What do you make of this?

[Mima445]

Sorry for the long post in advance, just giving a bit of a back story...

I lived with my mother until I was around 15/16 at which she decided she wanted to move away (I was in the middle of my gcse's and so I couldn't move). I went to stay with a family member which was far from an ideal situation.

This family member then said I couldn't stay and so I ended up in emergency accommodation at around 17.

I then moved to uni but soon dropped out and stayed with my mother. Give it a few weeks and she started saying that it wasn't working and that she needed the house back which eventually led to a minor argument and I came back from work that evening to find the locks had been changed, and all my stuff had been removed. She told me to find someone to live with and called the police.

A few years later I fell pregnant and ended up with an abusive partner. After telling my mother she told me to live with her, but around 2 weeks before giving birth she told me she'd decided to move away again and so I had to find a flat (which she knew was very difficult as I was a lone parent with very little money and minimum wage job).

Ive found myself really angry at my mother lately for messing me about so much and now that I have a child I just really can't understand it. I've recently come to stay at hers for a bit with my daughter and we had a very minor disagreement. She's been ignoring me for days since and woke me in the middle of the night to tell me that I need to go home (I now live the other side of the country).

I've never been perfect and by all means have my flaws as everyone does but I wouldn't say I've ever done something enough to warrent being made homeless and felt so unwelcome constantly. I've never been able to talk to her or open up about anything as she gets so defensive and will quite frankly just tell you to leave.

I'm not sure what I'm trying to get at really but I just wondered if anyone can help me make sense of her behaviour. It's such a horrible feeling to constantly feel pushed away but she dosent seem to think she's done anything wrong. Has anyone experienced anything like this?

Oh dear - not much of a Mum. Break the cycle and be a wonderful mum; then you will really have something to be proud of.

I am so sorry for you OP. Such an appalling way for a mother to behave, you get nothing from this relationship except hurt. I think you need to cut your losses and be the best mum you can to your little one, and leave your mother in the past.

I've distanced myself a lot so we very rarely talk/see each other but I'd find it so hard to cut off as it would mean losing my younger siblings!

It's painful to accept the truth, but I think you need to accept that your mum is an inadequate parent who has let you down badly throughout your life. It might be best if you cut ties with her altogether.

This will be hard at first but the less you see her the easier it will become.

Focus on your own DC and be the best mum you can be - a total contrast to your useless mother. Be proud of how different you are.

There are surely ways you can see your siblings without getting enmeshed with your DM?

Does your Mum have MH issues ? Not excusing the neglect but may offer an explanation for her poor behaviour?

You can choose your friends, but sadly not your family. Your mum sounds awful and I would be going NC if I were you, tho I understand that is difficult because she’s your mum, but she’s not treating you well at all, repeatedly. Sorry OP.

She really does sound awful. How old are your siblings? One day you'll be able to have an independent relationship with them, and I would either stop contact or go very, very, very low contact with your mum.

@whitedust there's nothing she's been diagnosed with as far as I know but I don't think her behaviour is rational at all.

The thing is as far as she's concerned she's never done anything wrong and it is my fault so she wouldn't think twice about getting diagnosed with anything unfortunately!

@hollowtalk sadly their still young so what she says goes and every time theres a slight disagreement she reels it of to them and turns them against you! I have been low contact for some time now but maybe it needs to be even more unfortunately!

I feel very sorry for you - unfortunately your mother sounds very unstable.

Does she drink a lot and/or had an abusive upbringing herself.
I think you should be as low contact with her as you possibly can.

@Maevedidit she dosent drink anything above the usual and never has although she did have an abusive upbringing! It also seems as though her mother was a fairly emotionally absent.

The strange thing is she seems to be very aware of what her parents have done but will fail to recognise that she's been completely irrational. I've never even got as much as an apology

I’m sorry you’re going through this. What neglect you have suffered from the very person who should have been loving and minding you.
You should be very proud of yourself for being so aware. You sound very empathetic and caring.
I would say very low contact and excellent boundaries. It’s easy for us to say. But it will protect you. No overnights. It’s so painful. Enjoy your relationship with your child and take joy from any positive relationships you have. I find that very healing 💕

I'm so sorry. There's not much advice I can give except not to let her get you down and never blame yourself for any of the shit she's put you through.

There may be some distance between you and your siblings for a while, but time soon passes. As they get older they will start to see the truth of your mum's behaviour and things will gradually change. You have the whole of your lives ahead of you.

How awful for you to have been treated like this by your mum! But not everyone who has children is cut out to be a mum and i dont think she is! I think now you are a mum yourself you find her behaviour even harder to understand.

I’d limit your contact with her and concentrate on giving your child a wonderfully supportive mum.

Well done on getting to uni without family support and stability thats a real achievement. You should be proud of yourself.

@Lozzerbmc thank you so much!