Not appreciative enough

[Monkeyblu]

After a very rocky year which is still ongoing, we’re on holiday. I was really hoping this would help me see if DH could change & be less off with me for ages if he didn’t agree with something I said etc. I’ve previously wondered if he’s emotionally controlling & he totally wrecked last years holiday.

Anyway, first few days were great & I was feeling happy - like why can’t it always be like this - but then he got moody. Finally tells me he was hoping I’d be a bit more appreciative and grateful for him being so affectionate. But he got nothing back. Not sure what to think do hoping for some opinions as to whether this is another controlling tactic?? It just feels off.

he was hoping I’d be a bit more appreciative and grateful for him being so affectionate
What does he mean by this?
How was he expecting you to SHOW this?
He does sound controlling.
Without him telling you what he expects in return for his affection you are not a mind reader.
And he can't suddenly 'turn it on' and expect all the past crap to be forgotten.
When men are like this we just start to fall out of love with them.
It's all too little too late.
What do you want for your future?
Can you live with this person for the next 20+ years.
Is this what you want your life to be like forever more?

Isn't a husband supposed to be affectionate towards his wife?

When you are affectionate to someone you love, what are you expecting in return? Nothing? Yup, that's true for most people. I mean if someone is never affectionate back, then there's a problem, but to be wanting appreciation and gratitude for being normally affectionate???

He's preparing to wreck this year's holiday too. So the question is, how many more wrecked holidays do you want?

I think it's interesting that as soon as you were feeling really happy, he did a moody number on you.

I wonder if he didn't want to lose you so he's pulled his finger out a bit. But when he realised you were actually feeling happy, his resentment won out and he punished you. Consciously or unconsciously, he didn't believe you deserved to feel happy. This is an issue that needs to be addressed.

@hellsbellsmelons I asked him that & he said he thought I’d be more tactile in return but he knows I’m not overly tactile - particularly given how bad things have been. He could see how happy I was that everything was going great so far.

@NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1 I felt exactly that - it shouldn’t be a case of second guessing if I’ve been sufficiently reciprocal every time he rests a hand on me.

It feels almost like he’s showing he can be capable of being nice but I have to earn it or show I’m worth it if that makes sense??

But if you dont feel you should be affectionate to him, why should he be affectionate to you?

It's all good saying 'I am not tactile' but expecting some one to be tactile with you whilst saying you wont give it back, isnt very fair.

This is one of those situations where he could be a shit, but without knowing the whole background it's not that easy to say he is controlling.

If he feels he has tried to meet you in the middle but you have remained the same, I can see how he would get fed up of feeling like the only one trying.

But then, he could be trying to show he can do it, but only when you have earned it.

It all depends how it's expressed really, whether he's saying that he's putting more effort into the relationship, understands there have been issues and is trying to resolve them, and is disappointed that this doesn't seem to be having any effect, in which case there is a potential for the two of you to use that as a starting point to open up and explore what would help. Or whether he is saying, 'see I can be nice when I want to, but you are not sufficiently grateful for my efforts so I'm going back to punishing you' in which case I'd be considering whether this is really the relationship for me.

It sounds like he wants everything on his terms. I'm sorry but he doesn't sound very nice OP.

Thanks all. I don’t think he is a very nice person, at least not where I’m concerned. He is a totally different person with work or friends.

Wot @hellsbellsmelons said ^

When my ex said 'be more affectionate' he meant have sex without him having to put much effort in, --like the star in a poem movie

He is now my ex and I am much happier

It sounds like there is a resentment on both sides here.

We can all come on and say that it sounds like he's this or that but in reality we have very little to go off so pointing the finger at either of you is pointless.

You know that he's not treating you right and to me it sounds like he feels that you aren't treating him how he'd like to be treated (doesn't mean you're doing anything wrong of course).

We don't know why all of this has happened but you both likely need to take a few steps back and at some point after perhaps giving each other some space you need to have an honest discussion about what the issues are for each of you.

I would always advocate talking and if it's difficult perhaps speak with a professional together. Neither of you are happy but you are still a family and I assume that in an ideal world you'd both want that to work. If he's nice to others but not so to you then he is probably struggling with feelings he doesn't know how to communicate, it's very common for some men.