just interested in others views. What do you feel is appropriate in terms of husbands contact with women on social media. We had a bit of a disagreement a year or so ago about messages I saw on his phone from some woman, nothing inappropriate, just someone he sees through work, general chit chat type messages. But a lot of them. I felt it was a little innapropriate.

I've just seen more from a different woman, again someone he sees regularly, a specific shop he goes to. Again nothing inappropriate but her telling him she has moved branches, him saying I'll see you in 30 mins, her saying looking forward to it. Would that annoy you? I don't for one second think he's having an affair but why the messages? They are friends on fb. I don't know who added who. But I would never add someone from my local shop and message them. It feels like crossing the line. Is it?

For me it would be crossing a line.
What did he say when you challenged him about it last year?
It was a reversed situation, how would he feel about you messages other men in the same way?
It doesn't sound bad as such as the messages aren't inappropriate but it does seem odd and it would bother me.

It doesn't sound like anything fishy if it is just chit chat, sounds like they are friends and nothing more unless you have other suspicions?

I was cheated on and definitely know what is inappropriate with messaging etc. With the first woman, you say there were a lot of messages but just chit chat...did he stop messaging her at your request? If this other woman at the shop is messaging him all the time and he seems to be investing equally as much time messaging back, then you have the right to be concerned. It really does depend, though. Does she message in the evenings? Every day? - then IMO if she's new on the scene I'd be a bit concerned. Weekly catch up messages, just friendly and no flirty banter, then there should be nothing to be concerned about.

I have male friends who message me, some of them have partners'/wives who I'm also friends with. There is nothing in it at all as they really are just friends and nothing more. We all have a shared hobby and they are more like brothers to me. I'd be pissed off if one of their partners/wives got pissy about chit chat.

If you are absolutely sure it’s not an affair, what do you think it is? The options are casual acquaintances or friends. Why would having either of them overstep a line. What is that line ?

Hmm, he could talk to a close (and longterm) friend as much as he wants but I wouldn't be cool with him messaging an acquaintance or a work colleague unless it was for something work related. Like at all really. I mean fair enough if it was her bday and he commented 'happy bday' or she put up pictures and he 'liked' a couple or something but there really is no reason for him to be private messaging her.

Thanks for the replies. I think my problem is with his boundaries & the fact that he is rediculously over friendly with people. I know that's not a bad thing necessarily. But I guess I have an issue with him adding or being added by this girl on fb. She looks a lot younger too. It seems a bit pathetic to me, he is an older married dad. Why bother? There is literally just that one message from her, no previous ones. I notice he has liked a lot of her pics. She doesn't seem to have liked any of his.

The girl last year was sending the vast majority of the messages, he saw my point & I think he pulled back a bit but she seems to still message him. Just chit chat though.

Hes trying to prove to himself that hes still got it.

Personally i wouldn't feel comfortable with someone who's boundaries were this weak, and agree that its innapropriate.

Are married men not allowed to have any female friends? Or must all messages go through their wives first?

But would you really make a friend of a girl half your age whose only connection is you go in her shop to buy something?

He has female friends, not many but a few. I know them, they are lovely. No problems. It's just these randomers I feel uncomfortable with.

My ex partner had a close female (married) friend from work, they also shared a hobby. They messaged each other all the time - he was also incredibly "friendly" with everyone, so I thought nothing of it - just the way he was. Turns out they were having an affair for 4 years.

I'm not saying this is what is happening here, but if he's "flirting" with everyone (and that's what people pleasers or people who need/have to be liked are actually doing - even in a non-sexual way). Then I would say it's only a matter of time till he drifts into something.

I used to be really easy going - I'm not now. If you are in a serious relationship, you cannot take the way that circumstances can overtake you for granted, and you have to be vigilant re' your own boundaries out of respect to your partner, family and your relationship - that's if you want it to last.

Most people are obsessed with the other person's boundaries thinking that they themselves are in control of their own. All the while drifting over lines and thinking they can control everything. Being 'liked' by everyone is not more important than the partner and relationship - your partner needs to learn this.

Oh meant to have 'liked ' in italics not crossed out!

Is he "ridiculously over-friendly" with men?

Could be general chit chat playing it safe in written messages incase you read them

What they get up to when they meet do you know? Does he tell you hes meeting his female friends?

Is he "ridiculously over-friendly" with men?

Precisely the point and im guessing not @category12