Can a leopard ever change its spots?

[StormBaby]

I've been with my DH 4 years. We are blissfully happy, never argue, he's never even raised his voice. He's the most honest, hardworking gentleman Ive ever met. Never had any issues with cheating, hiding stuff etc. He's the perfect hubby.

I've seen his ex posting online saying he cheated on her constantly, was violent towards her etc. It really makes me wonder who was the actual problem. Has he really changed that much? Then I start thinking about my ex before him: he was a moody grumpy, miserable bastard literally 24/7. He's now married to the woman he cheated on me with. They seem happy enough. Maybe he's not a moody, grumpy miserable bastard with her? I guess I just kind of find it fascinating. Can people change that much? Is it just a case of being with the wrong person / right person?

Ask him?

Why is she still banging on 4 years + later?

That would make me question the truth of her statements, and see them as attempts to disrupt his marriage. Especially if you've never seen the kind of man she's talking about.

XH will happily tell anyone who will listen that I'm batshit, that I used him, I was controlling, blah blah.

The truth is that he's a feckless, violent rapist who nearly fucking killed me.

But he's not going to tell anyone that is he?

He's always been honest with me about how terrible their relationship was and that he was horrible, as was she. The kids witnessed violence numerous times, from her according to them. They also knew she was cheating as they saw her naked with the family friend she ran off with, and heard her say she loved him. It's just interesting how shes telling everyone else a different story.
Relationships are weird! How can someone be so so different?
Is it not a bit odd that in our 4 years together he's been nothing but a diamond?
And then that leads me on to think that my own ex, who was a total misery guts, was probably miserable because of me!

It is probably her the one who was violent and cheating.

My ex tells everyone who listens I was batshit, abuse, etc.
Funny how I'm the one who has been in therapy with CPTSD while he is perfectly fine.

People who were really abused, tend not to volunteer that info to just anyone who will listen.

My ex has never owned up to anyone about how he treated me when it came to other women - he completely destroyed me. So when I got PND and couldn't deal with his obsessions with women anymore, I left with baby in tow. Of course I'm the psycho, nasty ex and he is the wounded innocent one. 🙄

I always believe there's 3 sides to every story: your side, their side, and the truth.

You can only speak as you find OP. If your dh is lovely with you and you're both happy, does it matter? Obviously I wouldn't be too keen to be involved with someone who could be violent to a woman but it sounds like it was his ex, especially if the children confirm that.
As for your ex, you don't see everything. I bet he can still be the same grumpy twat at times he was with you.

Unless you are seriously unpleasant/violent/vindictive my experience says yes. I changed a lot when I eventually met the 'right' bloke. Milder, kinder, nicer, happier, more content. Exes were gob-smacked. There's no doubt that some people bring out the best in you, and vice versa. Maybe you've found your soulmate. Hope so!

She had kids with him.
Do you have kids with him?
Do you have kids with ex?

Major life events are often the catalyst for abuse starting or worsening.

Of course they can, if they want to.

Why do you follow her on social media?

4 years is early days though in terms of trajectories of abuse.

Block her on facebook and stop thinking about their relationship.

Myfriend v happily married to a man whose first relationship was a mistake. He chose somebody right for him the second time.

I wouldn’t touch a man accused of violence against a woman with a bargepole.
They don’t generally come in to the relationship with their boxing gloves on and ‘abuser’ tattooed on their forehead. Sometimes it can take ten years for the mask to slip. But it usually does.

I'm not sure if you believe what she says about him being violent, nasty and cheating. It sounds like you don't believe it, in which case he hasn't changed and has always been decent....and she's lying.

Does he admit or deny cheating and being violent towards her?

I would add that I believe ppl treat you how you let them. I know someone who caught her H cheating 10 times before she left him. He carried on because she stayed with him and put up with it. Of course she was trying because of the kids, but it comes to a point that you need to say enough is enough...and it should be sooner than the 10th time.

I know someone who caught them cheating on her dozens of times.

He frequently used me as an excuse, e.g. I'm Just taking Furiosa to her badminton lesson. Once the affair hotted up (and whilst I was battting a shuttlecock back and forth) he would then roll up to our house, and tell me to get out and tell my mum she was a sad anchor in his joyful life.

She ALWAYS took him back. It's fucked up my relationships with men for the rest of my fertile life.

I won't go on. It's too depressing.

People do naturally grow and change and I also think some people are completely incompatible and bring the worst out in each other.

I think some people will change, others won’t. It’s not a blanket rule for all. I do know that cheaters rarely change.