To blame my current relationship problems on my upbringing?

[Lucille21]

I am seeing a psychotherapist after a few years of feeling like counselling is just scratching the surface.

I grew up in a household where there was a loose dependency on alcohol and consequently, many dramas and a little violence too.

I am wanting to find the confidence to leave my current relationship which has been making me unhappy for some time. Ive shared many posts on MN under different usernames and the consensus seems to be that I have married a lazy, selfish man with hidden agendas who refuses to communicate or work with me as part of a team.

I am terrified to leave though and feel as though I will have absolutely nothing if I do so.

As soon as we explored my past a little, there seems to be an assumption made that I struggle with relationships in general as a result of a marginally turbulent/ drama- fuelled upbringing. And that I seem to be stuck in a drama triangle.

I have been asked to look into other stories of alcoholic parents and to be honest, mine just seems mildly miserable in comparison. It also seems to have been assumed that my relationship with DH and our problems are the result of me not dealing with things better and also, because we have young children.

I wish I'd never mentioned my upbringing now. I've also had a previous counsellor warn me not to jump the gun by leaving DH, when she knows how miserable I've been. I know that without the responsibility of 2 young kids, DH would be a better partner, lover, team player etc. But if he can't be now, then I'm not sure I want to wait until the kids are a little older when he finally decides he actually wants to be a player in our relationship/family unit?

At what point do you draw the line and say, I've got my issues (haven't we all) but actually, the shit that happens isn't always down to me and my upbringing?

Draw the line now and don't keep blaming yourself

OP - it’s nearly impossible to tell for the strangers on the net.
It is possible that you just need to leave and you’ll be happier...
Or, it is equally possible, that you have deeper issues from your childhood that are affecting your relationship now, and will affect your future relationships too...
If the second is true - wouldn’t you want to get to the bottom of it?

Thing is about individual therapy is that it’s a lot of work. It’s difficult, it requires one look inside themselves and shine a light at things we often try to ignore.
In a way it’s easier to say - I am how I am - people should just accept me.
And it may work. Unless it doesn’t and issues keep coming back.

If you want to separate - do that.
But you can’t come to professional therapist with an agenda to help you separate. It doesn’t work like that.

The problem with blaming your problems on others is that you create a mindset that says you can't change it and therefore you do nothing to change it. It's up to you if that's less painful than taking responsibility and taking steps to improve things for yourself

I think understanding the “why” is useful context, but you still need to take conscious action to try and solve your issues as best you can to live your best life