Gaslighting?

[Mango67]

Please can you help me with something. Last night when i was in the shower my husband suddenly tapped me on the shoulder and I had no idea he was there, it really scared me and I screamed. It triggered something for me (i was raped decades ago and I think it was this) and I freaked out and started crying. He got annoyed and was like ‘I was only being silly and you’re over reacting, OMG’. I told him that I knew he hadn’t meant to make me react like that but that he should apologise. He said he shouldn’t have to as he didn’t intend to scare me or upset me. I said but I am upset and you should just say sorry. He then went on about how I had ruined the evening and that I don’t appreciate him and all he does. The money he earnt to take us out for a meal and so on. He does earn a lot more than me but I do work and contribute. He was such an idiot. In the end I blocked my ears as he was ranting so much and I couldn’t listen. We slept in serpente rooms and now I’m wondering if he will apologise or should I back down? Am I in the wrong? I can’t work it out. I do know that he didn’t intend to scare me but I feel he needs to know that he did and to apologise. It seems like it’s turned in to a massive thing unnecessarily but it seems important to me. Please can you let me know your thought. I feel like I’m going mad.

Separate rooms. Sorry for mistakes

Did you tell him that it triggered a memory of you being raped? If yes then hes being a total idiot. If you did not tell him I can understand his reaction.
Lastly if he isn't actually sorry what is the point of insisting on an apology it's just empty words.

My h is the same. Too stubborn to apologise and its so wearing.
On the other hand in his eyes you did over react and maybe he was shocked or surprised as he meant to be playful.
Bringing up the financials is defensive and nasty though. Thats what would get me angry too.

Its not gaslighting as he really was just being playful and he isnt denying his part in it.

You're not overreacting. He should have said sorry. Even little kids can understand this idea: if you hurt someone BY ACCIDENT you should say sorry and check they're okay. Even if you didn't mean to hurt them. In your case, his first concern should have been that you were okay, not his own ego.

You shouldn't have to tell him about being raped for him to behave considerately.

Regardless of his original intention, he could see you were seriously distressed.
If he loved you, his reaction would be to comfort and support you, not rant in anger at a distressed woman (who has been triggered over a previous serious assault), for spoiling his evening.
“How very dare you irritate me with your trivial hysteria over being raped”.
That’s the message he’s giving you, isn’t it, OP?
Not a very caring one, is it? Does this shit love you at all? Is he worth staying with? Does he meet any of your needs to feel safe, loved and cherished, to validate your feelings?

I agree with the above. He didn't mean to scare you but he should have apologised when he realised he'd upset you. When DP & I react differently to how the other expected we try and find out why and what we've accidentally triggered so we don't do it again. My ex was like your DP though and it took me a long time to realise it wasn't a good reaction to have.

I hope you're okay

Thanks for your replies. He apologised as soon as he woke up this morning.

It sounds like there are deeper issues in relationship for it to escalate like this tbh

Even children apologise if they accidentally hurt or upset somebody. I accidentally trod on somebody’s toe this morning because I stepped back when they were walking behind. Wasn’t intentional but I still apologised because I’d hurt that person. Why does he think he doesn’t have to apologise? He sounds hard work to be honest

It's definitely not gaslighting.

What would make it gaslighting would be if you said to him 'hey, don't sneak up on me because it will give me flashbacks about a time I was attacked'. And he still did it - and then he denied that you ever told him about the attack...and then maybe also told you that you were over-reacting.

However, it was not nice of him to not apologise for scaring you.

That is not gaslighting.
That is someone who was being silly and had no idea that what we about to do with be so upsetting for you.
It probably shocked the hell out of him.
Does he know about your rape?
Have you had support from proper organisations to process all of it?

There was a thread very recently (can't remember what it was about) but a bloke posted on it saying that many men view apologising for things in a different light. If they didn't mean to do anything wrong or something was an accident, then becaue they didn't mean to upset anyone and they didn't do it on purpose they can't understand why they need to apologise. He said it's a bloke thing.

Thanks again for the feedback. He’s been genuinely apologetic but he can be a real arse sometimes. It’s something I need to think about. And also we’re both very stubborn so it makes these kind of situations hard to fathom.

I have had support about the rape thing and it hardly ever rears its ugly head but sometimes the unexpected sets it off and this morning he acknowledged that without me prompting it